What you cannot get and whatever else..

I'm up way too late.. as usually. Cant sleep. I'm home alone and dancing all over the place. I just ate an obscene amount of ice cream so I gotta burn that shit off! I LOVE music and lately I discover a new song about once a week that I play OVER AND OVER. I enclosed some pics of me entertaining myself. Have a good laugh on me! I have been spending a lot of time by myself which is cool but it does get old. I don't want to get so use to it that that is all I do so I am aware of it and break the pattern here and there. However, I know not to put myself in harmful situations too.
Ive really been thinking about what I do not have that I want this week. This week has been a real kick in the face. I don't like focusing on have nots cause I can lose sight of gratitude. Ive done it before. I have learned to live without most of what I was use to the last two years, survival. Now I'm not so content that I am seeing the possibilities and its SO close yet I still cant touch it. I know we can all agree that there have been times we want something so bad and it is just not going to happen. Or maybe its just that we don't see the possibilities and give up too soon. I tend to think its laziness. I am a persistent shit when I reeeeeally want something though. Maybe we don't really want it all that bad. I thought I wanted that Olympia title, but guess not all that bad. I wanted it for the wrong reasons. I lost sight of a 12 year old girl that thought it would be amazing to be a Ms. Olympia. I didn't make clear goals for it. I preach now about having conviction cause I had lost mine for years and I don't want anyone else to go through that sad lull of confusion. And I fucking hate people sitting on the pot. Shit already! Being wishy washy about your desires will leave you very disappointed and unsatisfied in 20 years with no way of turning back the clock. No one deserves to be as lost as I was.
I got a lot of responses to my earlier post on this and I was sad to see how many people have things they want and say they cant have but what I saw was.. why not? The wants didn't sound unobtainable to me. Don't limit yourself on something that IS possible! You aren't on death row wanting to go to a Rolling Stones concert! That may be a tough one.
I am all about positive thinking and going after whatever it is that you want.. believing anything can happen. I am a fighter. I have a couple of situations completely out of reach and out of my control right now and it makes me furious. Ive also lived real life without the heavy fog of bullshit and its not always cherries no matter how positive you are. Shit happens.. right? Be proactive and keep going. The biggest life struggles will be your most influential time of growth. TRUE! Unless you choose to ignore.. that's on you. I can look at life at every angle, especially with my current clarity. I have self sabotaged myself dozens of times to give myself the opposite of what I want as a result. I have feared succeeding and let me tell ya.. its bullshit. I was always so scared of succeeding. What if people didn't like me cause I was so good? Weird huh? Hard lessons have given me the strength to fight through ANYTHING. The last thing I care about now is what anyone else thinks. A whole lot of people say that, but I MEAN IT. God is the only one I have to answer to and Ive already begged for forgiveness for the 246,096 shitty things Ive done (didn't know I could count that high). Other people can sabotage you and leave your life lacking that beautiful shine if you allow them to.. steal your light and joy. Unfortunately I am here to tell you that the biggest majority of people you come across are going to want to see you miserable and fail horribly. They are miserable, hateful beings themselves. They will probably never take accountability for what they do to others so don't waste time with them. Unhappy, bitter people bitch, complain, and judge for no good reason other than to serve their own selfish insecurities. Fuck them! I am so confident now in who I am as a person with my character that it doesn't even make me falter. I make mistakes everyday and fix them. Power is within you to make any change necessary to create crazy cool amounts of happiness! Surround yourself with ones that lift you up. Anyone pulling you down is self serving and they need to go down the road.
I have had so many things taken away from me and it still continues to happen even when I have nothing left to take. When you're vulnerable you are susceptible to hurtful events and treatment cause others see you as an opportunity to help themselves. I understand that I cant have everything thing I want right now or maybe never but learning to cope with fuckers taking from me cause of their own selfish shit is like swallowing battery acid! There are a few things that I want so badly right now and I can do nothing about. Its right there teasing me but just out of reach.. BUT I am not going to take it out on innocent bystanders. For a mean, spoiled girl that sucks! Luckily I'm not nearly as spoiled.. or mean, as I once was so I can accept it no matter how much I don't like it. I do know that I will not give up if there is an ounce of a possibility for me to get it. I do not settle for the next best. Neither should you! Mediocrity is so boring! Keep moving forward and use your 'meantime' to improve yourself. Beauty starts on the inside! Yeah, yeah.. Heather's cliche bullshit again. ;) You know I'm right, and I am your reminder. You love me or you wouldn't keep telling me.  Heather 142, you 0
Swallow your foolish pride cause its doing no one any favors. Humility is a beautiful thing. Possibilities are endless especially once you humble yourself.
I am going to still pout about what I want and do not have a few times a day and then I will slap on a huge smile and remind myself that I wouldn't want to be in any shoes other than my own. Pants are a completely different item. ;)

