Tuesday, May 29, 2012

What now Heather? ;)

Bars are a funny thing.. they are filled with people that are looking for something but who knows what cause they sure as hell don't. They are all hiding behind something. The liquor, drugs, over priced clothes and cologne, the over priced car in valet that they bought to impress everyone cause they are so fucking insecure about themselves. Don't get me wrong.. I love nice things but if you are just a shell with nice things you are nothing but an overrated, over priced douche bag. Not everyone but close. I love the lyrics..
So there's problems in your life
That's fucked up
And I'm not blind
You're just see-through faded
Over-rated
And out of your mind
I am the queen of hiding behind something.. my choice was drugs. I love drugs. That's my way to escape myself and any pain that may be surfacing or lingering. Shopping for shit I don't need is the other. Oh and we cant forget my food binges. Having to look at myself is horribly painful. Now that Ive had a good year of really looking at ME and every flaw exposed like a raw nerve I can unfortunately, see everyone elses bullshit all too clearly. I have nothing to lose by mentioning what I think.. so I do. Like Ive said.. I pick and choose my battles but sometimes when I am pushed to say something, I just gotta. Human beings by nature aren't very compassionate and very fucking selfish. I know that to stay away from the hard drugs that I love so much I MUST be very aware and conscious of my surroundings and the company I keep. People that aren't addicts (or should I say THINK they aren't addicts.. cause I know a fuck load in denial) don't comprehend that and don't really give a shit what is good or right for you cause they are too worried about what makes them happy.. but they sure as fuck care when you fall off and go get fucked up on a bender. They are the first people to be pissed off pointing their fingers about how bad you fucked up. Selfish fucks.. want it all their way don't they? ;) True love, unconditional love.. is selfless.. they the best of human ability. Hey, even I am guilty of wanting others to do or think my way. I think everyone should think like me. Or at least not be so unbelievably stupid. Now I know when to put my foot down and draw that line. Push me, I dare you. I am strong enough to say that and mean it. Don't take my tough talk for being a hard ass cause quite honestly I have humongous heart and have a whole lot of compassion and empathy. Even if I do say so myself. ;) I get hurt just as easy as a talk shit.. I'm just not afraid to talk that shit and then back it up. But, because of what I have been through, I'm not only 100% more compassionate and empathetic but also a way bigger, stronger tough ass. And you thought I was tough before. Shit.. silly you.

I had a nice lil vacation weekend but today was not so good.. I wanted to get loaded today so bad. True story. I was sad, lonely, angry as hell, and everything was looking pretty grim. I have never lived with anyone that I wasn't bangin till these past months. Yes, I said that. Its just not for me. I think if people are going to live together they have to have some or all the same pathways going on. Me and my roomie who is my oldest friend are def not going the same way. It can be stressful for me. I swallow it like a lump of shit cause it is my option for now.
I HATE having a good few days, week, whatever and then a shit storm. I saw this cute little saying on FB.. "may your life someday be as great as you make it sound on FB". I love that! If it really is as great as all of your post.. you are my idol.. liar! So I was throwing a bit of a pity party. I checked myself and did what I knew would make me feel better and make the urge pass. I danced, I cried, sang horribly (that alone would make you cry too), and cleaned. I swear if it wasn't for music and books I don't know how I couldve lived through many days. I have music on 24/7. From classic rock to club to country to rap. Like right now Im listening to Bryan Adams, Drake, Black Eyed Peas and Shinedown. Food, books, flowers, and music.. a few quick ways to my heart. Still wish I would've learned to be a DJ years ago. I would've been a killer club DJ. OoooI gotta recommend this cute lil boy group song called 'glad you came' by The Wanted. Its so fun!

