I am not sleeping this week... much. I have this yucky bronchitis, infection stuff.. the stuff that just clings no matter what you do. Kinda like cheap perfume or cigarette smoke. My mom loves to tell me all the stuff I need to be doing, like drinking more water. She tells ME the importance of drinking water. So cute. I'm pretty scheduled with sleep but I go through nightmares and then I wake up and stew. Its part of my new disorder. LOL PTSD- Post traumatic stress. Yeah, I need another disorder. It is real as much as I joke about it. When your heartbreaks so severely you can only wish you have control over every thought and feeling.. pray for it, hope for it, especially being a control freak. After a ton of stress from a heartbreak you get a disorder. Seriously though.. if someone gets cancer we have sympathy cause they cant help it. If someone gets a mental problem we may sympathize, empathize (if you've been unfortunate enough to go through something similar) but we get fed up and tired of it if it doesn't go away in our time frame cause we think they have control of it. Its a choice. Is it? If you have went through a real life nightmare and still have the after affects in your heart, I sympathize. I empathize! Oh, then there are the people that have the mental problems but wont address em! They just let the shit pile up and that is almost more acceptable than the guy who's putting work into himself. Its amazing how many people will dump thousands into what they wear, drive, take; but wont spend even a minute on whats really going on inside. I'm not judging cause I was forced to take inventory and clean. Wish it didn't go that far to wake me up. Most the time that's what it takes cause we get so comfortable in our shit and who's really going to call us on it unless it gets seriously bad? I was hiding from pain. God forbid I stirred the pot more! No car, house or amount of shopping will fix it though.
If you've watched Hoarders on A&E, these people are suffering some serious PTS. They are forced into 'cleaning up'. Most of them have gone through something traumatic, so traumatic that they have their reason for insane hoarding.They cant let go of something.. obviously. I am grateful I can deal with the stress now and use it to work for me. I am not hoarding but I do lose sleep. ;) And I'm still working on the confidence, self esteem stuff daily.
I LOVE sleep. It is super important.. like water. And like the food I pick cause I want to age slower, feel my best; it is an element of what I need to not look/feel like hell that is free. You can spend your paycheck on whatever bullshit your dumb ass was conned into buying to look 10 years younger or lose weight but if you aren't sleeping enough, drinking enough (water;), eating balanced, you just wasted your money.. again. I can't deny I am a little vain about aging. We are bombarded with media that has perfect line free faces thanks to air brushing and surgery. I dig my imperfect teeth cause I think some of the most sexy smiles are people with interesting teeth. Yes, I said interesting teeth. Same with some aging though.. its interesting, sexy. I am concerned with how competing wears on the face and body. The heavy fluctuation of body fat can tear it up. Not sexy. I think that's why so many people think bbs are unattractive. Its not attractive to have a face that is just tissue and bone or body, especially when there are not 'pretty' muscle bellies and lines to make it flow. This is for men too but they don't catch the flack the woman do. Dorian Yates was totally sexy but his face was not.. 'pretty'. Sexy, interesting.. yes. The mullet days were very hot. ;)
I am really open about my lack of self esteem. I know.. if you know me, have met me you may think I'm joking but no, hardly. Since I have been sick I've caught up on my reality tv. WTF? I admitted that. Its a Brad Brad World? And then I shamefully watched it! Like Real Housewives, I love watching how fucked up these people are. You do too or else they wouldn't still be on.. and so many of the bitches. So.. then my self esteem goes through some loops cause I am so confused. I am great knowing I am not that mentally fucked, petty, and dramatic but damn I don't have the diamonds, clothes, cars, houses.. etc. LOL And then I go read my 'happy books', work out, and get a grip. LOL
I have been labeled for so long, stuff like negative, dominate, strong, tough, crazy, and bitch.. you get the idea. Not really ego boosting discriptives. I do have a strong personality. I use to love it but after it gets criticized for a while by people I've loved and trusted I started to wonder.. what IS wrong with me? Nothing really. Maybe my personality isn't for them really cause still, others are very drawn to me. I can say things that people may not know how to take. I can promise I do not do this to be mean spirited. There is a huge difference. Mean spirits suck and you can tell who they are. We all know them. If I don't like something, someone.. no, I may not sugarcoat it. I am more sassy, and as my dad called me.. ornery. I can even be really cocky but usally just to cover up some insecurity. I'm almost always aware that I'm doing it as it comes out! I don't think it's fair that I or any woman should be expected to be wishy washy, sugary, and just annoying to be 'likable'. THAT IS BULLSHIT ladies. Have a presonality, conviction, take a fucking stand, and be proud but not so proud you dont know humility.
