Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The end of my "meantime"?

I may have possibly come to the end of my meantime. My meantime was a couple of years of serious soul searching and self realization. When I got married in 07 I didn't have any idea what a meantime could possibly be. I just thought we had it all figured out since we had been together for so long already.
I fell in love with this bodybuilder I met at a show, literally over night. I had only been out of my last relationship for a couple months. I was partyin, livin it up, and having fun. I did nothing to work on me.. hardly. I just knew that I wanted THIS man and I was game. Right after our wedding things moved fast for our success between buying the gym, his career, my pro bodybuilding.. little shit fell by the wayside. Our divorce happened as quickly as everything else. Its not an ideal situation when you are still in love with the person you are divorcing.. and shit is getting ugly.

So here I am still in love with the same man. No matter what I said or did to cover it ever worked to remove him from my heart. I took the time to figure out how to be alone and happy all by myself, date and meet new people, look around outside the industry at other ways of living. I got out of my way, slowed the fuck down and got rid of the materialism, entitlement, and bad drug habits. Ive really found out who I am and what I want, which gets clearer all the time, but most of all.. I got insight into what I was doing to break down my marriage and truly know what it is to forgive and love UNconditionally. There should be a poster with my picture and the caption "Learn from your mistakes.. or else". I have reached enlightenment in dozens of ways. We get so caught up in what has been done TO US that we forget about what we have done to perpetrate on others. I have been left to wonder occasionally if Dylan and I were ever as bad as we made the other one out to be, and I don't care. I know for a fact that it takes a rare man to be with me. A very secure man with patience. The kind of man that would fall in love with me is going to be someone with strong character that others don't really have the option of fucking with. I know for a fact that we both were wrong to the one person that meant everything and we both let our egos get in the way time and time again. Keeping your ego out of it doesn't mean letting someone walk on you. You have to be wise enough to know the difference between someone that really loves you equally and someone that is going to walk on you cause you are a pussy. If your ego is involved you will self destruct what you truly desire... unless you are a total tool and then you desire nothing other than being an egotistical asshole.

Nothing has ever added up to what I had with, or felt for Dylan. I have been fighting this for 2 years and I have been miserable. Luckily though I got this time to learn a whole lot about what is important and what just is not. More than you can imagine qualifies as unimportant when it comes to being in a successful relationship. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? I am not addressing this subject to search out approval or justify my actions, but to possibly help anyone else out there struggling with anger, confusion, or general negativity. People are constantly letting what others think effect their life. If you keep doing that you lose your place that holds what YOU want then you resent all the people that you, yourself enabled to persuade you one way or the other that you didnt want. Years ago.. I truly practiced 'think for yourself'. I got lost in all the bodybuilding and dying to please everyone and myself at the same time. Just another way to self destruct and end up angry. Please yourself first and the rest will fall in place. NOW I finally do not give a shit one way or another how you think or feel about me. Your negativity says more about you than it does me. Half of the consensus will have you believing that you should not become one in a marriage.. but I absolutely disagree. If you want to be an individual then don't get married. Now you can still be your own person but you do have to create one life, respecting the others needs and wants. People will have you believing anything out of their own selfish motives but you cant conform or even listen to what the popular vote says cause it may not be what works for you. Just cause 10 out of 12 people think it to be right doesn't mean its right. It has only the meaning YOU give it. I remember reading a post after we got married where most people were being positive and congratulating us but there were a few being negative. Of course I got offended an the negative stood out. One in-particular said that we wouldn't make it cause we were 'high profile' and that puts stress on the marriage. And so we have learned. Believe me, we are aware just how many people would like to keep us apart. People have pulled on us plenty over the years. We are all too aware of the 'haters' and deal with them right in front of us everyday (yes, we know who you are.. cause you are too obvious;). Dylan and I are very strong, powerful individuals but when we are put together.. we are ridiculously strong. He is my rock that does make me stronger. Kinda like eating power pellets. ;) There is an energy, a chemistry between us that has been there since day one. Now more than ever and we are only getting started. People are fickle and the those weak ones will always eventually bend.. just be patient. The leaders make the ground rules that set the bar for all the followers to follow. I am not a follower. My followers may as well fall in line and look in the mirror before wasting their energy on depicting my life. Either way.. I will not lose sleep.. not anymore, I got all I need.

