Back in Nov I needed a place asap. I am in a therapy class that I had just started at the time. My first class I walked in and expressed my sadness over my situation and horrible frustration with what was going on. A man seated across from me said he happen to have a roommate moving out Dec 1st and I was welcome to move it. Perfect! I was thrilled. I thought a roomie would be a good idea after being alone and lonely for so long. I had lost my best friend along with everything else I had worked for my whole life.. had spent days on end by myself for so long so maybe this would be cool. He seemed EXTREMELY genuine.. to have compassion and understanding for what I was going through and promised to be there for me as a friend while I was doing this rebuilding process. I never hid my weaknesses.. no sugar coating. We made quick friends and I was very happy. He was super supportive and kind.. and flirtatious. I made light of it and gave no indication that I would want to be more than friends. About two months ago things drastically changed. His behavior and attitude toward me did a 180. Even if I said I was going out with a friend he got weird. He decided he was not feeling so friendly anymore.. I am guessing because he saw that his 'support' wasn't getting him what he wanted.. me. He recently told me that he knew from the minute he saw me walk in. I was furious. I felt duped. I felt like he had tried to trick me into loving him cause now he is a different person completely. I suppose cause I did not return his affection other than platonicly. I liked and enjoyed this person very much.. my heart was broken. I guess, like some others he thought that since I was single for a while and had such a crippling divorce I would want to get into something to be moving on. Much of what I have posted has had something to do with this situation in my life right now. I am devastated that I opened up to someone that took advantage of my vulnerability. AGAIN
Truly, unconditionally loving someone means you are there for them no matter what! No questions. You do not do and give just so you can get!!! My parents have been that. You put your trust in someone like this.. what happens when shit really hits the fan? Then where will you be? We all need others especially to love and beloved. I am dumbfounded by the selfishness that I have encountered. People were angry when I was fucked up but now that I am clean and clear as ever they are still mad one way or another (not everyone). I can tell you the users don't like it when the person the they can manipulate and control puts their foot down. When I was jacked up I was just a delusional,wishy washy pain in the ass.. now I'm almost fearless and will stand up and advocate for myself any day. I never was one to get pushed around but now I definitely don't tolerate it cause I know what I have to do to take care of my own sanity. I am telling you.. you will never make everyone happy. Cliche and fucking true! This is why politicians are such a disaster. You can try because it is right to be a good, considerate person but there is a point that you cant endanger your own self. Know when to draw your line in the sand. Boundaries and priorities! This is so important for recovered addicts cause their reasons for using substances are to cope with pressures and things like pleasing everyone but themselves. You are not the asshole for not pleasing them in a situation where you are vulnerable or something you just don't want to do.. they are! Manipulative, self serving users are total dicks and don't deserve you. All you can do is discard em but if you are like me and backed into a bit of a corner you may have to pull out your coping tools and just bear it and wait out the storm. Lucky for me I am so unreal happy being substance free that I don't even get too down for too long or crave the numbness anymore. Long naps and ice cream is still a bit of a problem however.
My concern in my quest for falling madly in love again is that I will want to please him so much that I compromise myself. I am aware of this. I have thought possibility I should settle with someone that doesn't drive me wild so I am in the drivers seat but that is so unfair to that other person. I don't want to control anyone! I believe in mutual, equal love and affection. Its just very rare but if your willing to hold out for it.. it will come.
I love hearing from you and dig the feedback, but please, your advice is not really all that needed.
I got this. :)
I know I will, if I haven't already;), meet Prince Charming. I know I will never change who and what I am again. There is a man and many future friends that will love me for it with all my nuttiness, neurotic ideas, and vibrant colors. As I Tweeted a few days ago- I fall in love with myself more everyday.. flaws and all. This little place called Heathers may not be big or have much of a view, hell the location sucks but its all mine and I love it! This feeling inside, I cant explain but my love is alive and I'm never gonna hide it again.. quote the great Madonna ;)
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