Ureka moment..

Ah ha.. whatever you want to call it. I am so tired but again.. I cant sleep. You know when your head wont shut down? Ive said how after taking a step away from the bb world Ive had a chance to look in from the outside. I have so many realizations this way that I wish I would've had while I was still on the inside. LOL Better late then never. I find now I can be more honest and open with myself and everyone else.
Ive always had a hard time pin pointing all the little, or big reasons I struggled with being a professional bb. One of my bigger ones wast my internal struggle with being 'big'. Even when I was 'normal' sized my stature (there's that word again) was big. I never looked what I weighed. I was at a county fair (cause that is what we do in corn country) when I was 15 and I stopped to get my weight guessed.. yeah, its a game. Ha! The dude guessed me at 110 and I was 128. I guess it had something to do with my all corn diet.. I don't know, just what I've heard. Oh shit.. I amuse myself. So you take a girl that is built like a 'shit brick house'... whatever the fuck that is.. give her some weights to play with, a lot of food, some good supplementation and taaa daaa! Ya get an even bigger shit brick house.
I was talking to someone about how easy it is for me to put on muscle and how they don't have such an easy time with it and how I'm so lucky.. blah, blah, blah. A conversation I have had dozens of times over the years, when I realized I have never really embraced or felt grateful for this and I am a bb??? How odd right? What bb doesn't want to easily be able to put on muscle and keep it? Me. Is it cause the grass is always greener? I do know that right then I could almost articulate my feelings toward it.. or try to at least. I have always felt, for YEARS now that being big = bad. Not in society as much as I have in my own industry! That's right, the industry that I compete as a bb. For years as an armature I was 'too big'. People said, oh they didn't know how to judge you cause you looked too much like a pro. Well for me being criticized for being too big made me feel inadequate to my much smaller counter parts.. figure, fitness. After all they were the ones getting the attention for being so glamorous and pretty. The fbb were the ugly stepsisters. Labeled that only weirdos or 'shmoes' like us cause we are so big and manly. I am here to tell you that is def not the case. Well, there are weirdos.. lets not bullshit but they are everywhere. Even on the male side! Or should I say especially on the male side? A lot of woman do not like mbb cause they are 'gross'. Not my word. I saw a mug shot of the guy that was put away for stalking Madonna and that guy was a stereotypical 'weirdo'. I'm pretty sure he didn't want to lick her muscles.
As its been brought to attention a million times over the years since the earlier 90s that the fbb have not always gotten a lot of love from our own industry. I personally always felt a sense of not being as accepted.. again, in my own industry, as these smaller woman wearing heels. I essentially got a complex. I resented different things on many different levels. Most of all I just wanted to be able to embrace and love my genetic body for what it was but it never seemed to work that way. I thought I had picked the right forum in which to do it.
My body shape is VERY curvy. This could be a reason that it works well on stage. I am not the athletic square angular shape. If you've seen me in person, less muscular, you know what I mean. No doubt I'm a woman. I also happen to be introduced to the sport when Cory was still around. Most of the woman competing now don't even know that at one time figure didn't even exist and bb ruled the stage. And still does.;) The turn over is very high too. Competitors come and go. Most of them figure and now bikini. They want to try something new for a bit and tire of it. These are woman that weren't around to see the evolution of the sport. That fbb is what pioneered all of this! I know for a fact that many woman don't want to bb cause it is tougher and more responsibility.. and they most likely wont do as well in it to get that pro card. I did not say all. I know I have often wanted to be the normal girl but then again.. normal is boring. Ive even wanted to be the figure or bikini girl.. then I realize how unique I am and I'm fine where I am at. The times I want to change the way I look is in times that I want to blend in.

Not everyone loves a big curvy muscle chic and that is ok. I know I get so corny excited about this stuff but I am so happy that I am finally to this point of acceptance that I beam! Its liberating and freeing!!! Nice to let go of shit that is holding your soul down like a weight. Ahhhhhhh... :)))

Now I am tired.. sweet!