Can't sleep.. blog...

I am not sleeping this week... much. I have this yucky bronchitis, infection stuff.. the stuff that just clings no matter what you do. Kinda like cheap perfume or cigarette smoke. My mom loves to tell me all the stuff I need to be doing, like drinking more water. She tells ME the importance of drinking water. So cute. I'm pretty scheduled with sleep but I go through nightmares and then I wake up and stew. Its part of my new disorder. LOL PTSD- Post traumatic stress. Yeah, I need another disorder. It is real as much as I joke about it. When your heartbreaks so severely you can only wish you have control over every thought and feeling.. pray for it, hope for it, especially being a control freak. After a ton of stress from a heartbreak you get a disorder. Seriously though.. if someone gets cancer we have sympathy cause they cant help it. If someone gets a mental problem we may sympathize, empathize (if you've been unfortunate enough to go through something similar) but we get fed up and tired of it if it doesn't go away in our time frame cause we think they have control of it. Its a choice. Is it? If you have went through a real life nightmare and still have the after affects in your heart, I sympathize. I empathize! Oh, then there are the people that have the mental problems but wont address em! They just let the shit pile up and that is almost more acceptable than the guy who's putting work into himself. Its amazing how many people will dump thousands into what they wear, drive, take; but wont spend even a minute on whats really going on inside. I'm not judging cause I was forced to take inventory and clean. Wish it didn't go that far to wake me up. Most the time that's what it takes cause we get so comfortable in our shit and who's really going to call us on it unless it gets seriously bad? I was hiding from pain. God forbid I stirred the pot more! No car, house or amount of shopping will fix it though.
If you've watched Hoarders on A&E, these people are suffering some serious PTS. They are forced into 'cleaning up'. Most of them have gone through something traumatic, so traumatic that they have their reason for insane hoarding.They cant let go of something.. obviously. I am grateful I can deal with the stress now and use it to work for me. I am not hoarding but I do lose sleep. ;) And I'm still working on the confidence, self esteem stuff daily.

I LOVE sleep. It is super important.. like water. And like the food I pick cause I want to age slower, feel my best; it is an element of what I need to not look/feel like hell that is free. You can spend your paycheck on whatever bullshit your dumb ass was conned into buying to look 10 years younger or lose weight but if you aren't sleeping enough, drinking enough (water;), eating balanced, you just wasted your money.. again. I can't deny I am a little vain about aging. We are bombarded with media that has perfect line free faces thanks to air brushing and surgery. I dig my imperfect teeth cause I think some of the most sexy smiles are people with interesting teeth. Yes, I said interesting teeth. Same with some aging though.. its interesting, sexy. I am concerned with how competing wears on the face and body. The heavy fluctuation of body fat can tear it up. Not sexy. I think that's why so many people think bbs are unattractive. Its not attractive to have a face that is just tissue and bone or body, especially when there are not 'pretty' muscle bellies and lines to make it flow. This is for men too but they don't catch the flack the woman do. Dorian Yates was totally sexy but his face was not.. 'pretty'. Sexy, interesting.. yes. The mullet days were very hot. ;)

I am really open about my lack of self esteem. I know.. if you know me, have met me you may think I'm joking but no, hardly. Since I have been sick I've caught up on my reality tv. WTF? I admitted that. Its a Brad Brad World? And then I shamefully watched it! Like Real Housewives, I love watching how fucked up these people are. You do too or else they wouldn't still be on.. and so many of the bitches. So.. then my self esteem goes through some loops cause I am so confused. I am great knowing I am not that mentally fucked, petty, and dramatic but damn I don't have the diamonds, clothes, cars, houses.. etc. LOL And then I go read my 'happy books', work out, and get a grip. LOL
I have been labeled for so long, stuff like negative, dominate, strong, tough, crazy, and bitch.. you get the idea. Not really ego boosting discriptives. I do have a strong personality. I use to love it but after it gets criticized for a while by people I've loved and trusted I started to wonder.. what IS wrong with me? Nothing really. Maybe my personality isn't for them really cause still, others are very drawn to me. I can say things that people may not know how to take. I can promise I do not do this to be mean spirited. There is a huge difference. Mean spirits suck and you can tell who they are. We all know them. If I don't like something, someone.. no, I may not sugarcoat it. I am more sassy, and as my dad called me.. ornery. I can even be really cocky but usally just to cover up some insecurity. I'm almost always aware that I'm doing it as it comes out! I don't think it's fair that I or any woman should be expected to be wishy washy, sugary, and just annoying to be 'likable'. THAT IS BULLSHIT ladies. Have a presonality, conviction, take a fucking stand, and be proud but not so proud you dont know humility.
When I start to feel bad about these labels I think about my character. I can say its pretty above average.. that I am confident about. At least with me there's no guess work and bullshit. I think cause there is SO much of it in the fitness industry I stand out. These are the same people that are bitching about being too easy on kids in school sports and wanting the competition but cry at even constructive criticism of themselves. If your friends aren't calling you on your shit they probably don't give a shit about it. Good friends, eh? I love woman like the Millionaire Matchmaker or Tabatha Takes Over. These are strong, dominate, successful woman that tell it like it is, keep it real, get results, BUT they also have a very beautiful human side to them that makes them very likable and people are drawn to them.
I can honestly say that if you want to go hang out and have fun, laugh, and be yourself.. lets go. I cant promise we wont end up in jail but you will have fun. If not maybe your just a pussy that doesn't know how to be yourself and I don't want to hang out with you anyway.
See what I mean? LOL Damn!

Lastly for the day.. talk about calling out bullshit.
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/training-day/201201/college-footballs-strongest-cheerleader
Its kinda tough to offend me but this does a little. I am over by now however. ;)