When I start to feel bad about these labels I think about my character. I can say its pretty above average.. that I am confident about. At least with me there's no guess work and bullshit. I think cause there is SO much of it in the fitness industry I stand out. These are the same people that are bitching about being too easy on kids in school sports and wanting the competition but cry at even constructive criticism of themselves. If your friends aren't calling you on your shit they probably don't give a shit about it. Good friends, eh? I love woman like the Millionaire Matchmaker or Tabatha Takes Over. These are strong, dominate, successful woman that tell it like it is, keep it real, get results, BUT they also have a very beautiful human side to them that makes them very likable and people are drawn to them.
I can honestly say that if you want to go hang out and have fun, laugh, and be yourself.. lets go. I cant promise we wont end up in jail but you will have fun. If not maybe your just a pussy that doesn't know how to be yourself and I don't want to hang out with you anyway.
See what I mean? LOL Damn!
Lastly for the day.. talk about calling out bullshit.
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/training-day/201201/college-footballs-strongest-cheerleader
Its kinda tough to offend me but this does a little. I am over by now however. ;)
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Food
I stayed up last night.. sick still, and watched Super Size Me for the first time. Fucking gross! I don't eat fast food anymore.. now that I actually think before I do things. Since we are such instant gratification beings we don't think about what our actions will do in the future cause its not something that we can see happening. That will never happen to ME.. right? Its using the band aid again for a quick fix to satisfy now. We know fast food is bad but we don't actually SEE what its doing on the inside so fuck it. I'm going to be 35 this year and I really think about consequences to what I do NOW. This is one of the biggest ways I have changed. As much as I want to look good, I don't want to be in and out of doctor offices even more. This means minimum stress, whole foods, no binging, plenty of exercises, and laugh all the time!;)
I ask myself at least 90% of the time, how will this food serve my body? I do still believe in enjoying something here and there. I sure did over the holidays but also in moderation. I did not do anything in moderation before. I have spoke to a lot of other bodybuilders about this. That we all basically had eating disorders. I know I did. Because I was competing half of the year I would go crazy the other half while I still could have it. Plus, I was an emotional eater. I saw the glass as half empty so I always had a reason to eat. I got pissed before and Olympia and ran to McDonalds for a fix!(Another time of many I was drinking poison and hoping for it to kill my enemy. Only hurting myself.) Food is no different than a drug. Like the guy in Super Size Me pointed out, he wanted more the more he ate and once he got his fix he would feel better. Food being modified like that is not not meant for our bodies. I am sure his detox off the McD's diet was a bitch for a couple of weeks. One year after competing at Nationals I went on a 3 weeks Wendy's diet. I ate Wendy's everyday sometimes twice a day! It was nasty! The smell coming off my body said it all.
When I got interested in bodybuilding it was the 80s. It seemed like healthy food and diet was much more stressed than now. Now its supplements. There is no replacement for a good balanced diet. There is also the trick of having to do it on a budget. Eating whole foods is not quite as cost effective. How sad? I did it once so surely I can do it again.
Just by keeping my food intake lower helps my mood. Before food like other drugs would control me and now that I'm back in control life opens up a whole lot. That's not to say that I wont eat half a pizza again someday. ;) Just not each week.
