Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Single in the meantime.. I gotta rant

5 years ago and 1 day, I married my best friend, soul mate, love of my life. Little did I know the man I wanted to be with FOREVER, and trusted with my life, would change so terribly. He is proof of how my beloved industry can fuck with your head and change you in bad, ugly ways. I was betrayed in so many ways, on so many levels by the one person I trusted with EVERYTHING. A year and a half after splitting and 3 failed reconciliations later(on his part) he becomes engaged to the client that he betrayed me with and still has everything we built together. I am single, living at a friends, and my career that I worked to have for so many years.. is gone. Ive seen my stepchildren that I helped raise twice in 2 years. When I say I have had the worst 2 years of my life, I am not kidding. Pure hell and devastation. Pain. There are NO words. I have been to rehab, jail, almost homeless, broke, and no one to understand. I have experienced lonely like you wouldn't believe.
I have found that everyone wants something for what they do for you.. there is always a catch. When I finally decided to start dating a few months back I had a great attitude about it. I was open. Now.. not so much. I have shut it down almost completely. The tactics that are used to 'get to know someone' are horrible. Texting for instance.. you cannot get to know anyone through texting! Unless you spend time, one on one.. its impossible. Guys have an advantage with me cause my life is an open book.. to an extent. You can get to know a lot about me if you arent too fucking lazy to look. Unfortunately most just fall in love with a image that is out there and not me. I am so much more than what is seen on the web.. that is where reading and effort comes in. I have put an extreme amount of time, effort, and love into myself and getting "well". Too many fucked up people that don't want to do anything to help themselves and its sickening. I have NO time or patience for words and talk. If I had a dollar for every line of shit or pathetic attempt to impress me.. I would be doing pretty good. ACTION is the only thing that will get my attention. Like I have said in my blog plenty of times before.. I am not desperate, and I am ok with being alone. I have proved that this material girl can live with virtually nothing and get by. I have always been extremely hard to impress but now more than ever. Yes, I am waiting for a knight on a white horse to WOW me. I am like no one else.. I can say that with all the confidence in the world. I know my worth and it is a fucking lot. I am pretty awesome. If you are going to get to know this girl.. selfishness, laziness, ulterior motives wont even get you to first base. I am an ideal 'trophy wife' for the guy that prefers muscle, other than the fact I have a brain and a mouth that I will use. I am NOT an option.. I am a priority.. to me anyhow. lol I havent been a priority to anyone in so long I cant remember what its like. Just that mutual respect and passion. I am waiting for someone incredible. I was swept off my feet once.. I know what to look for. If I see a guy putting his ego, wants, needs before simply making me happy.. I'm done. I will come first to someone. I have no time for egos and pride. Its flat out immature! I am a strong woman but I do know how to baby my man.. its up to him to get to that point with me. Behind every great man is an even greater woman. A man with the confidence and security to be with a woman like that is way sexy.
I know where I have been and I am not going to put myself back through that bullshit.. only moving forward. I have spent the last year learning how to deal and cope as an ex junkie/addict. I know what it takes to stay sane and sober.. I will not jeopardize myself for anyone who doesn't deserve me.

Am I happy in my meantime? Nope.. I'm not. I struggle everyday. Its a battle that I wish my knight would come and swoop me up from but I wont sacrifice myself for something mediocre or a big fucking headache. I do love me very, very much for the first time. I turn 35 in July. It would be awesome to have someone fantastic to celebrate with. Sure didn't think I would be celebrating 35 alone, single.
I respect myself. Ladies.. I ask for you to respect yourselves and demand respect in return. You get what you give and you attract what you are. If you don't love and respect yourself, you will attract garbage.
I believe we all have another half to make us whole. We are more powerful with someone that can complete us. I will keep the faith and keep hoping he comes along. Love, unconditional love can resolve pain.

On that note, I am sad I am saying good bye to my tattoo of my ex husbands name. Divorce is horrible. Try everything you can before opting for divorce. Just to avoid it.. not sure I will go down the isle again. Ive had people say that my baggage from my divorce is going to chase guys off but I am ok with that cause those guys are obviously not compassionate and that is not what I want. I have made peace with what happened but it still hurts like hell. Mr. Wonderful will want to understand where I have been cause he will LISTEN and want to.
Good news.. I am moving soon. Arizona and a new start. Time to go back to living by myself in my own bed!!!! Denver had a time and place in my life but it is DONE. I am so very excited!

And I was very impressed with what I did see of the NY Pro.. nice!


  1. Hi Heather, it sounds like you need a break. If you are ever in Florida, we can always put you up in Jacksonvillefor a few days or weeks. You could always chill out at the beach or St. Augustine.


  2. Heather - You have come a long way, with or without a marriage. You needed a lot of this time to grow as a strong, independent person and kick the bad habits that were associated with a lot of the bodybuilding lifestyle. You are finally becoming the woman the Lord wanted and this is all so new for you. Everyday is a struggle, but keep pushing forward and putting it all into perspective. As you know it can all be taken away tomorrow, but not just on this plane, but we could be GONE tomorrow. Physical life is sure not promised. Enjoy every second you have here, with or without any man or anyone by your side. I know it can get lonely sometimes, but that's why you have friends. You know you're always welcome here in FL!!! You have so much to look forward to very soon. Keep your chin up, move forward, learn from the past, and keep going! Sooooooooo much exciting ahead! :) You know my number! Call me if you need to chat! Amanda

  3. I understand and I deeply feel for you. I hope you will continue to heal and find a new mate and a new start. As for myself in September I will celebrate my 30th. wedding anniversary. I can truly say it has not been eaasy and it is still hard sometimes. I entered an "instant" family w/ my wife and her 2 girls then 4 & 2 years old. We lost one girl to brain cancer along the way and almost lost the other to drug addiction. I now have 2 great little grandsons of 7 & 5 yrs. Their Dad is gone due a drug overdose. I am Pop-Pop 24/7. I wish I was 30 years younger. To be honest I've always been a fan of FBB's and have amazon muscle women fantasies. But they are just that, fantasies only. I've been faithful and I beleive so has my wife.
    I wish you God's blessings and all the best!!
    Rod Miranne