I want to say thank you today for your support and love. God bless you! :) I am so seriously blessed to be who I am. I've had a horrible week or so, but no matter how sad or how many tears I have shed in the past days, I am still grateful that I am ME. It took me 34 years to get how you MUST love yourself before you can love anyone else. You cannot give something you do not have to give. I have just re shifted my focus. I am still very aware of my down falls, but I focus on what makes me marvelous(love that word;) rather than unlovable. I was actually called arrogant the other day.. oh, and narcissistic a few before that! (Neither person actually knows me and both want to take me out!) I hate sugar coatings and appreciate constructive input/criticism.. but when its just straight out disrespect there is a difference. For my personal friends they will get a huge kick out of that cause they, of all people know just how arrogant I am not. I may possibly have some narcissistic characteristics.. I don't really know. For the second time in my life I am madly and passionately in love. She's a beautiful, funny, witty, charismatic, and loving woman.. that I am so proud to be.
I tweeted something the other day about how ironic it is that when I was so gloom and doom on myself everyone complained about that. Now that I have confidence with a real sense of self worth, and express it, people think I must just be arrogant! This truly makes me angry! I am a fucking addict you tools.. for you to put me down for finding myself and falling in love.. shame on you! Your negative conceptions of me say something about you. I can read you like a book cause you are giving yourself away in the worst way. But the weak love to pick on the strong since they know no other way to lift themselves up or get positive attention. Luckily, I don't have to tolerate it and I am strong enough to hit 'delete'. I will NOT tolerate any dysfunctional, passive aggressive mistreatment. These are my FEELINGS and they ARE valid. I still check myself and wonder if I am the one out of line by sticking up for myself, and that is frustrating. I will actually ask myself if I deserve to be defended, cause maybe they are better than me and know something I don't. I will be the first to admit my wrongs and say I am sorry if I am the guilty party.. but I will not be manipulated into saying I am wrong. I have found that even in writing about my trials of rolling in shit, I am still not always being understood, nor sympathized with.. not that I am looking for your pity.. that is not the point of this. I am realizing how lately, most people that have just begun reading have not gone back and read the beginning. This is my journey. I do know that without actually knowing me it may be a bit difficult to understand my blog and the shit I say. Especially if you only read one or two.. you may not be able to get a real thuro idea of my disposition. Plus, I cannot let you in on EVERYTHING and I am protecting some people involved. I walk a fine line. I preach humility but I am still too proud to reveil all. Some is just too painfully embarrassing. I know I am not the best writer so maybe something isn't resonating, or coming through. I tend to think its just insensitivity. I am having the courage to put myself out there to be criticized once again. Now I'm just strong enough to take it. I know now, without a doubt in my mind, that the majority of people will not be all that empathetic without walking in your shoes. It takes true adversity to build character and integrity. Be grateful for the adversity you face and the ones that don't understand it.. I promise, their time is coming and they will. Look at what a jerk I use to be? Stick to your guns, stand your ground, and hold your boundaries. If you stay consistent in your word, act on your word, and follow God's word.. people will have no choice than to respect you, and if they don't.. that is not on you. Let go! Just like me.. you ARE enough! No one else is needed to validate you once you love you.
Fact.. the number one human need is acceptance. We crave it above all so this driving desire can make our boundaries very fuzzy. When our boundaries are not clearly set, WE end up paying.. not the trespasser. There are thousands of people out there willing and waiting to victimize someone.. don't allow for them to set their sites on you. I have a girlfriend that use to tell me to stop giving my power away all the time. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. I tried to understand but I was either too drunk, high or angry to get it. Two years later, and the birth of clarity has made this all too obvious.. I don't know how I couldn't have understood. You are your power. Some of us just know how to utilize more than others. Fear can disempower. You have the power to do what is in your heart if you can let go of fear. Release your fear and keep your power. People will catch on and gravitate to your strength. I consciously 'try' to have positive power.. directing my strength for the greater good. Be mindful of your power.. for yourself and for others. Use it to make a positive difference for someone else. Be mindful of how using your power poorly may be harmful to yourself and others. Above all, NEVER underestimate your power. What may be nothing to you may mean the world to someone else if you act on it.. and this could be in a negative or positive way. Like giving someone that is hungry a sandwich, of which you have 5 and they have 0. Maybe you could care less if you use your time to go to a dinner party Friday night and there is a friend that could really use a shoulder at that moment. Missing the dinner party is nothing for you, but choosing time with the friend may mean everything to them. Choosing to do something that is not on your terms or for a reward is the most rewarding.
