Goodbye 2011.. Thank God ;) I had a great morning in the gym despite the hip pain. I did back and hams so I surely re-inflamed it but I cant not train. I didn't do deads though... compromise. I love being in the gym again. Enjoying it! I am just at peace lifting. I am still self conscious but I overcome it everyday and I feel better for it. Yes, my insecurities even follow me to the gym.
I was given some inspirational cards that I carry in my purse that I thought I would share today. Good stuff to think about for starting a new year. Hope you like them too. I need the reminders when I feel myself getting stuck. Its so easy for me to forget the simplest things that make the biggest difference in my life if I act on em and change my state.
"The ways I give and receive love.. may not be loving at all."- Until today, you may not have realized that love is simple. You make love hard with your trappings, expectations, and demands.
Just for today, give consideration to your beliefs about love. Are you really being loved, loving, and lovable?
"There are times when the right road takes a wrong turn.. and its OK."- Until today, you may have realized that its not loving to remain in situations that aren't working for you, hoping they'll get better.
Just for today, realize that when you've done all you can do, there's simply no more you can do, and its not healthy or productive to try.
"I cannot hide what I think, what I feel, or who I am."- Until today, you may have made excuses for not being fully present in your loving relationships.
Just for today, be devoted to being fully present in all of your relationships. Share the truth about your thoughts and feelings. Share the truth about yourself!
"I accept that things are the way they need to be."- Until today, you may have held perfection as the standard that you needed to live up to or achieve.
Just for today, accept that you are perfect just the way you are. :)
Please everyone be safe tonight! I'm staying in and doing yoga. LOL Its funny cause I really am. Then a hot bath.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday
Yeah.. that's the best topic I could come up with. lol I don't really have much for ya today.. My legs are super sore, my hips are killen and Im exhausted. I just wrote about not taking things personal in my last post but I'm guilty. Somethings just initially sting and hurt too much not to take personal. It does pass and you remember its not you so keep movin. I guess the shit that does stick and hurt the worst is when its something that effects your own self esteem cause its something you are already self conscious about. Yeah! That stuff sucks to sort out.
I haven't been sleeping much and that, like bad food makes me a bear! A bit of a combo. Holidays have just been tough for me period. I am sooooo ready for summer and heat but there are 2-3 more freezing ass months left. So yay, holidays are over but more snow. :( Watched the Adjustment Bureau in the middle of the night... weird stuff. I thought I was the only one that thought about crazy shit like that being possible. lol Gave me chills.
I did get a New Years resolution today. :) Be more concerned with being interested than interesting.(As I sit here and write a blog all about ME) I do have a tendency to be a little shy and I hate feeling like I'm digging into others business so this may be a challenge for me but I'm going to make the effort!
Off to the gym... Happy Training!
I haven't been sleeping much and that, like bad food makes me a bear! A bit of a combo. Holidays have just been tough for me period. I am sooooo ready for summer and heat but there are 2-3 more freezing ass months left. So yay, holidays are over but more snow. :( Watched the Adjustment Bureau in the middle of the night... weird stuff. I thought I was the only one that thought about crazy shit like that being possible. lol Gave me chills.
I did get a New Years resolution today. :) Be more concerned with being interested than interesting.(As I sit here and write a blog all about ME) I do have a tendency to be a little shy and I hate feeling like I'm digging into others business so this may be a challenge for me but I'm going to make the effort!