Yes, we have been officially dating each other for a while. I know that he knew that we would end up together and I may have tried to deny and tell myself that never again.. but I knew better. We are both finally at peace.. completely. I had peace without him but still an awful pit or hole of nothingness was where he should be. We use to always say if the other one was away it was like we were missing a limb. The last two years was more than just a limb, it was my heart. I don't have the need to get my confidence or sense of identity from him any longer. I don't need his approval for myself to be happy, but because I respect and admire him I do appreciate it and definitely want his input, but may not agree with it. If you are fortunate enough to meet someone that you click with in every way, that is your BEST friend, that you can do anything stupid around and laugh at yourself, that gives you butterflies and hot tinglies, and love from head to toe.. don't let go for anything. They are one of a kind and you should be thankful everyday that you did meet.

You may ask, how can you be over your meantime just cause Dylan is in your life? 2.5 years ago, I wouldn't have been caught dead eating publicly by myself. I was so dependent.. and ultimately insecure. I don't even know that girl anymore. Like I started this.. I have spent this time fixing what was broken about me that was destructive to my husband and others. I have been enlightened and educated in ways I never knew before facing adversity. I became whole as an individual, but the last part missing was my soul mate. He wasn't 'out there'.. he was right here, waiting.

I will still blog but it will be a little different.. and no, no more meantime. I am in the next phase/stage and moving on. I will still write about love and life experiences. Thank you for supporting me and your UNconditional love. I only wish I could give you the peace, faith, and love that I have found on my journey but you must walk your own path. Don't let one day of it defeat you. Nothing bad last. Thank God for giving you the opportunity to grow. I promise.. it does work out just like it should. I regret nothing.. there are NO accidents
What is up for 2013? You will just have to watch. ;)

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Happy Sunday

I am just chillen on a Sunday afternoon. My life has been a little uneventful. I still need to get in and hit hamstrings but Im so sore Im procrastinating it. Searching for a sublease on Craigs.. sucks! I only need something for 2-3 months. Really hard to find. I am so excited to get out of Denver. Denver is one seriously dull city with average at best eating. This is so over due! Like years! Finally, my life is moving forward. Its still bittersweet. I miss so much about my past but I cannot live there. Phoenix is going to be fun for my "meantime". Its a good location to kinda search myself and where I want to go and be from there. Close to some cities I love and beautiful. I'm madly in love with San Diego. Who knows I may fall in love. Baby steps, one day at a time.

I love boxing. Since I took it up this winter I got a whole new appreciation for it. Its insane athleticism. So we got the Paquiao Bradley fight last night. Cause I always watch the HBO 24/7s I get really into the road there. Its a lot like watching a bb video that documents what a bb goes through. I am a huge Paquiao fan but I was rooting a bit for underdog Bradley, and he fought well but I cannot believe though just how corrupt that judgement call was. Holy shit! I have seen some horrible judgement calls in bb over the years but damn.. this was unreal. So wrong.. what were they thinking? Dumb fucks. Just an example how stupid people with too much money can behave.
I haven't boxed for a couple of months since I moved south and it bums me out. I REALLY love it. Not something I ever not want to do. Kinda like lifting. My lifting has been inconsistent over the months cause I just don't have a lot of stability to my life. Everything has to be in place to be a successful pro bb/athlete. I'm getting there. ;) I sure am happier lifting consistently though. I am grateful for the gym! Ive been trying to do anything to burn calories too cause my appetite is crazy bad. I walk as much as possible, lift longer, and eat less sugar.. and ice cream. But oh man do I eat!

Today I am celebrating gratitude. I have had a frustrating time for a long time, but the last 2 months have been a major test. I am so positive and happy when I remember to be grateful. I write it all down and it makes it real. Its very easy to be sincerely grateful when you have gone through some ugly shit. I just remind myself about what is really important to me. You can try it and I promise you will feel a shift in your attitude. Get a pen and pad out!
I am grateful for my honesty. Funny as that sounds. So many cannot be honest.. with themselves or others. I am so happy I can be cause it actually makes me happy to live in truth. It also allows me to be ME.