This whole next year is going to be eating and training consistently so I can be ready to compete again in 13 if I decide. I am looking at schools right now cause I am going back AGAIN to finish my business degree. I am sooooo excited about that but I don't want to have to stay in Denver to do it. I am completely over the cold. I want to be a surfer chic on the water. Somethings have to wait for the greater good. :)
I ask myself at least 90% of the time, how will this food serve my body? I do still believe in enjoying something here and there. I sure did over the holidays but also in moderation. I did not do anything in moderation before. I have spoke to a lot of other bodybuilders about this. That we all basically had eating disorders. I know I did. Because I was competing half of the year I would go crazy the other half while I still could have it. Plus, I was an emotional eater. I saw the glass as half empty so I always had a reason to eat. I got pissed before and Olympia and ran to McDonalds for a fix!(Another time of many I was drinking poison and hoping for it to kill my enemy. Only hurting myself.) Food is no different than a drug. Like the guy in Super Size Me pointed out, he wanted more the more he ate and once he got his fix he would feel better. Food being modified like that is not not meant for our bodies. I am sure his detox off the McD's diet was a bitch for a couple of weeks. One year after competing at Nationals I went on a 3 weeks Wendy's diet. I ate Wendy's everyday sometimes twice a day! It was nasty! The smell coming off my body said it all.
When I got interested in bodybuilding it was the 80s. It seemed like healthy food and diet was much more stressed than now. Now its supplements. There is no replacement for a good balanced diet. There is also the trick of having to do it on a budget. Eating whole foods is not quite as cost effective. How sad? I did it once so surely I can do it again.
Just by keeping my food intake lower helps my mood. Before food like other drugs would control me and now that I'm back in control life opens up a whole lot. That's not to say that I wont eat half a pizza again someday. ;) Just not each week.
This whole next year is going to be eating and training consistently so I can be ready to compete again in 13 if I decide. I am looking at schools right now cause I am going back AGAIN to finish my business degree. I am sooooo excited about that but I don't want to have to stay in Denver to do it. I am completely over the cold. I want to be a surfer chic on the water. Somethings have to wait for the greater good. :)
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Writers block :(
Yeah, I'm kinda stuck! I'm sick with some infection shit so my head is in a complete fog. I've been doing a ton of reading and getting fabulous ideas but I get sidetracked. Once I get blabbin I'll get goin. I will let my book suggestions do some writing for me. Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend.. this book is a must read for everyone. Fantastic book! Its based on the word of God which gives it even more beautiful insight into doing the right thing. If you don't even think you have boundary problems this book will still have a great deal to contribute to your life! You maybe surprised at how much you are missing here by not being aware of your limits and how it effects your you and your relationships. Boundaries are touchy. There are a whole lot of fuzzy areas but these authors make it as clear cut as possible so the reader can do their best to draw their own boundaries. Cutting out the stress and chaos unmanaged boundaries can cause makes all the difference. Knowing this stuff is one thing.. putting it into action is another.
The first thing you probably think of is not being able to say 'no', which is accurate but there is so much at work here. I thought, how did they come up with so much information on saying no? There's a lot more to boundaries than you may think. For me personally I found out that I am a bit of an 'advoidant' with my boundaries. Avoidants don't like letting others in to love and help them. They also fail to respect the 'no' of others. They can take advantage of weak or almost nonexistent nos. This is something I am aware of these days. As I looked into this more I found an actual 'avoidant personality disorder'. Characteristics are shyness, insecurity, hard to get close to. I am very aware of this but I didn't know it is actually labeled as a disorder. Damn! I am pretty good about putting on a front that I am super outgoing and extroverted but I'm more the opposite. Enough psychoanalyzing me.. LOL Previously I was very wishy washy on my boundaries then I would get pissed and resentful that people wouldn't respect what I was 'trying' to convey. I wasn't clear and blamed it on others. We assume that people should just know what we are thinking, however I can definitely testify to it not working that way. One of my most immature ways of thinking was expecting everyone to think or act like me. lol Now I am much more conscious of making myself clear and not blaming others for my lack of communication and clarification. Boundaries are a part of your responsibility.
