What now Heather? ;)

Bars are a funny thing.. they are filled with people that are looking for something but who knows what cause they sure as hell don't. They are all hiding behind something. The liquor, drugs, over priced clothes and cologne, the over priced car in valet that they bought to impress everyone cause they are so fucking insecure about themselves. Don't get me wrong.. I love nice things but if you are just a shell with nice things you are nothing but an overrated, over priced douche bag. Not everyone but close. I love the lyrics..
So there's problems in your life
That's fucked up
And I'm not blind
You're just see-through faded
Over-rated
And out of your mind
I am the queen of hiding behind something.. my choice was drugs. I love drugs. That's my way to escape myself and any pain that may be surfacing or lingering. Shopping for shit I don't need is the other. Oh and we cant forget my food binges. Having to look at myself is horribly painful. Now that Ive had a good year of really looking at ME and every flaw exposed like a raw nerve I can unfortunately, see everyone elses bullshit all too clearly. I have nothing to lose by mentioning what I think.. so I do. Like Ive said.. I pick and choose my battles but sometimes when I am pushed to say something, I just gotta. Human beings by nature aren't very compassionate and very fucking selfish. I know that to stay away from the hard drugs that I love so much I MUST be very aware and conscious of my surroundings and the company I keep. People that aren't addicts (or should I say THINK they aren't addicts.. cause I know a fuck load in denial) don't comprehend that and don't really give a shit what is good or right for you cause they are too worried about what makes them happy.. but they sure as fuck care when you fall off and go get fucked up on a bender. They are the first people to be pissed off pointing their fingers about how bad you fucked up. Selfish fucks.. want it all their way don't they? ;) True love, unconditional love.. is selfless.. they the best of human ability. Hey, even I am guilty of wanting others to do or think my way. I think everyone should think like me. Or at least not be so unbelievably stupid. Now I know when to put my foot down and draw that line. Push me, I dare you. I am strong enough to say that and mean it. Don't take my tough talk for being a hard ass cause quite honestly I have humongous heart and have a whole lot of compassion and empathy. Even if I do say so myself. ;) I get hurt just as easy as a talk shit.. I'm just not afraid to talk that shit and then back it up. But, because of what I have been through, I'm not only 100% more compassionate and empathetic but also a way bigger, stronger tough ass. And you thought I was tough before. Shit.. silly you.

I had a nice lil vacation weekend but today was not so good.. I wanted to get loaded today so bad. True story. I was sad, lonely, angry as hell, and everything was looking pretty grim. I have never lived with anyone that I wasn't bangin till these past months. Yes, I said that. Its just not for me. I think if people are going to live together they have to have some or all the same pathways going on. Me and my roomie who is my oldest friend are def not going the same way. It can be stressful for me. I swallow it like a lump of shit cause it is my option for now.
I HATE having a good few days, week, whatever and then a shit storm. I saw this cute little saying on FB.. "may your life someday be as great as you make it sound on FB". I love that! If it really is as great as all of your post.. you are my idol.. liar! So I was throwing a bit of a pity party. I checked myself and did what I knew would make me feel better and make the urge pass. I danced, I cried, sang horribly (that alone would make you cry too), and cleaned. I swear if it wasn't for music and books I don't know how I couldve lived through many days. I have music on 24/7. From classic rock to club to country to rap. Like right now Im listening to Bryan Adams, Drake, Black Eyed Peas and Shinedown. Food, books, flowers, and music.. a few quick ways to my heart. Still wish I would've learned to be a DJ years ago. I would've been a killer club DJ. OoooI gotta recommend this cute lil boy group song called 'glad you came' by The Wanted. Its so fun!

The biggest realization I had today, and the most painful, is something Ive always kinda known but it really settled in today. I really don't have but a couple of people in my life to talk to. (This is where I must say please don't contact me saying, I can call you anytime to talk. The only people I talk to are people that have been in my life for some time to know what is going on. Briefing you would take weeks.) I also don't hold nearly as much in and I know when its not worth saying anymore. I stick up for myself.. always. Stifling who you are is only a recipe for disaster. Please be you no matter what. God gave you a voice.. use it! I have such a gigantic appreciation for all sorts of people from every walk of life. I may not like all of them but I give em love for being who they are. Its you phony fucks I cant stand! I know I'm a bad ass bitch cause I have balls.. and I am real as fuck! And I'm pretty funny and cute.
Don't be a pussy and let anyone bullshit you. Think for yourself! Someday it will be too late.. and you will be drawing your last breath with only a wish that you couldve known and taken action sooner. And, the worst part.. you will look around and none of those assholes telling you what to do and offering their stupid ass advice will be in sight. Look around now and ask yourself who will be. OR if you lost everything today.. who will be there tomorrow? I promise a few of them, if not a lot have got your dumb ass fooled. Humble yourself and you will find a level of peace that you never knew. I am still learning but letting go of some of that foolish pride is freeing like nothing else. There is a difference between being a bad ass and playing tough cause of your pride and being a bad ass cause you have had to eat humble pie and lived to know that you aint all that.

So I got my tattoo done. I had a friend in town to hold my hand cause it hurt like hell!!! I do a lot by myself but this was one thing I needed some support on. Ooooo my gosh!!!! I love needles and self mutilation but this made me rethink that love. The pain was pretty extreme on many levels. I laid back and put on my headphones listening to the song 'somebody I use to know'. Ive had great feedback on it but its a lot to get use to. I got a carp.. otherwise a Koi. I never in a million years would've thought I would put a Japanese fish on me but it has excellent meaning which I am very happy about. I still kinda regret not getting my other option but I might offend the wrong people if I have the word fuck on my ankle. As if I really care. ;)