Inside and out.. the good ol days

I am reminiscing about my years competing a lot this week. Who knows where this may go cause I'm a ball of thoughts. I am surprised how everyone relates so much to my babble but hey, Jersey Shore is a hit and that is mega babble.
Really doing some thinking.. a LOT of thinking. There is nothing like doing the Arnold Classic. In many ways I feel like I am back where I left off 2 years ago when I pulled out of it.. only healthier. It was my second pro show in 07 and I was very impressed from the time I arrived in Columbus. It is an experience I highly recommend if you ever possibly get the chance. I understand however, its only a possibility for very few. I am grateful that I had it.. and my Olympia experiences. The post below (Amanda and Tim) have excellent points. Ive been finally aware for some time that it all has to be for me cause I love it. There was an 11 year old girl yeeearrsss ago that fell in love with bb. Yes, I am debating coming back and how to do it.. physique vs. bb. I realize I am a densely built girl and getting 'small' can be a challenge. Getting big can be a little tricky too cause you have to be able to do it right. You know.. not look like a dude but still be massive. This is another obstacle that the men do not have to worry about. Im not even going to lie.. I am very, very happy that I got some time to step back and look at things from the outside in. Not bb for a while. It was really nice! But, I still love bb and being a bb. I did say I would never be competing into my 40s and I RARELY if ever come back on my word, but I have some years before I even hit 40. As a young girl I looooved bb. I was attracted to it instantly. Not only on the male body but also on woman. It just accentuated the possibilities of the human shape. Kinda strange for a girl that hated sports. The woman that taught me bb was the first one to plant the idea that I could be a Ms. Olympia one day. I never forgot that. Because bb had gotten so outrageous over the years I didn't even think that competing would ever be possible for me. When I was successful regionally, I still didn't even think that I would be able to hang on a national level. As shows went on I started thinking that hey, maybe I could be a Ms. Olympia. I don't know. Obviously I kept going but my life outside of bb evolved. You are an idiot if you think that there isn't a HUGE difference between competing regionally, to nationally, to pro. I noticed a serious difference between national and pro. Somewhere along the way I lost my Ms. Olympia dream. Still.. under it all, I want both a Ms. I and Ms. O. Now that I don't have anything it may be the time to go after it. For the first time I would be prepping and competing really 'raw'. As cost effectively as possible, no training partner, no 'team'... I don't even really have gym clothes right now. LOL Gone are the days of owning the gym I train in, spending what I want on food, grabbing my supplements out of my pro shop, my own step mill in my living room. When you go through a process of losing everything you love you realize that you aren't as important or cool as you may have thought and the junk that defined you definitely wasn't important. Now the girl that couldn't have imagined traveling and not staying in full service resort has no problem clipping coupons.
So to compete in what? Obviously being a trainer/consultant to other competitors I have to ask myself what would I tell me to do? Pick what will make me happiest and most successful. ;)

Back in Nov. after not training for a year and a half I was around Alina Popa and felt tiny. Last night watching the awards on line I thought Alina didn't look all the big in stature. Yaxeni and I have always been more comparable. When I bombed at the Olympia in 08 I was walking next to Yaxeni after the show and remember feeling pretty small. That proved just how horrible I did prep for that show.. if you want to call what I did a prep. I was smaller and soft.. a little stringy. I cant stress enough that a bb can look great or even phenomenal alone but you put that same person next to the competition and that's when you really know just how good they are. My delusional dumb ass thought I looked alright but once I stood next to the other top woman I obviously was not on par that year. I laugh a bit when people get so excited about a bb at their gym or someone that just turns pro about how they are going to go in and destroy the competition. Its just ignorant perception. I'm not saying don't get excited and supportive though. Bodybuilders egos are fragile.. handle with care. Don't fill them with bullshit unless you know what the fuck you are talking about. A trained eye is someone that has been around the shows long enough to not only know the physiques but also how judging runs. Ive been around and still can be off. I also don't always like what the judges have liked for however many shows in a row. Plenty of people thought Debbie should've won last night and I strongly disagree. I just don't care for her structure on stage. Off stage.. I think she looks awesome. I don't care how inshape someone is.. doesn't mean you have the shape and structure.