Off to the gym... Happy Training!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Mistakes
Today I am thinking about my mistakes. Heavy huh? ;) When you are in your meantime you ponder A LOT. When I was in my early 20s I still had no regrets. How things change. New Years is around the corner and its that time again for the resolutions. Yuck.. I know. I can resolve to stop making mistakes but how realistic is that? Not so much. Pretty vague so I do resolve daily to be more mindful of every action, thought, and word that comes out of my mouth. I have a group class on Mondays so I end up thinking a lot and analysing shit to death. I have made peace with many mistakes and things I cannot change for the most part but I think that we always carry the thoughts with us of just knowing that they were made and what if something was done differently. Good ol 'what ifs'.. and cousins.. coulda and shoulda. Guilt and shame. I swore off the two months ago but they creep in. One of my biggest coping skills is to stop and really think out what my possible actions could do and the consequences of. Still, there are many factors that can play into making a mistake, many out of our control. I still wonder if my emotions are completely in my control. Damn! So worry, stress, anxiety comes in and what can we really do about that mess? Ask if it is something in our control and if its not.. worry and stress is eating our energy and life force for nothin.
OMG.. all these emotions are exhausting. No wonder it gets easy to 'check out' and figure out ways to band aid the emotions and internal chaos. Yeah, this is when I say.. if only I knew then what I know now. This is learning from mistakes.. AND not repeating the insanity. People do what they think works. THINK works.. doesn't mean it does but if they are getting some sort of pay off from their behavior then it obviously must be working, right? What we think is working for us is usually a quick fix or instant gratification to only become a bigger problem later. Like the cookies I ate earlier cause I was feeling a little sad? Now I'm just sadder cause the same thing is weighing on my mind and I have a tummy ache on top of it. This scenario has been played out too often for me and probably you on some similar level. I do know now though that this bullshit does not serve me for any benefit other than more misery.
One of my biggest life mistakes was ever trying the chemical band aids for stuff normal people just deal with. I have been guilty of blaming bodybuilding of 'making' me behave in a negative way but I think that is actually unfair to say, although I do think there are some circumstances that can take blame.. its all debatable. There are people out there that do this sanely... I think. ;) Ironically, I would kill myself in the gym but other than that I would do anything to avoid pain. Once I got a taste of what pain killers, benzos, alcohol, could do to cover up a little(or not so little) problem it continued to be the tune I would play off and on for years. It became super helpful going through divorce cause I didn't want anyone to see how much pain I was in. It was a double edged sword. I was drowning in shame everywhere. Much of the shame cause of others actions that I couldn't do shit about but treat myself worse! Yeah, illogical and crazy! I was either sober and so miserable to be around due to sadness or fucked up and miserable to be around cause I was out of control. I thought that is was better to be fake happy cause I didn't want anyone to think that divorce was getting the best of me or hurting me THAT bad. We've all known someone that is going through something so heartbreaking that they have that far away look in their eye and you don't really know what to say or do around them. You probably even feel uncomfortable around them. No one wants to be around Debbie Downer. I thought the pressure was on for me just be 'fixed'. My friends were first tired of me being so depressed then of my crazy benders. I didn't want to even be around anyone unless I could be fake happy and fucked up. I ended isolating a lot and that is a huge no no. So yeah.. once I saw what an easy quick fix(for the moment) it was it made sense in my extreme way of thinking to use it to my advantage. My behaviors definitely had payoffs that seemed to work for me. Even my temper tantrums. Part of the challenge of bodybuilding is learning to manipulate everything to your advantage. So there I was with a doctorate in manipulation cause I was a bodybuilder AND an addict but I didn't use it for the greater good of anyone but me for the most part. A mixture of female, extremely passionate, wild, addictive personality, easily stressed and excitable, spoiled and entitled.. you got an explosive recipe. I regret how I have hurt others with my selfishness and ignorance. Bodybuilders in general are very extreme, selfish people. We don't tend to think in the grey.. its black or white. Moderation was never one of my strong suits. I practiced excess... in everything! I'm learning moderation at 34 years old. Sex is only thing I can think of that should have nothing to do with moderation. Can you imagine.. Yes, only have moderate amounts of sex. Too much is just.. unhealthy. WTF?
As much as I would love to change a few of my fuck ups I gotta wonder if that would be wise. Everything does happen for a reason. Let it play out long enough and you will find out why. May just be confusing or even painful in the meantime.