Guys.. be CLEAN! I will never get involved with a slob. If you cant be clean you are fucking gross. Period.

I am also writing for Muscle Sport Magazine now. My first one is out.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

What now Heather? ;)

Bars are a funny thing.. they are filled with people that are looking for something but who knows what cause they sure as hell don't. They are all hiding behind something. The liquor, drugs, over priced clothes and cologne, the over priced car in valet that they bought to impress everyone cause they are so fucking insecure about themselves. Don't get me wrong.. I love nice things but if you are just a shell with nice things you are nothing but an overrated, over priced douche bag. Not everyone but close. I love the lyrics..
So there's problems in your life
That's fucked up
And I'm not blind
You're just see-through faded
And out of your mind
I am the queen of hiding behind something.. my choice was drugs. I love drugs. That's my way to escape myself and any pain that may be surfacing or lingering. Shopping for shit I don't need is the other. Oh and we cant forget my food binges. Having to look at myself is horribly painful. Now that Ive had a good year of really looking at ME and every flaw exposed like a raw nerve I can unfortunately, see everyone elses bullshit all too clearly. I have nothing to lose by mentioning what I think.. so I do. Like Ive said.. I pick and choose my battles but sometimes when I am pushed to say something, I just gotta. Human beings by nature aren't very compassionate and very fucking selfish. I know that to stay away from the hard drugs that I love so much I MUST be very aware and conscious of my surroundings and the company I keep. People that aren't addicts (or should I say THINK they aren't addicts.. cause I know a fuck load in denial) don't comprehend that and don't really give a shit what is good or right for you cause they are too worried about what makes them happy.. but they sure as fuck care when you fall off and go get fucked up on a bender. They are the first people to be pissed off pointing their fingers about how bad you fucked up. Selfish fucks.. want it all their way don't they? ;) True love, unconditional love.. is selfless.. they the best of human ability. Hey, even I am guilty of wanting others to do or think my way. I think everyone should think like me. Or at least not be so unbelievably stupid. Now I know when to put my foot down and draw that line. Push me, I dare you. I am strong enough to say that and mean it. Don't take my tough talk for being a hard ass cause quite honestly I have humongous heart and have a whole lot of compassion and empathy. Even if I do say so myself. ;) I get hurt just as easy as a talk shit.. I'm just not afraid to talk that shit and then back it up. But, because of what I have been through, I'm not only 100% more compassionate and empathetic but also a way bigger, stronger tough ass. And you thought I was tough before. Shit.. silly you.

I had a nice lil vacation weekend but today was not so good.. I wanted to get loaded today so bad. True story. I was sad, lonely, angry as hell, and everything was looking pretty grim. I have never lived with anyone that I wasn't bangin till these past months. Yes, I said that. Its just not for me. I think if people are going to live together they have to have some or all the same pathways going on. Me and my roomie who is my oldest friend are def not going the same way. It can be stressful for me. I swallow it like a lump of shit cause it is my option for now.
I HATE having a good few days, week, whatever and then a shit storm. I saw this cute little saying on FB.. "may your life someday be as great as you make it sound on FB". I love that! If it really is as great as all of your post.. you are my idol.. liar! So I was throwing a bit of a pity party. I checked myself and did what I knew would make me feel better and make the urge pass. I danced, I cried, sang horribly (that alone would make you cry too), and cleaned. I swear if it wasn't for music and books I don't know how I couldve lived through many days. I have music on 24/7. From classic rock to club to country to rap. Like right now Im listening to Bryan Adams, Drake, Black Eyed Peas and Shinedown. Food, books, flowers, and music.. a few quick ways to my heart. Still wish I would've learned to be a DJ years ago. I would've been a killer club DJ. OoooI gotta recommend this cute lil boy group song called 'glad you came' by The Wanted. Its so fun!