I'm out cause I'm finally tired.. Dance Party USA does it every time! Sorry for the slapped together blog.. kinda.

What is up..

I haven't had a real post for a bit.. I know. I haven't really felt like writing. I am super bored today and I still don't feel like writing so this could possibly really suck to read but if you aren't intelligent enough to piece it together than you shouldn't be reading my blog anyhow. See?.. I'm already being a dick. I usually write these just to entertain myself. I have been screwin around on line all day.. to entertain myself. Ugh! I am a little pissed about how things have been going. Ive been emotional. I am actually depressed I think. I'm eating horribly and breaking out! WTF? I'll get over it and its not a big deal.. I am working through my feelings and I am fully aware that some shit ya just cant control or change. You definitely cant control other people's actions or behavior but you can control your own reactions. I got myself into way too much hot water reacting wrong to others and WOW.. not worth one second of it. The people that hurt you carry on with their lifes and could give a shit less about how you feel about it so you best be prepared. That's cause they are selfish fucks that have never had to truly suffer.. or vindictive manipulators (takes one to know one, or so I hear), and they probably don't really have love for you anyhow. Ive established that I have learned some hard lessons but I am very happy with who I am from it. It is so true that you will have the most miserable time going through the most growth in your life.
I am a bad ass woman.. possibly even a bitch but not nearly the bitch Karma is.

Lets clarify.. I am single by CHOICE cause I am not going to settle or jump into anything. I am far from hard up. Don't think you are doing me any favors with your deluded idea of your self importance. I am not impressed. Take a listen to the song "Make Me Proud" by Drake.. that's kinda me. I am definitely not looking to hurt anyone either so I am mindful of my actions. I sure as hell don't need to be with someone that bad. I am proud of the fact that I can be by myself and make the most of it, but I am humble enough to admit that I am totally lonely and would love to fall in love. I really miss sex and intimacy. I want a best friend and life partner absolutely. I will not go through another divorce. The last one almost killed me.. I will bury the mother fucker in the back yard before I allow that bullshit again.
I am going to be worked for. I know I am worth it. You really do teach people how to treat you. Men are a little lazy. I can understand if they just aren't into ya but when they sing your praises then don't really act on it.. I am confused. You want to drive a Ferrari then you better be prepared for the responsibilities of owning one. I don't expect them to walk a tight rope for me but put in some time and effort. Time is one of the best ways to show love. I guess it is a bit of a tight rope to find the balance to not be smothering, but attentive.
Guys.. you want a lady, then act like a fucking gentleman. You just may also get the whore in the bedroom with it as a bonus. ;)

Woman's physique.. I'm pretty disappointed. I was seriously thinking this could be an option but as of now.. no way! These are woman that look fantastic off stage but on.. I am really unimpressed. Lets be honest.. its a bit dull. Its definitely not what I thought it would be. I thought this would be a way for me to be what I want but this is not looking like IT. Where is the in between? Its figure without the heels. There are a few woman that are a tad more muscular and more cut than figure but not too many. I'm not going to keep stating what I don't like cause people will get ass hurt and take everything so fucking personal. I absolutely don't mean to take away from the woman that are doing it right now cause they have stunning, beautiful bodies but I am not happy with what WP is turning out to be for competitive reasons. I know its still a big question if I will end up on stage next year but most likely I will. I'm still not going to say for sure. I am super happy and refocused. I totally disagree with the new point system for qualification. It may be fine for figure, bikini... but not for bb. I wont give up my life to compete constantly. I know my boundaries and limitations. I am almost 100% restored to who I was before all the crazy critical pressure kicked in and I will not give that up.
Theres so many flaky, wishy washy people in the industry that wont stand their ground and constantly worry about everyone else. Or the people that want to control everyone elses lives and just expect everyone to conform to their idea of what is right. This is a recipe for disaster with me.. I am not meant to be a conformist. You CAN be a good, if not excellent person and still have an opinion and boundaries.
By the way.. if you are letting people tell you what to think and how to act.. you are a pussy. May want to check into a spine implant.