OMG.. all these emotions are exhausting. No wonder it gets easy to 'check out' and figure out ways to band aid the emotions and internal chaos. Yeah, this is when I say.. if only I knew then what I know now. This is learning from mistakes.. AND not repeating the insanity. People do what they think works. THINK works.. doesn't mean it does but if they are getting some sort of pay off from their behavior then it obviously must be working, right? What we think is working for us is usually a quick fix or instant gratification to only become a bigger problem later. Like the cookies I ate earlier cause I was feeling a little sad? Now I'm just sadder cause the same thing is weighing on my mind and I have a tummy ache on top of it. This scenario has been played out too often for me and probably you on some similar level. I do know now though that this bullshit does not serve me for any benefit other than more misery.
One of my biggest life mistakes was ever trying the chemical band aids for stuff normal people just deal with. I have been guilty of blaming bodybuilding of 'making' me behave in a negative way but I think that is actually unfair to say, although I do think there are some circumstances that can take blame.. its all debatable. There are people out there that do this sanely... I think. ;) Ironically, I would kill myself in the gym but other than that I would do anything to avoid pain. Once I got a taste of what pain killers, benzos, alcohol, could do to cover up a little(or not so little) problem it continued to be the tune I would play off and on for years. It became super helpful going through divorce cause I didn't want anyone to see how much pain I was in. It was a double edged sword. I was drowning in shame everywhere. Much of the shame cause of others actions that I couldn't do shit about but treat myself worse! Yeah, illogical and crazy! I was either sober and so miserable to be around due to sadness or fucked up and miserable to be around cause I was out of control. I thought that is was better to be fake happy cause I didn't want anyone to think that divorce was getting the best of me or hurting me THAT bad. We've all known someone that is going through something so heartbreaking that they have that far away look in their eye and you don't really know what to say or do around them. You probably even feel uncomfortable around them. No one wants to be around Debbie Downer. I thought the pressure was on for me just be 'fixed'. My friends were first tired of me being so depressed then of my crazy benders. I didn't want to even be around anyone unless I could be fake happy and fucked up. I ended isolating a lot and that is a huge no no. So yeah.. once I saw what an easy quick fix(for the moment) it was it made sense in my extreme way of thinking to use it to my advantage. My behaviors definitely had payoffs that seemed to work for me. Even my temper tantrums. Part of the challenge of bodybuilding is learning to manipulate everything to your advantage. So there I was with a doctorate in manipulation cause I was a bodybuilder AND an addict but I didn't use it for the greater good of anyone but me for the most part. A mixture of female, extremely passionate, wild, addictive personality, easily stressed and excitable, spoiled and entitled.. you got an explosive recipe. I regret how I have hurt others with my selfishness and ignorance. Bodybuilders in general are very extreme, selfish people. We don't tend to think in the grey.. its black or white. Moderation was never one of my strong suits. I practiced excess... in everything! I'm learning moderation at 34 years old. Sex is only thing I can think of that should have nothing to do with moderation. Can you imagine.. Yes, only have moderate amounts of sex. Too much is just.. unhealthy. WTF?
As much as I would love to change a few of my fuck ups I gotta wonder if that would be wise. Everything does happen for a reason. Let it play out long enough and you will find out why. May just be confusing or even painful in the meantime.
Monday, December 26, 2011
The morning after..
Holiday feasting... OMG! I am not use to eating insane amounts and the sugar! So bad! I cant handle food like I use to AT ALL. Too much food is just a really, really bad thing. It has a very negative impact on my mood. I can look back know and see all the things that really changed my personality and food is definitely one of them. For me I don't feel like doing anything, I get crabby and short tempered. Then the insane tummy aches, bloating/gas, bigger/rounder belly. YUCK. Of course too little wasn't a good situation either. ;)
Nothing taste as good as being fit feels. LOL.. seriously though. ;) Needless to say I had spinach salad for dinner tonight.