The biggest realization I had today, and the most painful, is something Ive always kinda known but it really settled in today. I really don't have but a couple of people in my life to talk to. (This is where I must say please don't contact me saying, I can call you anytime to talk. The only people I talk to are people that have been in my life for some time to know what is going on. Briefing you would take weeks.) I also don't hold nearly as much in and I know when its not worth saying anymore. I stick up for myself.. always. Stifling who you are is only a recipe for disaster. Please be you no matter what. God gave you a voice.. use it! I have such a gigantic appreciation for all sorts of people from every walk of life. I may not like all of them but I give em love for being who they are. Its you phony fucks I cant stand! I know I'm a bad ass bitch cause I have balls.. and I am real as fuck! And I'm pretty funny and cute.
Don't be a pussy and let anyone bullshit you. Think for yourself! Someday it will be too late.. and you will be drawing your last breath with only a wish that you couldve known and taken action sooner. And, the worst part.. you will look around and none of those assholes telling you what to do and offering their stupid ass advice will be in sight. Look around now and ask yourself who will be. OR if you lost everything today.. who will be there tomorrow? I promise a few of them, if not a lot have got your dumb ass fooled. Humble yourself and you will find a level of peace that you never knew. I am still learning but letting go of some of that foolish pride is freeing like nothing else. There is a difference between being a bad ass and playing tough cause of your pride and being a bad ass cause you have had to eat humble pie and lived to know that you aint all that.

So I got my tattoo done. I had a friend in town to hold my hand cause it hurt like hell!!! I do a lot by myself but this was one thing I needed some support on. Ooooo my gosh!!!! I love needles and self mutilation but this made me rethink that love. The pain was pretty extreme on many levels. I laid back and put on my headphones listening to the song 'somebody I use to know'. Ive had great feedback on it but its a lot to get use to. I got a carp.. otherwise a Koi. I never in a million years would've thought I would put a Japanese fish on me but it has excellent meaning which I am very happy about. I still kinda regret not getting my other option but I might offend the wrong people if I have the word fuck on my ankle. As if I really care. ;)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Single in the meantime.. I gotta rant

5 years ago and 1 day, I married my best friend, soul mate, love of my life. Little did I know the man I wanted to be with FOREVER, and trusted with my life, would change so terribly. He is proof of how my beloved industry can fuck with your head and change you in bad, ugly ways. I was betrayed in so many ways, on so many levels by the one person I trusted with EVERYTHING. A year and a half after splitting and 3 failed reconciliations later(on his part) he becomes engaged to the client that he betrayed me with and still has everything we built together. I am single, living at a friends, and my career that I worked to have for so many years.. is gone. Ive seen my stepchildren that I helped raise twice in 2 years. When I say I have had the worst 2 years of my life, I am not kidding. Pure hell and devastation. Pain. There are NO words. I have been to rehab, jail, almost homeless, broke, and no one to understand. I have experienced lonely like you wouldn't believe.
I have found that everyone wants something for what they do for you.. there is always a catch. When I finally decided to start dating a few months back I had a great attitude about it. I was open. Now.. not so much. I have shut it down almost completely. The tactics that are used to 'get to know someone' are horrible. Texting for instance.. you cannot get to know anyone through texting! Unless you spend time, one on one.. its impossible. Guys have an advantage with me cause my life is an open book.. to an extent. You can get to know a lot about me if you arent too fucking lazy to look. Unfortunately most just fall in love with a image that is out there and not me. I am so much more than what is seen on the web.. that is where reading and effort comes in. I have put an extreme amount of time, effort, and love into myself and getting "well". Too many fucked up people that don't want to do anything to help themselves and its sickening. I have NO time or patience for words and talk. If I had a dollar for every line of shit or pathetic attempt to impress me.. I would be doing pretty good. ACTION is the only thing that will get my attention. Like I have said in my blog plenty of times before.. I am not desperate, and I am ok with being alone. I have proved that this material girl can live with virtually nothing and get by. I have always been extremely hard to impress but now more than ever. Yes, I am waiting for a knight on a white horse to WOW me. I am like no one else.. I can say that with all the confidence in the world. I know my worth and it is a fucking lot. I am pretty awesome. If you are going to get to know this girl.. selfishness, laziness, ulterior motives wont even get you to first base. I am an ideal 'trophy wife' for the guy that prefers muscle, other than the fact I have a brain and a mouth that I will use. I am NOT an option.. I am a priority.. to me anyhow. lol I havent been a priority to anyone in so long I cant remember what its like. Just that mutual respect and passion. I am waiting for someone incredible. I was swept off my feet once.. I know what to look for. If I see a guy putting his ego, wants, needs before simply making me happy.. I'm done. I will come first to someone. I have no time for egos and pride. Its flat out immature! I am a strong woman but I do know how to baby my man.. its up to him to get to that point with me. Behind every great man is an even greater woman. A man with the confidence and security to be with a woman like that is way sexy.
I know where I have been and I am not going to put myself back through that bullshit.. only moving forward. I have spent the last year learning how to deal and cope as an ex junkie/addict. I know what it takes to stay sane and sober.. I will not jeopardize myself for anyone who doesn't deserve me.

