New blog..

Hey peeps.. Ive been asked to start a new blog by a lot of people AND I thought it may be fun, soooo I threw something together. I called it In the Meantime cause that is kinda where I am right now... my meantime. My site is a little old of course and I don't want to start anything new till I have new stuff to start. Now, I have said that I am retired from competitive bodybuilding. True. I am entertaining coming back to do Physique. It is a little more my idea of bb anyhow and I don't know if I'm really ready to hang it up for good. I may have some unfinished business. I don't honestly know if I can really DO it but it may be fun trying. Key word FUN. :) Healthy is another key. I cant let my life go in the opposite direction EVER again. As some of you know I have battled addiction for a long time, especially since 2010. I have been clean for almost a year. There has to be a reason that I came out of it alive so if I can do some good with my own personal experience I really want to. I can be pretty shy (yes, me) and feel sometimes that I don't have anything to contribute but in actuality this cant be true. We all have something to contribute. If I can possibly inspire or help just one or two other people out there.. its worth the honest effort. I know I felt terribly alone going through my trials and still do plenty of the time. God knows I have been blessed with some very kind and patient people that have helped me along the way.

I like to be as honest and open as possible. Bullshit and denial got me no where but in trouble. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy. Especially with yourself. I have learned however that most of us do not know how to do this. Even when we think we are doing it, we're not. Its not my character to hold back but I do know the importance of picking and choosing my battles. Some things are just not worth it. I want to be open and hope as you read you hold an open mind and heart. It is great for me to come out and admit to so much. Keeping skeletons can be painful and a huge burden. As open as I want to be I do have a few things that can and will remain private.

I did go through a very difficult divorce that left me upside down and broken. I made matters worse trying to numb out every negative, painful feeling that I had in the process. If I did know at the time that this was only going to make things worse I sure as hell did not care. I was living for the moment and the moment was earth shattering shit that I did not want to feel or deal with. I did not care if or when I woke up for months. I felt shame in feeling the emotions I was having (anger, fear, sorrow, loneliness) to actually heal and then shame in all the abuse of using so I just kept up a vicious cycle of numbness.. and destruction. Chaos and self sabotage were no strangers to my life anyhow. I had for so long been labeled "the bad girl" so I figured it would be an easy reputation to keep going. Who cared? I sure didn't. Talk about selfish! I figured I am the one in all the pain here so what does what anyone else what matter? I was the definition of "sick in the head".. seriously! I couldn't see that but I knew I had a problem with substance. When you are sick with selfishness (among other shit) you have very large blinders on! Everyone else was exhausted from trying to keep up with me. I was so far in that I could barely keep up with myself, till it hit... my bottom which was a horrible wreck that everyone walked away from. Thank God!

If you are interested in a fresh, real perspective on life in general stay tuned. I will promise to talk about a little bit of everything and keepin it real. As my inner strength comes out more I get gutsier. I have never been good at holding back much anyhow. :) You don't have to agree with me or buy into everything I say but just maybe it will make you see some things in a different light. I am so grateful for all I have experienced going through all this stuff. Cliche but true.. I am much better and happier for it. I am a much more compassionate, empathetic, forgiving, and patient person. That is success in itself considering how badly I was lacking in those categories.
I would love to hear from you with suggestions or comments. I REALLY appreciate the support and positive feedback!
msheatherarmbrust@live.com