The biggest realization I had today, and the most painful, is something Ive always kinda known but it really settled in today. I really don't have but a couple of people in my life to talk to. (This is where I must say please don't contact me saying, I can call you anytime to talk. The only people I talk to are people that have been in my life for some time to know what is going on. Briefing you would take weeks.) I also don't hold nearly as much in and I know when its not worth saying anymore. I stick up for myself.. always. Stifling who you are is only a recipe for disaster. Please be you no matter what. God gave you a voice.. use it! I have such a gigantic appreciation for all sorts of people from every walk of life. I may not like all of them but I give em love for being who they are. Its you phony fucks I cant stand! I know I'm a bad ass bitch cause I have balls.. and I am real as fuck! And I'm pretty funny and cute.
Don't be a pussy and let anyone bullshit you. Think for yourself! Someday it will be too late.. and you will be drawing your last breath with only a wish that you couldve known and taken action sooner. And, the worst part.. you will look around and none of those assholes telling you what to do and offering their stupid ass advice will be in sight. Look around now and ask yourself who will be. OR if you lost everything today.. who will be there tomorrow? I promise a few of them, if not a lot have got your dumb ass fooled. Humble yourself and you will find a level of peace that you never knew. I am still learning but letting go of some of that foolish pride is freeing like nothing else. There is a difference between being a bad ass and playing tough cause of your pride and being a bad ass cause you have had to eat humble pie and lived to know that you aint all that.

So I got my tattoo done. I had a friend in town to hold my hand cause it hurt like hell!!! I do a lot by myself but this was one thing I needed some support on. Ooooo my gosh!!!! I love needles and self mutilation but this made me rethink that love. The pain was pretty extreme on many levels. I laid back and put on my headphones listening to the song 'somebody I use to know'. Ive had great feedback on it but its a lot to get use to. I got a carp.. otherwise a Koi. I never in a million years would've thought I would put a Japanese fish on me but it has excellent meaning which I am very happy about. I still kinda regret not getting my other option but I might offend the wrong people if I have the word fuck on my ankle. As if I really care. ;)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Single in the meantime.. I gotta rant

5 years ago and 1 day, I married my best friend, soul mate, love of my life. Little did I know the man I wanted to be with FOREVER, and trusted with my life, would change so terribly. He is proof of how my beloved industry can fuck with your head and change you in bad, ugly ways. I was betrayed in so many ways, on so many levels by the one person I trusted with EVERYTHING. A year and a half after splitting and 3 failed reconciliations later(on his part) he becomes engaged to the client that he betrayed me with and still has everything we built together. I am single, living at a friends, and my career that I worked to have for so many years.. is gone. Ive seen my stepchildren that I helped raise twice in 2 years. When I say I have had the worst 2 years of my life, I am not kidding. Pure hell and devastation. Pain. There are NO words. I have been to rehab, jail, almost homeless, broke, and no one to understand. I have experienced lonely like you wouldn't believe.
I have found that everyone wants something for what they do for you.. there is always a catch. When I finally decided to start dating a few months back I had a great attitude about it. I was open. Now.. not so much. I have shut it down almost completely. The tactics that are used to 'get to know someone' are horrible. Texting for instance.. you cannot get to know anyone through texting! Unless you spend time, one on one.. its impossible. Guys have an advantage with me cause my life is an open book.. to an extent. You can get to know a lot about me if you arent too fucking lazy to look. Unfortunately most just fall in love with a image that is out there and not me. I am so much more than what is seen on the web.. that is where reading and effort comes in. I have put an extreme amount of time, effort, and love into myself and getting "well". Too many fucked up people that don't want to do anything to help themselves and its sickening. I have NO time or patience for words and talk. If I had a dollar for every line of shit or pathetic attempt to impress me.. I would be doing pretty good. ACTION is the only thing that will get my attention. Like I have said in my blog plenty of times before.. I am not desperate, and I am ok with being alone. I have proved that this material girl can live with virtually nothing and get by. I have always been extremely hard to impress but now more than ever. Yes, I am waiting for a knight on a white horse to WOW me. I am like no one else.. I can say that with all the confidence in the world. I know my worth and it is a fucking lot. I am pretty awesome. If you are going to get to know this girl.. selfishness, laziness, ulterior motives wont even get you to first base. I am an ideal 'trophy wife' for the guy that prefers muscle, other than the fact I have a brain and a mouth that I will use. I am NOT an option.. I am a priority.. to me anyhow. lol I havent been a priority to anyone in so long I cant remember what its like. Just that mutual respect and passion. I am waiting for someone incredible. I was swept off my feet once.. I know what to look for. If I see a guy putting his ego, wants, needs before simply making me happy.. I'm done. I will come first to someone. I have no time for egos and pride. Its flat out immature! I am a strong woman but I do know how to baby my man.. its up to him to get to that point with me. Behind every great man is an even greater woman. A man with the confidence and security to be with a woman like that is way sexy.
I know where I have been and I am not going to put myself back through that bullshit.. only moving forward. I have spent the last year learning how to deal and cope as an ex junkie/addict. I know what it takes to stay sane and sober.. I will not jeopardize myself for anyone who doesn't deserve me.