Am I happy in my meantime? Nope.. I'm not. I struggle everyday. Its a battle that I wish my knight would come and swoop me up from but I wont sacrifice myself for something mediocre or a big fucking headache. I do love me very, very much for the first time. I turn 35 in July. It would be awesome to have someone fantastic to celebrate with. Sure didn't think I would be celebrating 35 alone, single.
I respect myself. Ladies.. I ask for you to respect yourselves and demand respect in return. You get what you give and you attract what you are. If you don't love and respect yourself, you will attract garbage.
I believe we all have another half to make us whole. We are more powerful with someone that can complete us. I will keep the faith and keep hoping he comes along. Love, unconditional love can resolve pain.

On that note, I am sad I am saying good bye to my tattoo of my ex husbands name. Divorce is horrible. Try everything you can before opting for divorce. Just to avoid it.. not sure I will go down the isle again. Ive had people say that my baggage from my divorce is going to chase guys off but I am ok with that cause those guys are obviously not compassionate and that is not what I want. I have made peace with what happened but it still hurts like hell. Mr. Wonderful will want to understand where I have been cause he will LISTEN and want to.
Good news.. I am moving soon. Arizona and a new start. Time to go back to living by myself in my own bed!!!! Denver had a time and place in my life but it is DONE. I am so very excited!

And I was very impressed with what I did see of the NY Pro.. nice!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Yeah.. I know

No post in forever.. sorry. I have the most fucked up sleeping pattern again. I have been crazy sick with stomach problems. Insane pain. Im up at 430am learning about ADD on Dr. Phil. Its no big secret that I am totally ADD. Hmm, ADD, post tramatic stress disorder, addict, a little OCD, a lot crazy.. I am a blast. Still wouldn't change me. I have moved temperarily till I decide what I want to do. I know I do not mesh with a roommate. OMGosh so glad to get out of that deal. Cant believe what some people will do to get what they want. Con artist. This dude seriously was only nice to me cause he thought he could get me into a relationship! I moved out a week before the end of the month, went back to get my bed and a few other things and it was all gone! WTF? I seriously dont understand people.. or men for that matter. After what Ive been through.. I dont need the stupid shit! Time to grow up! There are a shitload of scumbags out there.
I know I am leaving Denver soon so I dont want to get into anything long term.. like a long term lease. Plan on prepping for the Arnold here and moving right after. I gotta state AGAIN and I will again.. the people that come out of the woodwork when I get back on stage.. DONT. I was never dead. If you arent around now.. I wont need you around then. I know who my friends are, and I know who to stay away from. A lot of sick people in this industry that let a little success make them fucking retarted. I am not angry.. I am hurt. I will spend some time out of town during the prep which will make it a little more fun. I seriously hate the gym Im training at now. Its a 24 Hour with the personality of a brick wall. Super unfriendly and no equipment. I actually use to do my cardio there back in the old days. Its not even motivating for cardio though. I can definitely feel a change in my outlook. Im not as peppy and smiley. I need to realine. Im feeling kinda bland. My training is kinda boring but its ok. My genetics are very unique and I should not be underestimated. I walked into Hooters Saturday night and stood out like BIG! Of course Im blond, pink holter, too small skinny jeans, and 5 inch heels. No ones going to notice that. Since Ive learned a little better to disappline myself maybe I can work 2013 out. I knew what I was doing YEARS ago.. I just like rebeling a little too much. When someone loses everything and hits rock bottom there is no where to go but up.