Falling to Pieces by Mary Forsberg Weiland, she was married to Stone Temple Pilots lead singer Scott Weiland. Her memoir is about addiction... how could it not be? LOL Its honest and nicely written. We think we know an awful lot when we are younger till we go through some real suffering and trials. The character and insight that is born is priceless. Its up to us if we let if impact us negatively or positively. After all the pain I have endured I know I am a little guarded. I would like to avoid it in the future but I refuse to live in fear of everything and everyone. I believe love conquers all! Hopeless romantic always. :)
Ladies.. one of the best easy reads ever! Keeping a Princess Heart.. In a Not So Fairytale World by Nicole Johnson is just amazing! Guys should even read it. Its a beautiful look at what a REAL princess is(no, not the spoiled, bratty, temper tantrum throwing version). We all have an inner REAL princess, unfortunately the real world takes a hold of us and it fades. It is our duty to remember that inner beauty. This author suggest.. my favorite, striving for balance between the real world and our fantasy 'everything is perfect' world. Awesome book!
We all have self talk going on in our heads all day. Tapes that play over and over. For years I played the same negative shit about myself. I knew I was sickened by arrogance and flaunted pride in others so I would put myself down and worse.. believe it. I was scared to speak too highly of myself so it was logical to buy the put downs. I justified it cause other people gave validity to it. Well they SAID I am this or that so it must be so. There is a difference between people giving you input cause they love you and people just being mean spirited to hurt you. Now I'm healthy enough to know the difference. I put myself around the 'right' people. Quality people with integrity and ethics. I highly advocate that if you want to feel better about you.. do something for someone. It can even be complimenting their jacket. After all.. you keep what you give away. Never be scared to give yourself away.
Ok.. back to sleep! Actually my battery is dying so I have to wrap it up. ;)
The first thing you probably think of is not being able to say 'no', which is accurate but there is so much at work here. I thought, how did they come up with so much information on saying no? There's a lot more to boundaries than you may think. For me personally I found out that I am a bit of an 'advoidant' with my boundaries. Avoidants don't like letting others in to love and help them. They also fail to respect the 'no' of others. They can take advantage of weak or almost nonexistent nos. This is something I am aware of these days. As I looked into this more I found an actual 'avoidant personality disorder'. Characteristics are shyness, insecurity, hard to get close to. I am very aware of this but I didn't know it is actually labeled as a disorder. Damn! I am pretty good about putting on a front that I am super outgoing and extroverted but I'm more the opposite. Enough psychoanalyzing me.. LOL Previously I was very wishy washy on my boundaries then I would get pissed and resentful that people wouldn't respect what I was 'trying' to convey. I wasn't clear and blamed it on others. We assume that people should just know what we are thinking, however I can definitely testify to it not working that way. One of my most immature ways of thinking was expecting everyone to think or act like me. lol Now I am much more conscious of making myself clear and not blaming others for my lack of communication and clarification. Boundaries are a part of your responsibility.
Falling to Pieces by Mary Forsberg Weiland, she was married to Stone Temple Pilots lead singer Scott Weiland. Her memoir is about addiction... how could it not be? LOL Its honest and nicely written. We think we know an awful lot when we are younger till we go through some real suffering and trials. The character and insight that is born is priceless. Its up to us if we let if impact us negatively or positively. After all the pain I have endured I know I am a little guarded. I would like to avoid it in the future but I refuse to live in fear of everything and everyone. I believe love conquers all! Hopeless romantic always. :)
Ladies.. one of the best easy reads ever! Keeping a Princess Heart.. In a Not So Fairytale World by Nicole Johnson is just amazing! Guys should even read it. Its a beautiful look at what a REAL princess is(no, not the spoiled, bratty, temper tantrum throwing version). We all have an inner REAL princess, unfortunately the real world takes a hold of us and it fades. It is our duty to remember that inner beauty. This author suggest.. my favorite, striving for balance between the real world and our fantasy 'everything is perfect' world. Awesome book!