Christmas was very nice and sober.. I remember it. ;) I hung with friends Saturday night.. over ate, woke up and over ate way more Sunday. As I'm watching Jaime Lee selling Activia for the holiday tummy ache.. super, Ill get right on that. Food has always been another way of coping for me.. eating and shopping. Balance is a beautiful thing. I have gotten pretty skilled in being aware and knowing my boundaries. There is NO band aid big or bad enough to fix the real problem. And ripping it off hurts like a mother fucker.
I was in the gym to do back and hams on Saturday morning and tweaked my hips enough to put me in icky pain. I have felt so good for months that I took the nooooo aches and pain for granted thinking I was invincible again or something. I couldn't even hang on the stepmill today cause my hips are so jacked. I have serious scar tissue in my hips and low back. When it gets aggravated it gets very frustrating. I did manage to train chest earlier so not a total loss today.
The pain didn't stop me from being a little cocky while I was watching people lifting today. It takes me half the time to make the same progress of other people. hehehe...
Thank you for the feedback! Very cool and I appreciate it. Keep it comin..
Nothing taste as good as being fit feels. LOL.. seriously though. ;) Needless to say I had spinach salad for dinner tonight.
Christmas was very nice and sober.. I remember it. ;) I hung with friends Saturday night.. over ate, woke up and over ate way more Sunday. As I'm watching Jaime Lee selling Activia for the holiday tummy ache.. super, Ill get right on that. Food has always been another way of coping for me.. eating and shopping. Balance is a beautiful thing. I have gotten pretty skilled in being aware and knowing my boundaries. There is NO band aid big or bad enough to fix the real problem. And ripping it off hurts like a mother fucker.
I was in the gym to do back and hams on Saturday morning and tweaked my hips enough to put me in icky pain. I have felt so good for months that I took the nooooo aches and pain for granted thinking I was invincible again or something. I couldn't even hang on the stepmill today cause my hips are so jacked. I have serious scar tissue in my hips and low back. When it gets aggravated it gets very frustrating. I did manage to train chest earlier so not a total loss today.
The pain didn't stop me from being a little cocky while I was watching people lifting today. It takes me half the time to make the same progress of other people. hehehe...
Thank you for the feedback! Very cool and I appreciate it. Keep it comin..
Friday, December 23, 2011
New blog..
Hey peeps.. Ive been asked to start a new blog by a lot of people AND I thought it may be fun, soooo I threw something together. I called it In the Meantime cause that is kinda where I am right now... my meantime. My site is a little old of course and I don't want to start anything new till I have new stuff to start. Now, I have said that I am retired from competitive bodybuilding. True. I am entertaining coming back to do Physique. It is a little more my idea of bb anyhow and I don't know if I'm really ready to hang it up for good. I may have some unfinished business. I don't honestly know if I can really DO it but it may be fun trying. Key word FUN. :) Healthy is another key. I cant let my life go in the opposite direction EVER again. As some of you know I have battled addiction for a long time, especially since 2010. I have been clean for almost a year. There has to be a reason that I came out of it alive so if I can do some good with my own personal experience I really want to. I can be pretty shy (yes, me) and feel sometimes that I don't have anything to contribute but in actuality this cant be true. We all have something to contribute. If I can possibly inspire or help just one or two other people out there.. its worth the honest effort. I know I felt terribly alone going through my trials and still do plenty of the time. God knows I have been blessed with some very kind and patient people that have helped me along the way.
I like to be as honest and open as possible. Bullshit and denial got me no where but in trouble. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. Especially with yourself. I have learned however that most of us do not know how to do this. Even when we think we are doing it, we're not. Its not my character to hold back but I do know the importance of picking and choosing my battles. Some things are just not worth it. I want to be open and hope as you read you hold an open mind and heart. It is great for me to come out and admit to so much. Keeping skeletons can be painful and a huge burden. As open as I want to be I do have a few things that can and will remain private.