Ive been watching so many movies lately and not reading. Not good! I am so much happier when I read too. Saw The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo last night. Pretty good.. I really liked the girl.. oddly sexy, and I dig Daniel Craig. Hit me with some book recommendations. Happy stuff.

Monday, April 16, 2012

My biggest blessing..

Would be my mom and dad. I'm wide awake letting my brain.. and stomach churn. I know better than to get too lost in pity for what I do not have, I visit but I dont stay there.. but to have gratitude for what I do have. A year ago my parents saved my life when everyone else had given up. I cant say I blame them. I had given up. My parents fought for me and my life. I know that is what parents are suppose to do maybe but you cant possibly know someones true love till it is put to the test. I am not a mom myself so I couldn't know how deep that love is for a child.
Without my mom and dad I don't know where I would be. Truly.. the results would've been devastating. By far worse than what ended up being my rock bottom. At its worst I know they questioned if they were fighting a losing battle with a selfish, immature, little girl that refused to care about anyone else. My parents are not exactly young and they stood next to me with more energy to keep up at 70 and 83 than I had at 33!
Addiction is a vicious killer of everything you love. You are literally killing yourself and silently killing everyone around you. I have now been clean for a year and have made insane revelations in my life all for the absolute best! I have started to grow up.. love and appreciate everything. Because of the person I have become, I cant say that my battle with substance hasn't been a blessing itself. I have an awareness like Ive never known. I love myself.. really love myself for the first time in my life. Everyday I fall in love a little more with a woman that has found self confidence in just being herself, in her own skin (Hence all the pictures of myself. I never would've done that before.. I was too ugly.). I laugh at what I cant change, and appreciate the power to change what I can. I have the wisdom to know the difference due to many tough lessons that kicked the shit out of me. No matter how aware I am of a physical flaw I embrace it and know it makes me, me. My character flaws, I still work on and want to be better, but I am pretty proud those improvements thus far. I'm not going to cry in the corner till I have reached my idea of perfection. I will be mindful of my choices made in the moment that will affect my tomorrow as well as others. Now that I have gotten to know myself.. I don't want to stop living ever again. Life is far too much fun!
"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."
- Maya Angelou
I love you mom and dad.. you knew I was a butterfly with developing wings. You are extraordinarily kind, generous people. Thank you.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter :)