I'm closing with the lyrics from one of my favorite kick ass songs by Disturbed. I love music lyrics and relate them to everything in life.. that is what they are about. And by the way.. if I do criticize something.. its not for nothing. ;)

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

Just stop with all of your little deliberate problems with my life
Enough of all the crippling, terrible pain we feel inside
Step back a moment, remember how the miracle started in our life
Take back the torment; I won't be enjoying this moment knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world

All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in
All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world
We'll be the best in the world
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

Cory's Blog

I ran across some Cory Everson stuff today and found her blog. It hasn't been updated in a few years but that's ok. Like most all bb, I fell in love with bb when Cory was Ms. Olympia. Her and the other Olympia competitors are what put crazy ideas in my head. Back then there was such a different feel to bb. Just looking at the pictures I could feel it. Seems the more Joe Weider stepped back the less love the woman got. The 80s were just feel good all the way around. I don't really have much to say today so I'm posting one of Cory's blog post. This is something I have to say to myself everyday.

it’s time to quit obsessing and start living!

December 17, 2008

Americans are way too obsessed with physical appearance. We obsess about our stomachs, breasts, and butts, and spend billions on liposuction and weight loss pills. We think if we are skinny and look good we will be happy….wrong.
As a bodybuilder I understand all too well what it is like to focus compulsively on this or that body part to try to create perfection.
Now do me a favor and look at all those celebrities who you think are really leading great lives? Not many! Usually you see news about celebrities and drug or alcohol clinics, divorce, even death ….So…. Why do you want to be like these “superstars”? What do they really have to teach us about being successful, and healthy?
Maybe the problem is they are not focused and are chasing too many dreams at once. The true answer to success is in Your Own Focus. If you chase two rabbits both will escape.
So chase one at a time and you’ll reach your goals…step by step.
60% of American women do not match the cover girl ideal and are a size 12 or higher and almost 50% are size 14 or above. Since stress causes our bodies to store more fat, let’s not make it worse by stressing about these numbers.
33% of the American population is overweight today compared to only 25%, 20 years ago. So where is all this obsessing getting us? Nowhere but with bigger waistlines and higher body at percentages.
Now listen to this. The Wall Street Journal asked both men and women “Would you like to weigh 15 lb. less or live 5 years longer?” The majority of the men wanted to live longer but the majority of the women wanted to weigh less. Can you believe a person would choose death over weighting a little less. This absolutely distorted view about our self-image is carried into all of our relationships, from family to coworkers.Isn’t it time we all take a good look within and find our true beauty … from the inside out.
Now is the time to quit obsessing and start living.

Challenge the mirror

Ok so I have something for u to do for yourself that is for inner beauty. Journal and list people u know, interact with, and then what annoys u about them. Things they do and behaviors that make u go crazy. Look at what u have written, reread, take inventory. R any of these thing something that maybe someone else would see in u? Meditate on it. What do u need to correct? We all screw up and do dumb shit that can be hypocritical but it's up to us to recognize it and fix it!

Ureka moment..