It has been a balancing act for me to take care of myself and still be there for others. I want to give of myself. I am genuinely a kind person that wants to be good. I really do care. I definitely do not want to hurt anyone and will avoid it at all cost. I always ask myself how I would want them to treat me in any given situation. Doesn't mean I always answer myself correctly. I have been questioning if I am ready to get into a relationship. I keep saying that if the right person comes of course, but I may be just talking. My loneliness can confuse. I miss having a playmate to share everything with. I would say losing that is by far more devastating than losing the money and material possessions. I can clearly see, and honestly admit that it will take a very special man that is able to display a level of selflessness to win my heart. How a person is willing to work to get you can foreshadow how they will work to keep you. Will they give up easily? Will they put their own wants and needs before you? Real love is selfless. Well, as selfless as one can be while still caring for themselves. ;) Once again.. balance. Achieving and maintaining balance is a skill that has to be learned and developed everyday. I like to believe that I will recognize this person when they come, and our lives will easily intertwine. I trust that God has my plan.. no matter how angry I get about my adversities. It is just up to me to keep my heart and mind open. If this means going through some toads that cant see just how lucky they are to have my attention and/or affections.. just lessons learned. I am not one to give my affection freely cause when I do, it really means something. If you find out that the hot person that you got into bed sleeps with everyone it doesn't make you feel so 'special' does it? Learn to say no so that your yes has more impact and oomph. I know.. it is hard to say no to sex with a hot person.
I had a recent 'situation' that made me very well aware of just how vunerable I really am. In the past, if my affection wouldn't have been reciprocated I would've lost my mind, but now I can at least handle it while I lose my mind and work through how I feel about it without thinking that the world is ending. Its ego flattering to have so many people adore you and want to get to know you. (However, its just annoying when they don't know how to go about it and do it in all the wrong ways.) Then one comes along that you would like to feel the way the dozens of others do and that is the one that does not.
I am very happy about the networking I am doing and how I am reaching so many people. I am sincerely enjoying it. I am having a lot of FUN and I am making new friends. I use to get so frustrated at all the mail I would get cause so much of it seemed silly and pointless, and now I appreciate even the crap that can drive me nuts to read. Yeah there is a lot of sorting through the weeds and pulling the bad ones. And as I have learned.. weeds will grow back and new ones will pop up if you don't maintain your soil. It is a full time job just trying to rebuild a life and very slow going, but I see the possibilities for my future all the time. Hopefully with a little luck I will meet someone that can share in my vision. I have my down moments, angry moments, and want to kill someone moments.. but I still appreciate every little thing at the same time.
I want to address my 'crazy girl' reputation. Something I do not appreciate. Its about time I take a stab at defending myself here. We all have a different perception of what craziness entails. I recently watched a documentary on psychopaths. People perceive them to be crazies, which they kinda are but they are so much more. Crazy can be harmless.. psychopaths are out for you for their own pay off.
I have been a wild child since forever. There have been times over the years that I have been known to be out of hand and out of touch.. wild. All the years I was being labeled as 'crazy' I realize now it was only cause I was so honest about my feelings and I just didn't always know how to express them. In general people don't know how to react to raw honesty anyhow. Someone open and honest must be crazy right? Since it is so normally sane to repress and deny. I suppose addicts can be seen as crazy also. I sure have thought addicts are fucking nuts. Truth is they aren't necessarily nuts or crazy, but their behaviors are. I was constantly trying to express myself while trying desperately to be PC. That alone made me feel crazy. Its that deal of trying to make everyone happy and not offend anyone. Deep down inside, I just wanted to do what I felt would make me happy.. but I was being told by people I loved and I thought loved me that I was doing things wrong. Hmmm.. so being me is wrong? Yeah, that's a recipe for a disastrous self esteem when you are receiving that kind of message. In the end, it would backfire and have the opposite effect by hurting me the worst while sparing others. I am a woman with conviction, emotion, opinions, ideas and a lot of energy. Not something that is tamable and I resented that people tried. I may be crazy but I am the most honest, loyal, and real crazy person you could ever meet. I am the best kind of crazy! If this is crazy, I don't want to be sane! I'm just sayin.. I was never really crazy, but maybe.. unhappy. The people doing the crazy calling were not in my shoes, nor even in my life. I gotta say though, there are some serious crazies in this industry! Holy shit! In no way do I compare!
If you find my writing is offensive or plain shitty, I am sorry that you feel that way.. I really am cause I think its pretty good despite over looking something now and then. I did not proof read cause I was just tired of looking at this screen and need a nappy. I am not going to conform or be anything that I am not. Take me for what you want.. or just don't read me. Love me or leave me. ;) I can take it. I will love you though and will try my best to be here for you.
I love Twitter since I started it last month. You can follow me @HeatherMPolicky
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