I want to say thank you today for your support and love. God bless you! :) I am so seriously blessed to be who I am. I've had a horrible week or so, but no matter how sad or how many tears I have shed in the past days, I am still grateful that I am ME. It took me 34 years to get how you MUST love yourself before you can love anyone else. You cannot give something you do not have to give. I have just re shifted my focus. I am still very aware of my down falls, but I focus on what makes me marvelous(love that word;) rather than unlovable. I was actually called arrogant the other day.. oh, and narcissistic a few before that! (Neither person actually knows me and both want to take me out!) I hate sugar coatings and appreciate constructive input/criticism.. but when its just straight out disrespect there is a difference. For my personal friends they will get a huge kick out of that cause they, of all people know just how arrogant I am not. I may possibly have some narcissistic characteristics.. I don't really know. For the second time in my life I am madly and passionately in love. She's a beautiful, funny, witty, charismatic, and loving woman.. that I am so proud to be.
I tweeted something the other day about how ironic it is that when I was so gloom and doom on myself everyone complained about that. Now that I have confidence with a real sense of self worth, and express it, people think I must just be arrogant! This truly makes me angry! I am a fucking addict you tools.. for you to put me down for finding myself and falling in love.. shame on you! Your negative conceptions of me say something about you. I can read you like a book cause you are giving yourself away in the worst way. But the weak love to pick on the strong since they know no other way to lift themselves up or get positive attention. Luckily, I don't have to tolerate it and I am strong enough to hit 'delete'. I will NOT tolerate any dysfunctional, passive aggressive mistreatment. These are my FEELINGS and they ARE valid. I still check myself and wonder if I am the one out of line by sticking up for myself, and that is frustrating. I will actually ask myself if I deserve to be defended, cause maybe they are better than me and know something I don't. I will be the first to admit my wrongs and say I am sorry if I am the guilty party.. but I will not be manipulated into saying I am wrong. I have found that even in writing about my trials of rolling in shit, I am still not always being understood, nor sympathized with.. not that I am looking for your pity.. that is not the point of this. I am realizing how lately, most people that have just begun reading have not gone back and read the beginning. This is my journey. I do know that without actually knowing me it may be a bit difficult to understand my blog and the shit I say. Especially if you only read one or two.. you may not be able to get a real thuro idea of my disposition. Plus, I cannot let you in on EVERYTHING and I am protecting some people involved. I walk a fine line. I preach humility but I am still too proud to reveil all. Some is just too painfully embarrassing. I know I am not the best writer so maybe something isn't resonating, or coming through. I tend to think its just insensitivity. I am having the courage to put myself out there to be criticized once again. Now I'm just strong enough to take it. I know now, without a doubt in my mind, that the majority of people will not be all that empathetic without walking in your shoes. It takes true adversity to build character and integrity. Be grateful for the adversity you face and the ones that don't understand it.. I promise, their time is coming and they will. Look at what a jerk I use to be? Stick to your guns, stand your ground, and hold your boundaries. If you stay consistent in your word, act on your word, and follow God's word.. people will have no choice than to respect you, and if they don't.. that is not on you. Let go! Just like me.. you ARE enough! No one else is needed to validate you once you love you.
Fact.. the number one human need is acceptance. We crave it above all so this driving desire can make our boundaries very fuzzy. When our boundaries are not clearly set, WE end up paying.. not the trespasser. There are thousands of people out there willing and waiting to victimize someone.. don't allow for them to set their sites on you. I have a girlfriend that use to tell me to stop giving my power away all the time. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. I tried to understand but I was either too drunk, high or angry to get it. Two years later, and the birth of clarity has made this all too obvious.. I don't know how I couldn't have understood. You are your power. Some of us just know how to utilize more than others. Fear can disempower. You have the power to do what is in your heart if you can let go of fear. Release your fear and keep your power. People will catch on and gravitate to your strength. I consciously 'try' to have positive power.. directing my strength for the greater good. Be mindful of your power.. for yourself and for others. Use it to make a positive difference for someone else. Be mindful of how using your power poorly may be harmful to yourself and others. Above all, NEVER underestimate your power. What may be nothing to you may mean the world to someone else if you act on it.. and this could be in a negative or positive way. Like giving someone that is hungry a sandwich, of which you have 5 and they have 0. Maybe you could care less if you use your time to go to a dinner party Friday night and there is a friend that could really use a shoulder at that moment. Missing the dinner party is nothing for you, but choosing time with the friend may mean everything to them. Choosing to do something that is not on your terms or for a reward is the most rewarding.

It has been a balancing act for me to take care of myself and still be there for others. I want to give of myself. I am genuinely a kind person that wants to be good. I really do care. I definitely do not want to hurt anyone and will avoid it at all cost. I always ask myself how I would want them to treat me in any given situation. Doesn't mean I always answer myself correctly. I have been questioning if I am ready to get into a relationship. I keep saying that if the right person comes of course, but I may be just talking. My loneliness can confuse. I miss having a playmate to share everything with. I would say losing that is by far more devastating than losing the money and material possessions. I can clearly see, and honestly admit that it will take a very special man that is able to display a level of selflessness to win my heart. How a person is willing to work to get you can foreshadow how they will work to keep you. Will they give up easily? Will they put their own wants and needs before you? Real love is selfless. Well, as selfless as one can be while still caring for themselves. ;) Once again.. balance. Achieving and maintaining balance is a skill that has to be learned and developed everyday. I like to believe that I will recognize this person when they come, and our lives will easily intertwine. I trust that God has my plan.. no matter how angry I get about my adversities. It is just up to me to keep my heart and mind open. If this means going through some toads that cant see just how lucky they are to have my attention and/or affections.. just lessons learned. I am not one to give my affection freely cause when I do, it really means something. If you find out that the hot person that you got into bed sleeps with everyone it doesn't make you feel so 'special' does it? Learn to say no so that your yes has more impact and oomph. I know.. it is hard to say no to sex with a hot person.

