Mistakes

Today I am thinking about my mistakes. Heavy huh? ;) When you are in your meantime you ponder A LOT. When I was in my early 20s I still had no regrets. How things change. New Years is around the corner and its that time again for the resolutions. Yuck.. I know. I can resolve to stop making mistakes but how realistic is that? Not so much. Pretty vague so I do resolve daily to be more mindful of every action, thought, and word that comes out of my mouth. I have a group class on Mondays so I end up thinking a lot and analysing shit to death. I have made peace with many mistakes and things I cannot change for the most part but I think that we always carry the thoughts with us of just knowing that they were made and what if something was done differently. Good ol 'what ifs'.. and cousins.. coulda and shoulda. Guilt and shame. I swore off the two months ago but they creep in. One of my biggest coping skills is to stop and really think out what my possible actions could do and the consequences of. Still, there are many factors that can play into making a mistake, many out of our control. I still wonder if my emotions are completely in my control. Damn! So worry, stress, anxiety comes in and what can we really do about that mess? Ask if it is something in our control and if its not.. worry and stress is eating our energy and life force for nothin.
OMG.. all these emotions are exhausting. No wonder it gets easy to 'check out' and figure out ways to band aid the emotions and internal chaos. Yeah, this is when I say.. if only I knew then what I know now. This is learning from mistakes.. AND not repeating the insanity. People do what they think works. THINK works.. doesn't mean it does but if they are getting some sort of pay off from their behavior then it obviously must be working, right? What we think is working for us is usually a quick fix or instant gratification to only become a bigger problem later. Like the cookies I ate earlier cause I was feeling a little sad? Now I'm just sadder cause the same thing is weighing on my mind and I have a tummy ache on top of it. This scenario has been played out too often for me and probably you on some similar level. I do know now though that this bullshit does not serve me for any benefit other than more misery. 

One of my biggest life mistakes was ever trying the chemical band aids for stuff normal people just deal with. I have been guilty of blaming bodybuilding of 'making' me behave in a negative way but I think that is actually unfair to say, although I do think there are some circumstances that can take blame.. its all debatable. There are people out there that do this sanely... I think. ;) Ironically, I would kill myself in the gym but other than that I would do anything to avoid pain. Once I got a taste of what pain killers, benzos, alcohol, could do to cover up a little(or not so little) problem it continued to be the tune I would play off and on for years. It became super helpful going through divorce cause I didn't want anyone to see how much pain I was in. It was a double edged sword. I was drowning in shame everywhere. Much of the shame cause of others actions that I couldn't do shit about but treat myself worse! Yeah, illogical and crazy! I was either sober and so miserable to be around due to sadness or fucked up and miserable to be around cause I was out of control. I thought that is was better to be fake happy cause I didn't want anyone to think that divorce was getting the best of me or hurting me THAT bad. We've all known someone that is going through something so heartbreaking that they have that far away look in their eye and you don't really know what to say or do around them. You probably even feel uncomfortable around them. No one wants to be around Debbie Downer. I thought the pressure was on for me just be 'fixed'. My friends were first tired of me being so depressed then of my crazy benders. I didn't want to even be around anyone unless I could be fake happy and fucked up. I ended isolating a lot and that is a huge no no. So yeah.. once I saw what an easy quick fix(for the moment) it was it made sense in my extreme way of thinking to use it to my advantage. My behaviors definitely had payoffs that seemed to work for me. Even my temper tantrums. Part of the challenge of bodybuilding is learning to manipulate everything to your advantage. So there I was with a doctorate in manipulation cause I was a bodybuilder AND an addict but I didn't use it for the greater good of anyone but me for the most part. A mixture of female, extremely passionate, wild, addictive personality, easily stressed and excitable, spoiled and entitled.. you got an explosive recipe. I regret how I have hurt others with my selfishness and ignorance. Bodybuilders in general are very extreme, selfish people. We don't tend to think in the grey.. its black or white. Moderation was never one of my strong suits. I practiced excess... in everything! I'm learning moderation at 34 years old. Sex is only thing I can think of that should have nothing to do with moderation. Can you imagine.. Yes, only have moderate amounts of sex. Too much is just.. unhealthy. WTF?


As much as I would love to change a few of my fuck ups I gotta wonder if that would be wise. Everything does happen for a reason. Let it play out long enough and you will find out why. May just be confusing or even painful in the meantime.