I did go through a very difficult divorce that left me upside down and broken. I made matters worse trying to numb out every negative, painful feeling that I had in the process. If I did know at the time that this was only going to make things worse I sure as hell did not care. I was living for the moment and the moment was earth shattering shit that I did not want to feel or deal with. I did not care if or when I woke up for months. I felt shame in feeling the emotions I was having (anger, fear, sorrow, loneliness) to actually heal and then shame in all the abuse of using so I just kept up a vicious cycle of numbness.. and destruction. Chaos and self sabotage were no strangers to my life anyhow. I had for so long been labeled "the bad girl" so I figured it would be an easy reputation to keep going. Who cared? I sure didn't. Talk about selfish! I figured I am the one in all the pain here so what does what anyone else what matter? I was the definition of "sick in the head".. seriously! I couldn't see that but I knew I had a problem with substance. When you are sick with selfishness (among other shit) you have very large blinders on! Everyone else was exhausted from trying to keep up with me. I was so far in that I could barely keep up with myself, till it hit... my bottom which was a horrible wreck that everyone walked away from. Thank God!
If you are interested in a fresh, real perspective on life in general stay tuned. I will promise to talk about a little bit of everything and keepin it real. As my inner strength comes out more I get gutsier. I have never been good at holding back much anyhow. :) You don't have to agree with me or buy into everything I say but just maybe it will make you see some things in a different light. I am so grateful for all I have experienced going through all this stuff. Cliche but true.. I am much better and happier for it. I am a much more compassionate, empathetic, forgiving, and patient person. That is success in itself considering how badly I was lacking in those categories.
I would love to hear from you with suggestions or comments. I REALLY appreciate the support and positive feedback!
msheatherarmbrust@live.com
I like to be as honest and open as possible. Bullshit and denial got me no where but in trouble. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. Especially with yourself. I have learned however that most of us do not know how to do this. Even when we think we are doing it, we're not. Its not my character to hold back but I do know the importance of picking and choosing my battles. Some things are just not worth it. I want to be open and hope as you read you hold an open mind and heart. It is great for me to come out and admit to so much. Keeping skeletons can be painful and a huge burden. As open as I want to be I do have a few things that can and will remain private.
I did go through a very difficult divorce that left me upside down and broken. I made matters worse trying to numb out every negative, painful feeling that I had in the process. If I did know at the time that this was only going to make things worse I sure as hell did not care. I was living for the moment and the moment was earth shattering shit that I did not want to feel or deal with. I did not care if or when I woke up for months. I felt shame in feeling the emotions I was having (anger, fear, sorrow, loneliness) to actually heal and then shame in all the abuse of using so I just kept up a vicious cycle of numbness.. and destruction. Chaos and self sabotage were no strangers to my life anyhow. I had for so long been labeled "the bad girl" so I figured it would be an easy reputation to keep going. Who cared? I sure didn't. Talk about selfish! I figured I am the one in all the pain here so what does what anyone else what matter? I was the definition of "sick in the head".. seriously! I couldn't see that but I knew I had a problem with substance. When you are sick with selfishness (among other shit) you have very large blinders on! Everyone else was exhausted from trying to keep up with me. I was so far in that I could barely keep up with myself, till it hit... my bottom which was a horrible wreck that everyone walked away from. Thank God!
If you are interested in a fresh, real perspective on life in general stay tuned. I will promise to talk about a little bit of everything and keepin it real. As my inner strength comes out more I get gutsier. I have never been good at holding back much anyhow. :) You don't have to agree with me or buy into everything I say but just maybe it will make you see some things in a different light. I am so grateful for all I have experienced going through all this stuff. Cliche but true.. I am much better and happier for it. I am a much more compassionate, empathetic, forgiving, and patient person. That is success in itself considering how badly I was lacking in those categories.
I would love to hear from you with suggestions or comments. I REALLY appreciate the support and positive feedback!
msheatherarmbrust@live.com
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