I had a recent 'situation' that made me very well aware of just how vunerable I really am. In the past, if my affection wouldn't have been reciprocated I would've lost my mind, but now I can at least handle it while I lose my mind and work through how I feel about it without thinking that the world is ending. Its ego flattering to have so many people adore you and want to get to know you. (However, its just annoying when they don't know how to go about it and do it in all the wrong ways.) Then one comes along that you would like to feel the way the dozens of others do and that is the one that does not.
I am very happy about the networking I am doing and how I am reaching so many people. I am sincerely enjoying it. I am having a lot of FUN and I am making new friends. I use to get so frustrated at all the mail I would get cause so much of it seemed silly and pointless, and now I appreciate even the crap that can drive me nuts to read. Yeah there is a lot of sorting through the weeds and pulling the bad ones. And as I have learned.. weeds will grow back and new ones will pop up if you don't maintain your soil. It is a full time job just trying to rebuild a life and very slow going, but I see the possibilities for my future all the time. Hopefully with a little luck I will meet someone that can share in my vision. I have my down moments, angry moments, and want to kill someone moments.. but I still appreciate every little thing at the same time.

I want to address my 'crazy girl' reputation. Something I do not appreciate. Its about time I take a stab at defending myself here. We all have a different perception of what craziness entails. I recently watched a documentary on psychopaths. People perceive them to be crazies, which they kinda are but they are so much more. Crazy can be harmless.. psychopaths are out for you for their own pay off.
I have been a wild child since forever. There have been times over the years that I have been known to be out of hand and out of touch.. wild. All the years I was being labeled as 'crazy' I realize now it was only cause I was so honest about my feelings and I just didn't always know how to express them. In general people don't know how to react to raw honesty anyhow. Someone open and honest must be crazy right? Since it is so normally sane to repress and deny. I suppose addicts can be seen as crazy also. I sure have thought addicts are fucking nuts. Truth is they aren't necessarily nuts or crazy, but their behaviors are. I was constantly trying to express myself while trying desperately to be PC. That alone made me feel crazy. Its that deal of trying to make everyone happy and not offend anyone. Deep down inside, I just wanted to do what I felt would make me happy.. but I was being told by people I loved and I thought loved me that I was doing things wrong. Hmmm.. so being me is wrong? Yeah, that's a recipe for a disastrous self esteem when you are receiving that kind of message. In the end, it would backfire and have the opposite effect by hurting me the worst while sparing others. I am a woman with conviction, emotion, opinions, ideas and a lot of energy. Not something that is tamable and I resented that people tried. I may be crazy but I am the most honest, loyal, and real crazy person you could ever meet. I am the best kind of crazy! If this is crazy, I don't want to be sane! I'm just sayin.. I was never really crazy, but maybe.. unhappy. The people doing the crazy calling were not in my shoes, nor even in my life. I gotta say though, there are some serious crazies in this industry! Holy shit! In no way do I compare!

If you find my writing is offensive or plain shitty, I am sorry that you feel that way.. I really am cause I think its pretty good despite over looking something now and then. I did not proof read cause I was just tired of looking at this screen and need a nappy. I am not going to conform or be anything that I am not. Take me for what you want.. or just don't read me. Love me or leave me. ;) I can take it. I will love you though and will try my best to be here for you.
I love Twitter since I started it last month. You can follow me @HeatherMPolicky