We all have self talk going on in our heads all day. Tapes that play over and over. For years I played the same negative shit about myself. I knew I was sickened by arrogance and flaunted pride in others so I would put myself down and worse.. believe it. I was scared to speak too highly of myself so it was logical to buy the put downs. I justified it cause other people gave validity to it. Well they SAID I am this or that so it must be so. There is a difference between people giving you input cause they love you and people just being mean spirited to hurt you. Now I'm healthy enough to know the difference. I put myself around the 'right' people. Quality people with integrity and ethics. I highly advocate that if you want to feel better about you.. do something for someone. It can even be complimenting their jacket. After all.. you keep what you give away. Never be scared to give yourself away.
Ok.. back to sleep! Actually my battery is dying so I have to wrap it up. ;)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Happy New Year!
Goodbye 2011.. Thank God ;) I had a great morning in the gym despite the hip pain. I did back and hams so I surely re-inflamed it but I cant not train. I didn't do deads though... compromise. I love being in the gym again. Enjoying it! I am just at peace lifting. I am still self conscious but I overcome it everyday and I feel better for it. Yes, my insecurities even follow me to the gym.
I was given some inspirational cards that I carry in my purse that I thought I would share today. Good stuff to think about for starting a new year. Hope you like them too. I need the reminders when I feel myself getting stuck. Its so easy for me to forget the simplest things that make the biggest difference in my life if I act on em and change my state.
"The ways I give and receive love.. may not be loving at all."- Until today, you may not have realized that love is simple. You make love hard with your trappings, expectations, and demands.
Just for today, give consideration to your beliefs about love. Are you really being loved, loving, and lovable?
"There are times when the right road takes a wrong turn.. and its OK."- Until today, you may have realized that its not loving to remain in situations that aren't working for you, hoping they'll get better.
Just for today, realize that when you've done all you can do, there's simply no more you can do, and its not healthy or productive to try.
"I cannot hide what I think, what I feel, or who I am."- Until today, you may have made excuses for not being fully present in your loving relationships.
Just for today, be devoted to being fully present in all of your relationships. Share the truth about your thoughts and feelings. Share the truth about yourself!
"I accept that things are the way they need to be."- Until today, you may have held perfection as the standard that you needed to live up to or achieve.
Just for today, accept that you are perfect just the way you are. :)
Please everyone be safe tonight! I'm staying in and doing yoga. LOL Its funny cause I really am. Then a hot bath.
I was given some inspirational cards that I carry in my purse that I thought I would share today. Good stuff to think about for starting a new year. Hope you like them too. I need the reminders when I feel myself getting stuck. Its so easy for me to forget the simplest things that make the biggest difference in my life if I act on em and change my state.
"The ways I give and receive love.. may not be loving at all."- Until today, you may not have realized that love is simple. You make love hard with your trappings, expectations, and demands.
Just for today, give consideration to your beliefs about love. Are you really being loved, loving, and lovable?
"There are times when the right road takes a wrong turn.. and its OK."- Until today, you may have realized that its not loving to remain in situations that aren't working for you, hoping they'll get better.
Just for today, realize that when you've done all you can do, there's simply no more you can do, and its not healthy or productive to try.
"I cannot hide what I think, what I feel, or who I am."- Until today, you may have made excuses for not being fully present in your loving relationships.
Just for today, be devoted to being fully present in all of your relationships. Share the truth about your thoughts and feelings. Share the truth about yourself!
"I accept that things are the way they need to be."- Until today, you may have held perfection as the standard that you needed to live up to or achieve.
Just for today, accept that you are perfect just the way you are. :)
Please everyone be safe tonight! I'm staying in and doing yoga. LOL Its funny cause I really am. Then a hot bath.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday
Yeah.. that's the best topic I could come up with. lol I don't really have much for ya today.. My legs are super sore, my hips are killen and Im exhausted. I just wrote about not taking things personal in my last post but I'm guilty. Somethings just initially sting and hurt too much not to take personal. It does pass and you remember its not you so keep movin. I guess the shit that does stick and hurt the worst is when its something that effects your own self esteem cause its something you are already self conscious about. Yeah! That stuff sucks to sort out.