Ah ha.. whatever you want to call it. I am so tired but again.. I cant sleep. You know when your head wont shut down? Ive said how after taking a step away from the bb world Ive had a chance to look in from the outside. I have so many realizations this way that I wish I would've had while I was still on the inside. LOL Better late then never. I find now I can be more honest and open with myself and everyone else.
Ive always had a hard time pin pointing all the little, or big reasons I struggled with being a professional bb. One of my bigger ones wast my internal struggle with being 'big'. Even when I was 'normal' sized my stature (there's that word again) was big. I never looked what I weighed. I was at a county fair (cause that is what we do in corn country) when I was 15 and I stopped to get my weight guessed.. yeah, its a game. Ha! The dude guessed me at 110 and I was 128. I guess it had something to do with my all corn diet.. I don't know, just what I've heard. Oh shit.. I amuse myself. So you take a girl that is built like a 'shit brick house'... whatever the fuck that is.. give her some weights to play with, a lot of food, some good supplementation and taaa daaa! Ya get an even bigger shit brick house.
I was talking to someone about how easy it is for me to put on muscle and how they don't have such an easy time with it and how I'm so lucky.. blah, blah, blah. A conversation I have had dozens of times over the years, when I realized I have never really embraced or felt grateful for this and I am a bb??? How odd right? What bb doesn't want to easily be able to put on muscle and keep it? Me. Is it cause the grass is always greener? I do know that right then I could almost articulate my feelings toward it.. or try to at least. I have always felt, for YEARS now that being big = bad. Not in society as much as I have in my own industry! That's right, the industry that I compete as a bb. For years as an armature I was 'too big'. People said, oh they didn't know how to judge you cause you looked too much like a pro. Well for me being criticized for being too big made me feel inadequate to my much smaller counter parts.. figure, fitness. After all they were the ones getting the attention for being so glamorous and pretty. The fbb were the ugly stepsisters. Labeled that only weirdos or 'shmoes' like us cause we are so big and manly. I am here to tell you that is def not the case. Well, there are weirdos.. lets not bullshit but they are everywhere. Even on the male side! Or should I say especially on the male side? A lot of woman do not like mbb cause they are 'gross'. Not my word. I saw a mug shot of the guy that was put away for stalking Madonna and that guy was a stereotypical 'weirdo'. I'm pretty sure he didn't want to lick her muscles.
As its been brought to attention a million times over the years since the earlier 90s that the fbb have not always gotten a lot of love from our own industry. I personally always felt a sense of not being as accepted.. again, in my own industry, as these smaller woman wearing heels. I essentially got a complex. I resented different things on many different levels. Most of all I just wanted to be able to embrace and love my genetic body for what it was but it never seemed to work that way. I thought I had picked the right forum in which to do it.
My body shape is VERY curvy. This could be a reason that it works well on stage. I am not the athletic square angular shape. If you've seen me in person, less muscular, you know what I mean. No doubt I'm a woman. I also happen to be introduced to the sport when Cory was still around. Most of the woman competing now don't even know that at one time figure didn't even exist and bb ruled the stage. And still does.;) The turn over is very high too. Competitors come and go. Most of them figure and now bikini. They want to try something new for a bit and tire of it. These are woman that weren't around to see the evolution of the sport. That fbb is what pioneered all of this! I know for a fact that many woman don't want to bb cause it is tougher and more responsibility.. and they most likely wont do as well in it to get that pro card. I did not say all. I know I have often wanted to be the normal girl but then again.. normal is boring. Ive even wanted to be the figure or bikini girl.. then I realize how unique I am and I'm fine where I am at. The times I want to change the way I look is in times that I want to blend in.

Not everyone loves a big curvy muscle chic and that is ok. I know I get so corny excited about this stuff but I am so happy that I am finally to this point of acceptance that I beam! Its liberating and freeing!!! Nice to let go of shit that is holding your soul down like a weight. Ahhhhhhh... :)))

Now I am tired.. sweet!

Awesome day!

Call me crazy.. I love Mondays! I love a fresh starting week. It just feels good. Still need to go get my computer virus fixed. Ugh! Today was quite honestly the first nice day Denver has had since Thanksgiving. Yesterday was ok but today was fantastic! I know I bitch about the cold a lot but I really do hate it. I love sun and warmth, it just makes everything better. I hope this doesn't sound morbid but I was just excited to be alive today cause I was so blissfully happy. Have you seen the Geico commercial with the little pig zip lining and he is weeeeeeee'ing? "Pure adrenalin" LOL That is me on the inside most of the time.. especially today. Somewhere between 2010 and 11 I could've so easily been dead so many times due to my irresponsible recklessness. Here I am alive to look back on my stupidity and so happy that I am on the other side of that shit. After I backed out of my last Olympia I lost myself on purpose with the purpose of not feeling or dealing with anything that was really happening and hurting me. Shit still hurts, time does not heal all but I obviously cope with it without the stupidity now. That alone creates happiness.