Am I happy in my meantime? Nope.. I'm not. I struggle everyday. Its a battle that I wish my knight would come and swoop me up from but I wont sacrifice myself for something mediocre or a big fucking headache. I do love me very, very much for the first time. I turn 35 in July. It would be awesome to have someone fantastic to celebrate with. Sure didn't think I would be celebrating 35 alone, single.
I respect myself. Ladies.. I ask for you to respect yourselves and demand respect in return. You get what you give and you attract what you are. If you don't love and respect yourself, you will attract garbage.
I believe we all have another half to make us whole. We are more powerful with someone that can complete us. I will keep the faith and keep hoping he comes along. Love, unconditional love can resolve pain.

On that note, I am sad I am saying good bye to my tattoo of my ex husbands name. Divorce is horrible. Try everything you can before opting for divorce. Just to avoid it.. not sure I will go down the isle again. Ive had people say that my baggage from my divorce is going to chase guys off but I am ok with that cause those guys are obviously not compassionate and that is not what I want. I have made peace with what happened but it still hurts like hell. Mr. Wonderful will want to understand where I have been cause he will LISTEN and want to.
Good news.. I am moving soon. Arizona and a new start. Time to go back to living by myself in my own bed!!!! Denver had a time and place in my life but it is DONE. I am so very excited!

And I was very impressed with what I did see of the NY Pro.. nice!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Yeah.. I know

No post in forever.. sorry. I have the most fucked up sleeping pattern again. I have been crazy sick with stomach problems. Insane pain. Im up at 430am learning about ADD on Dr. Phil. Its no big secret that I am totally ADD. Hmm, ADD, post tramatic stress disorder, addict, a little OCD, a lot crazy.. I am a blast. Still wouldn't change me. I have moved temperarily till I decide what I want to do. I know I do not mesh with a roommate. OMGosh so glad to get out of that deal. Cant believe what some people will do to get what they want. Con artist. This dude seriously was only nice to me cause he thought he could get me into a relationship! I moved out a week before the end of the month, went back to get my bed and a few other things and it was all gone! WTF? I seriously dont understand people.. or men for that matter. After what Ive been through.. I dont need the stupid shit! Time to grow up! There are a shitload of scumbags out there.
I know I am leaving Denver soon so I dont want to get into anything long term.. like a long term lease. Plan on prepping for the Arnold here and moving right after. I gotta state AGAIN and I will again.. the people that come out of the woodwork when I get back on stage.. DONT. I was never dead. If you arent around now.. I wont need you around then. I know who my friends are, and I know who to stay away from. A lot of sick people in this industry that let a little success make them fucking retarted. I am not angry.. I am hurt. I will spend some time out of town during the prep which will make it a little more fun. I seriously hate the gym Im training at now. Its a 24 Hour with the personality of a brick wall. Super unfriendly and no equipment. I actually use to do my cardio there back in the old days. Its not even motivating for cardio though. I can definitely feel a change in my outlook. Im not as peppy and smiley. I need to realine. Im feeling kinda bland. My training is kinda boring but its ok. My genetics are very unique and I should not be underestimated. I walked into Hooters Saturday night and stood out like BIG! Of course Im blond, pink holter, too small skinny jeans, and 5 inch heels. No ones going to notice that. Since Ive learned a little better to disappline myself maybe I can work 2013 out. I knew what I was doing YEARS ago.. I just like rebeling a little too much. When someone loses everything and hits rock bottom there is no where to go but up.

Ive been watching so many movies lately and not reading. Not good! I am so much happier when I read too. Saw The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo last night. Pretty good.. I really liked the girl.. oddly sexy, and I dig Daniel Craig. Hit me with some book recommendations. Happy stuff.