I haven't been sleeping much and that, like bad food makes me a bear! A bit of a combo. Holidays have just been tough for me period. I am sooooo ready for summer and heat but there are 2-3 more freezing ass months left. So yay, holidays are over but more snow. :( Watched the Adjustment Bureau in the middle of the night... weird stuff. I thought I was the only one that thought about crazy shit like that being possible. lol Gave me chills.
I did get a New Years resolution today. :) Be more concerned with being interested than interesting.(As I sit here and write a blog all about ME) I do have a tendency to be a little shy and I hate feeling like I'm digging into others business so this may be a challenge for me but I'm going to make the effort!
Off to the gym... Happy Training!
I haven't been sleeping much and that, like bad food makes me a bear! A bit of a combo. Holidays have just been tough for me period. I am sooooo ready for summer and heat but there are 2-3 more freezing ass months left. So yay, holidays are over but more snow. :( Watched the Adjustment Bureau in the middle of the night... weird stuff. I thought I was the only one that thought about crazy shit like that being possible. lol Gave me chills.
I did get a New Years resolution today. :) Be more concerned with being interested than interesting.(As I sit here and write a blog all about ME) I do have a tendency to be a little shy and I hate feeling like I'm digging into others business so this may be a challenge for me but I'm going to make the effort!
Off to the gym... Happy Training!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Mistakes
Today I am thinking about my mistakes. Heavy huh? ;) When you are in your meantime you ponder A LOT. When I was in my early 20s I still had no regrets. How things change. New Years is around the corner and its that time again for the resolutions. Yuck.. I know. I can resolve to stop making mistakes but how realistic is that? Not so much. Pretty vague so I do resolve daily to be more mindful of every action, thought, and word that comes out of my mouth. I have a group class on Mondays so I end up thinking a lot and analysing shit to death. I have made peace with many mistakes and things I cannot change for the most part but I think that we always carry the thoughts with us of just knowing that they were made and what if something was done differently. Good ol 'what ifs'.. and cousins.. coulda and shoulda. Guilt and shame. I swore off the two months ago but they creep in. One of my biggest coping skills is to stop and really think out what my possible actions could do and the consequences of. Still, there are many factors that can play into making a mistake, many out of our control. I still wonder if my emotions are completely in my control. Damn! So worry, stress, anxiety comes in and what can we really do about that mess? Ask if it is something in our control and if its not.. worry and stress is eating our energy and life force for nothin.
OMG.. all these emotions are exhausting. No wonder it gets easy to 'check out' and figure out ways to band aid the emotions and internal chaos. Yeah, this is when I say.. if only I knew then what I know now. This is learning from mistakes.. AND not repeating the insanity. People do what they think works. THINK works.. doesn't mean it does but if they are getting some sort of pay off from their behavior then it obviously must be working, right? What we think is working for us is usually a quick fix or instant gratification to only become a bigger problem later. Like the cookies I ate earlier cause I was feeling a little sad? Now I'm just sadder cause the same thing is weighing on my mind and I have a tummy ache on top of it. This scenario has been played out too often for me and probably you on some similar level. I do know now though that this bullshit does not serve me for any benefit other than more misery.