Yeah, so I am in love with Twitter. I confess. I finally gave into getting an account a few days ago and now I am addicted. Maybe I should really be dating a person rather than my computer (To keep it interesting I cheat on my computer with my phone. Its really hot an juicy stuff.). At least I can't catch my computers virus. I wish back in my rock star/super star days I would've had mobile internet to keep up with mail cause now it is so easy but I don't get as much attention like I did then. I am very happy with how the blog is doing with growing in popularity. I do read all your messages, post, and mail. Very appreciated. Notoriety is a funny thing. In today's world it can make you famous. Look at all the shows on tv now. The most random people are becoming fascinating. As much as I have cursed the little bit I have in the past, I am enjoying it now. Like I've said; when you lose everything you get a new perspective on everything. :) I have a great understanding of appreciation.

So I start my kickboxing training this week! I am super excited. Ive been wanting to do this forever. I want to do so many things I get almost.. unraveled. I am very mindful of how scattered I can be so I'm organizing and prioritizing my goals. Ok so still, I am a little messy. LOL Next I am going to go back to dance lessons next month.. ahhhhh! :) Surfing is coming soon. On a not so action packed thought so is school. Yawn! Rebuilding life mid thirties.. its not SO bad. Maybe not what I had planned but like the Joseph Campbell quote; you must let go of the life you had planned to accept the one that is waiting for you.

In memory of my rock star days.. oh jeez I thought I was so hot at 23! Silly girl!

Inside and out.. the good ol days

I am reminiscing about my years competing a lot this week. Who knows where this may go cause I'm a ball of thoughts. I am surprised how everyone relates so much to my babble but hey, Jersey Shore is a hit and that is mega babble.
Really doing some thinking.. a LOT of thinking. There is nothing like doing the Arnold Classic. In many ways I feel like I am back where I left off 2 years ago when I pulled out of it.. only healthier. It was my second pro show in 07 and I was very impressed from the time I arrived in Columbus. It is an experience I highly recommend if you ever possibly get the chance. I understand however, its only a possibility for very few. I am grateful that I had it.. and my Olympia experiences. The post below (Amanda and Tim) have excellent points. Ive been finally aware for some time that it all has to be for me cause I love it. There was an 11 year old girl yeeearrsss ago that fell in love with bb. Yes, I am debating coming back and how to do it.. physique vs. bb. I realize I am a densely built girl and getting 'small' can be a challenge. Getting big can be a little tricky too cause you have to be able to do it right. You know.. not look like a dude but still be massive. This is another obstacle that the men do not have to worry about. Im not even going to lie.. I am very, very happy that I got some time to step back and look at things from the outside in. Not bb for a while. It was really nice! But, I still love bb and being a bb. I did say I would never be competing into my 40s and I RARELY if ever come back on my word, but I have some years before I even hit 40. As a young girl I looooved bb. I was attracted to it instantly. Not only on the male body but also on woman. It just accentuated the possibilities of the human shape. Kinda strange for a girl that hated sports. The woman that taught me bb was the first one to plant the idea that I could be a Ms. Olympia one day. I never forgot that. Because bb had gotten so outrageous over the years I didn't even think that competing would ever be possible for me. When I was successful regionally, I still didn't even think that I would be able to hang on a national level. As shows went on I started thinking that hey, maybe I could be a Ms. Olympia. I don't know. Obviously I kept going but my life outside of bb evolved. You are an idiot if you think that there isn't a HUGE difference between competing regionally, to nationally, to pro. I noticed a serious difference between national and pro. Somewhere along the way I lost my Ms. Olympia dream. Still.. under it all, I want both a Ms. I and Ms. O. Now that I don't have anything it may be the time to go after it. For the first time I would be prepping and competing really 'raw'. As cost effectively as possible, no training partner, no 'team'... I don't even really have gym clothes right now. LOL Gone are the days of owning the gym I train in, spending what I want on food, grabbing my supplements out of my pro shop, my own step mill in my living room. When you go through a process of losing everything you love you realize that you aren't as important or cool as you may have thought and the junk that defined you definitely wasn't important. Now the girl that couldn't have imagined traveling and not staying in full service resort has no problem clipping coupons.
So to compete in what? Obviously being a trainer/consultant to other competitors I have to ask myself what would I tell me to do? Pick what will make me happiest and most successful. ;)