One of my biggest life mistakes was ever trying the chemical band aids for stuff normal people just deal with. I have been guilty of blaming bodybuilding of 'making' me behave in a negative way but I think that is actually unfair to say, although I do think there are some circumstances that can take blame.. its all debatable. There are people out there that do this sanely... I think. ;) Ironically, I would kill myself in the gym but other than that I would do anything to avoid pain. Once I got a taste of what pain killers, benzos, alcohol, could do to cover up a little(or not so little) problem it continued to be the tune I would play off and on for years. It became super helpful going through divorce cause I didn't want anyone to see how much pain I was in. It was a double edged sword. I was drowning in shame everywhere. Much of the shame cause of others actions that I couldn't do shit about but treat myself worse! Yeah, illogical and crazy! I was either sober and so miserable to be around due to sadness or fucked up and miserable to be around cause I was out of control. I thought that is was better to be fake happy cause I didn't want anyone to think that divorce was getting the best of me or hurting me THAT bad. We've all known someone that is going through something so heartbreaking that they have that far away look in their eye and you don't really know what to say or do around them. You probably even feel uncomfortable around them. No one wants to be around Debbie Downer. I thought the pressure was on for me just be 'fixed'. My friends were first tired of me being so depressed then of my crazy benders. I didn't want to even be around anyone unless I could be fake happy and fucked up. I ended isolating a lot and that is a huge no no. So yeah.. once I saw what an easy quick fix(for the moment) it was it made sense in my extreme way of thinking to use it to my advantage. My behaviors definitely had payoffs that seemed to work for me. Even my temper tantrums. Part of the challenge of bodybuilding is learning to manipulate everything to your advantage. So there I was with a doctorate in manipulation cause I was a bodybuilder AND an addict but I didn't use it for the greater good of anyone but me for the most part. A mixture of female, extremely passionate, wild, addictive personality, easily stressed and excitable, spoiled and entitled.. you got an explosive recipe. I regret how I have hurt others with my selfishness and ignorance. Bodybuilders in general are very extreme, selfish people. We don't tend to think in the grey.. its black or white. Moderation was never one of my strong suits. I practiced excess... in everything! I'm learning moderation at 34 years old. Sex is only thing I can think of that should have nothing to do with moderation. Can you imagine.. Yes, only have moderate amounts of sex. Too much is just.. unhealthy. WTF?
As much as I would love to change a few of my fuck ups I gotta wonder if that would be wise. Everything does happen for a reason. Let it play out long enough and you will find out why. May just be confusing or even painful in the meantime.
OMG.. all these emotions are exhausting. No wonder it gets easy to 'check out' and figure out ways to band aid the emotions and internal chaos. Yeah, this is when I say.. if only I knew then what I know now. This is learning from mistakes.. AND not repeating the insanity. People do what they think works. THINK works.. doesn't mean it does but if they are getting some sort of pay off from their behavior then it obviously must be working, right? What we think is working for us is usually a quick fix or instant gratification to only become a bigger problem later. Like the cookies I ate earlier cause I was feeling a little sad? Now I'm just sadder cause the same thing is weighing on my mind and I have a tummy ache on top of it. This scenario has been played out too often for me and probably you on some similar level. I do know now though that this bullshit does not serve me for any benefit other than more misery.
One of my biggest life mistakes was ever trying the chemical band aids for stuff normal people just deal with. I have been guilty of blaming bodybuilding of 'making' me behave in a negative way but I think that is actually unfair to say, although I do think there are some circumstances that can take blame.. its all debatable. There are people out there that do this sanely... I think. ;) Ironically, I would kill myself in the gym but other than that I would do anything to avoid pain. Once I got a taste of what pain killers, benzos, alcohol, could do to cover up a little(or not so little) problem it continued to be the tune I would play off and on for years. It became super helpful going through divorce cause I didn't want anyone to see how much pain I was in. It was a double edged sword. I was drowning in shame everywhere. Much of the shame cause of others actions that I couldn't do shit about but treat myself worse! Yeah, illogical and crazy! I was either sober and so miserable to be around due to sadness or fucked up and miserable to be around cause I was out of control. I thought that is was better to be fake happy cause I didn't want anyone to think that divorce was getting the best of me or hurting me THAT bad. We've all known someone that is going through something so heartbreaking that they have that far away look in their eye and you don't really know what to say or do around them. You probably even feel uncomfortable around them. No one wants to be around Debbie Downer. I thought the pressure was on for me just be 'fixed'. My friends were first tired of me being so depressed then of my crazy benders. I didn't want to even be around anyone unless I could be fake happy and fucked up. I ended isolating a lot and that is a huge no no. So yeah.. once I saw what an easy quick fix(for the moment) it was it made sense in my extreme way of thinking to use it to my advantage. My behaviors definitely had payoffs that seemed to work for me. Even my temper tantrums. Part of the challenge of bodybuilding is learning to manipulate everything to your advantage. So there I was with a doctorate in manipulation cause I was a bodybuilder AND an addict but I didn't use it for the greater good of anyone but me for the most part. A mixture of female, extremely passionate, wild, addictive personality, easily stressed and excitable, spoiled and entitled.. you got an explosive recipe. I regret how I have hurt others with my selfishness and ignorance. Bodybuilders in general are very extreme, selfish people. We don't tend to think in the grey.. its black or white. Moderation was never one of my strong suits. I practiced excess... in everything! I'm learning moderation at 34 years old. Sex is only thing I can think of that should have nothing to do with moderation. Can you imagine.. Yes, only have moderate amounts of sex. Too much is just.. unhealthy. WTF?