Back in Nov. after not training for a year and a half I was around Alina Popa and felt tiny. Last night watching the awards on line I thought Alina didn't look all the big in stature. Yaxeni and I have always been more comparable. When I bombed at the Olympia in 08 I was walking next to Yaxeni after the show and remember feeling pretty small. That proved just how horrible I did prep for that show.. if you want to call what I did a prep. I was smaller and soft.. a little stringy. I cant stress enough that a bb can look great or even phenomenal alone but you put that same person next to the competition and that's when you really know just how good they are. My delusional dumb ass thought I looked alright but once I stood next to the other top woman I obviously was not on par that year. I laugh a bit when people get so excited about a bb at their gym or someone that just turns pro about how they are going to go in and destroy the competition. Its just ignorant perception. I'm not saying don't get excited and supportive though. Bodybuilders egos are fragile.. handle with care. Don't fill them with bullshit unless you know what the fuck you are talking about. A trained eye is someone that has been around the shows long enough to not only know the physiques but also how judging runs. Ive been around and still can be off. I also don't always like what the judges have liked for however many shows in a row. Plenty of people thought Debbie should've won last night and I strongly disagree. I just don't care for her structure on stage. Off stage.. I think she looks awesome. I don't care how inshape someone is.. doesn't mean you have the shape and structure.

In 05 I went into the USA believing I had a chance going home pro. My hair and face looked like shit but my body was good enough. I did win.. the heavies and then lost the overall to Miss Dunbar the middle weight. Yeah, it could've gone either way but it wasn't like I was losing to someone like Angie Salvangno (who actually seriously thought and blogged about how she shouldve beat me in 06 cause she was the better package.. baaahhaaa!!! Come on now? I have yet to see her win a pro show or compete on a big stage.) Amanda deserved her win. I can honestly say I prefer her physique in many ways. Maybe that had something to do with my anger over losing to her. I came back the next year and wrapped it up with another win and a pro card. The following year, I won my first pro show and 2 weeks later I was 3rd to Iris and Yaxeni at my first Arnold. I was happy. From there the expectations went crazy. I was hyped as the next Ms. O. When you are being pulled out and compared with 2 Ms. Olympias its kinda easier to see how that could be a possibility. Hmm.. maybe there is something to this hype? My 07 Olympia fell short however. I was off and not what I had been at the International. I was expected to be better and I was worse I was disappointed to fall to 5th but still pretty happy. What happens though, when you are expected to do better and the people around you know you can.. more disappointment and guilt. Yeah, if say I wouldn't have done so well at the first 2 and went into my first Olympia to place 5th it wouldve been almost impressive, maybe. Look at some of the other new pros and their first Olympias and Internationals. This was not the case however. I was exhausted and I felt a strong sense of letting people down.. which would only get worse the next year. At the beginning of 08 we bought a gym so it was a good thing for me to set the 08 Arnold out. I needed the break but didn't get much of one taking on a struggling business. I dove into it and immersed myself day and night, not training, determined to keep the place going. That we did. But it was only months till Olympia prep and I HAD to live up to the hype this time. I started prepping my earliest ever at 15 weeks. By 7 weeks we thought I was going to be dead on. I was looking that good. The hype was huge cause I had had a whole year to prep. I was expected to be my best yet. I sabotaged myself. I was again exhausted this time with little help at work and feeling guilty about not being able to do it all. I had 2 seriously full time jobs going and began failing at both. I was using pills to go and pills to relax. The one person (my husband) I wanted to impress and make happy the most was the most disappointed and unhappy. Most of the time I thought about how happy it would make him if I did well. I sought his approval most of all.. after all we were partners in this. I of course failed miserably at that 08 Olympia. I embarrassingly pulled it off. Mistakes are ok if you learn from them and correct them so that I did. I put in for the Arnold and came back. 09 was much, much better. I hired (conned and begged) my dear friend to help me at work and manage the store so I could focus. This was a huge help.. after all I came back very strong. Everything seemed to be going just right but somewhere I got a little lost again and got a little too cocky. I had a false sense of what was important. I knew I was being one dimensional but didn't know how to correct it. Injuries started and I was unhappy in other areas. I missed my family and the less stressful, not so public life that I had before. I wanted it all but didn't know how to have it all. Maybe you yourself have experienced getting something.. say a car that is nice but 2 years go by and you find yourself making a little more money, thinking a little more highly of your importance and place in society soooo you want a nicer car. Ok so maybe its only me. LOL Its our nature to want more and better. As woman there is a societal expectation on us to do everything smart, effective, graceful, and with minimal fuck ups, all looking drop dead beautiful. As things quickly unraveled in my life the pain was so bad I wanted to blame anything and everything. Bodybuilding took the brunt of my anger.
You can only control yourself. Others are on their own and you definitely may not like what they are doing.. its up to you to cope. My devastation that everything I loved and worked for was being taken was way too painful to take without numbing myself. I wanted everyone to love me sooo much, especially my husband. I thought I could manipulate it, control it, do it all, but it only stressed me out. Sober hindsight I realize clearly I never shouldve had to seek any ones love. Your family and friends are through thick and thin, better or worse.. right? I was becoming notorious for hitting burn out, quickly. I was never an athlete, or much of a competitor previously and what I did do I most always won or succeed at easily. I couldn't see the forest through the trees and I was confused. People had always loved me cause I was so real. Respect and popularity also came easy for me. It seemed to be turning on me. And the fuckers that didn't/don't like me or what I was doing.. who cares.. really???
I was sure of one thing.. competing was done and I didn't care.
Damn.. that got sad quick. LOL But now I have came full circle with it. I 'get it' and do things that only serve a purpose for me and others. If all the hurtful, horrible shit wouldn't have happened I may still be a one dimensional bitch. ;) I know who I am again. I found that 25 year old girl that started this way back at 21. I am thrilled that I have heard from so many people that also 'get' me. If letting you in on some of my personal shit can help, that's very cool.
Ok so more about how awesome I was.. and am..

Stature is something you cant truly understand until you see some of these people in person. Branch Warren looks huge on stage but to see him in person he looks.. dare I say 'normal'. Well he is wide but short. I have a presence about me that seems large and/or animated. I can see that. I will never forget once when I was in Mexico we were passing a family and I was wearing a swimsuit.. this little boy asked his dad if I was a real person. Amusing. I remember seeing pros, back when I was not yet like Yaxeni, Betty Viana, Cathy LeFrancois, and they did appear super human. These are bodies that definitely defy anything you are use to seeing. Yes, pictures and video are impressive but when you see them in person it just doesn't compare. I still get asked if I work out or bodybuild because of my genetic stature and structure. I was doing legs a few weeks ago and a guy approached me to congratulate me on the excellent work I have done on such an impressive physique. I smiled and giggled a little inside. Because my look is so 'loud' and I have a personality to match, Ive been a little self conscious over the years. Ironically though, the most at shows and industry events. I always felt like I had to embody perfection. Perfection on stage and perfection off. That could drive anyone a little insane. I always fell short anyhow. Off stage I thought I had to look like the other pros in off season which is stupid cause I am ME. Now I don't care.. really I don't care. I am living to be happy and have fun. If being happy and having fun involves competing then I am going to keep going. My glass is no longer always half empty. Its always half full and I would like to see the difference in prepping now. Most of all.. just taking time to enjoy it again. I will definitely do things differently. :)

This picture totally demonstrates a look I would've stared at being an on looker!

Thank you for your support! I will not compete again just cause fans say they miss seeing me but a little because I miss seeing them. Awwww.. that was cheesy cute. LOL I cant always disregard the criticism 100% but I definitely know how to deal with it.. better.

Arnold weekend

So I am writing this on phone cause I managed to kill my new computer! Grrr! I just really wanted to say.. I'm actually really sad to not only be there but mostly.. Not be on stage.:( I gotta tell ya, I don't know how to not be a bodybuilder! It's instinctive or something. Part of me really thought I was done and the other part is sad about it. I really still feel physique is a better solution for me. Looking at call outs today my competive nature is really coming out. Lol FBB is not going anywhere for now.. There's still too many good woman competing. No surprise that Yaxeni will win.. I hope. I'm kinda assuming Debbie's second. Could be wrong be wrong.. Hope not.
Next year baby!!!

Miss Dunbar.. Inquiring minds want to know! :)