As much as I would love to change a few of my fuck ups I gotta wonder if that would be wise. Everything does happen for a reason. Let it play out long enough and you will find out why. May just be confusing or even painful in the meantime.
Monday, December 26, 2011
The morning after..
Holiday feasting... OMG! I am not use to eating insane amounts and the sugar! So bad! I cant handle food like I use to AT ALL. Too much food is just a really, really bad thing. It has a very negative impact on my mood. I can look back know and see all the things that really changed my personality and food is definitely one of them. For me I don't feel like doing anything, I get crabby and short tempered. Then the insane tummy aches, bloating/gas, bigger/rounder belly. YUCK. Of course too little wasn't a good situation either. ;)
Nothing taste as good as being fit feels. LOL.. seriously though. ;) Needless to say I had spinach salad for dinner tonight.
Christmas was very nice and sober.. I remember it. ;) I hung with friends Saturday night.. over ate, woke up and over ate way more Sunday. As I'm watching Jaime Lee selling Activia for the holiday tummy ache.. super, Ill get right on that. Food has always been another way of coping for me.. eating and shopping. Balance is a beautiful thing. I have gotten pretty skilled in being aware and knowing my boundaries. There is NO band aid big or bad enough to fix the real problem. And ripping it off hurts like a mother fucker.
I was in the gym to do back and hams on Saturday morning and tweaked my hips enough to put me in icky pain. I have felt so good for months that I took the nooooo aches and pain for granted thinking I was invincible again or something. I couldn't even hang on the stepmill today cause my hips are so jacked. I have serious scar tissue in my hips and low back. When it gets aggravated it gets very frustrating. I did manage to train chest earlier so not a total loss today.
The pain didn't stop me from being a little cocky while I was watching people lifting today. It takes me half the time to make the same progress of other people. hehehe...
Thank you for the feedback! Very cool and I appreciate it. Keep it comin..
Nothing taste as good as being fit feels. LOL.. seriously though. ;) Needless to say I had spinach salad for dinner tonight.
Christmas was very nice and sober.. I remember it. ;) I hung with friends Saturday night.. over ate, woke up and over ate way more Sunday. As I'm watching Jaime Lee selling Activia for the holiday tummy ache.. super, Ill get right on that. Food has always been another way of coping for me.. eating and shopping. Balance is a beautiful thing. I have gotten pretty skilled in being aware and knowing my boundaries. There is NO band aid big or bad enough to fix the real problem. And ripping it off hurts like a mother fucker.
I was in the gym to do back and hams on Saturday morning and tweaked my hips enough to put me in icky pain. I have felt so good for months that I took the nooooo aches and pain for granted thinking I was invincible again or something. I couldn't even hang on the stepmill today cause my hips are so jacked. I have serious scar tissue in my hips and low back. When it gets aggravated it gets very frustrating. I did manage to train chest earlier so not a total loss today.
The pain didn't stop me from being a little cocky while I was watching people lifting today. It takes me half the time to make the same progress of other people. hehehe...
Thank you for the feedback! Very cool and I appreciate it. Keep it comin..
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