In 05 I went into the USA believing I had a chance going home pro. My hair and face looked like shit but my body was good enough. I did win.. the heavies and then lost the overall to Miss Dunbar the middle weight. Yeah, it could've gone either way but it wasn't like I was losing to someone like Angie Salvangno (who actually seriously thought and blogged about how she shouldve beat me in 06 cause she was the better package.. baaahhaaa!!! Come on now? I have yet to see her win a pro show or compete on a big stage.) Amanda deserved her win. I can honestly say I prefer her physique in many ways. Maybe that had something to do with my anger over losing to her. I came back the next year and wrapped it up with another win and a pro card. The following year, I won my first pro show and 2 weeks later I was 3rd to Iris and Yaxeni at my first Arnold. I was happy. From there the expectations went crazy. I was hyped as the next Ms. O. When you are being pulled out and compared with 2 Ms. Olympias its kinda easier to see how that could be a possibility. Hmm.. maybe there is something to this hype? My 07 Olympia fell short however. I was off and not what I had been at the International. I was expected to be better and I was worse I was disappointed to fall to 5th but still pretty happy. What happens though, when you are expected to do better and the people around you know you can.. more disappointment and guilt. Yeah, if say I wouldn't have done so well at the first 2 and went into my first Olympia to place 5th it wouldve been almost impressive, maybe. Look at some of the other new pros and their first Olympias and Internationals. This was not the case however. I was exhausted and I felt a strong sense of letting people down.. which would only get worse the next year. At the beginning of 08 we bought a gym so it was a good thing for me to set the 08 Arnold out. I needed the break but didn't get much of one taking on a struggling business. I dove into it and immersed myself day and night, not training, determined to keep the place going. That we did. But it was only months till Olympia prep and I HAD to live up to the hype this time. I started prepping my earliest ever at 15 weeks. By 7 weeks we thought I was going to be dead on. I was looking that good. The hype was huge cause I had had a whole year to prep. I was expected to be my best yet. I sabotaged myself. I was again exhausted this time with little help at work and feeling guilty about not being able to do it all. I had 2 seriously full time jobs going and began failing at both. I was using pills to go and pills to relax. The one person (my husband) I wanted to impress and make happy the most was the most disappointed and unhappy. Most of the time I thought about how happy it would make him if I did well. I sought his approval most of all.. after all we were partners in this. I of course failed miserably at that 08 Olympia. I embarrassingly pulled it off. Mistakes are ok if you learn from them and correct them so that I did. I put in for the Arnold and came back. 09 was much, much better. I hired (conned and begged) my dear friend to help me at work and manage the store so I could focus. This was a huge help.. after all I came back very strong. Everything seemed to be going just right but somewhere I got a little lost again and got a little too cocky. I had a false sense of what was important. I knew I was being one dimensional but didn't know how to correct it. Injuries started and I was unhappy in other areas. I missed my family and the less stressful, not so public life that I had before. I wanted it all but didn't know how to have it all. Maybe you yourself have experienced getting something.. say a car that is nice but 2 years go by and you find yourself making a little more money, thinking a little more highly of your importance and place in society soooo you want a nicer car. Ok so maybe its only me. LOL Its our nature to want more and better. As woman there is a societal expectation on us to do everything smart, effective, graceful, and with minimal fuck ups, all looking drop dead beautiful. As things quickly unraveled in my life the pain was so bad I wanted to blame anything and everything. Bodybuilding took the brunt of my anger.
You can only control yourself. Others are on their own and you definitely may not like what they are doing.. its up to you to cope. My devastation that everything I loved and worked for was being taken was way too painful to take without numbing myself. I wanted everyone to love me sooo much, especially my husband. I thought I could manipulate it, control it, do it all, but it only stressed me out. Sober hindsight I realize clearly I never shouldve had to seek any ones love. Your family and friends are through thick and thin, better or worse.. right? I was becoming notorious for hitting burn out, quickly. I was never an athlete, or much of a competitor previously and what I did do I most always won or succeed at easily. I couldn't see the forest through the trees and I was confused. People had always loved me cause I was so real. Respect and popularity also came easy for me. It seemed to be turning on me. And the fuckers that didn't/don't like me or what I was doing.. who cares.. really???
I was sure of one thing.. competing was done and I didn't care.
Damn.. that got sad quick. LOL But now I have came full circle with it. I 'get it' and do things that only serve a purpose for me and others. If all the hurtful, horrible shit wouldn't have happened I may still be a one dimensional bitch. ;) I know who I am again. I found that 25 year old girl that started this way back at 21. I am thrilled that I have heard from so many people that also 'get' me. If letting you in on some of my personal shit can help, that's very cool.
Ok so more about how awesome I was.. and am..

Stature is something you cant truly understand until you see some of these people in person. Branch Warren looks huge on stage but to see him in person he looks.. dare I say 'normal'. Well he is wide but short. I have a presence about me that seems large and/or animated. I can see that. I will never forget once when I was in Mexico we were passing a family and I was wearing a swimsuit.. this little boy asked his dad if I was a real person. Amusing. I remember seeing pros, back when I was not yet like Yaxeni, Betty Viana, Cathy LeFrancois, and they did appear super human. These are bodies that definitely defy anything you are use to seeing. Yes, pictures and video are impressive but when you see them in person it just doesn't compare. I still get asked if I work out or bodybuild because of my genetic stature and structure. I was doing legs a few weeks ago and a guy approached me to congratulate me on the excellent work I have done on such an impressive physique. I smiled and giggled a little inside. Because my look is so 'loud' and I have a personality to match, Ive been a little self conscious over the years. Ironically though, the most at shows and industry events. I always felt like I had to embody perfection. Perfection on stage and perfection off. That could drive anyone a little insane. I always fell short anyhow. Off stage I thought I had to look like the other pros in off season which is stupid cause I am ME. Now I don't care.. really I don't care. I am living to be happy and have fun. If being happy and having fun involves competing then I am going to keep going. My glass is no longer always half empty. Its always half full and I would like to see the difference in prepping now. Most of all.. just taking time to enjoy it again. I will definitely do things differently. :)

This picture totally demonstrates a look I would've stared at being an on looker!

Thank you for your support! I will not compete again just cause fans say they miss seeing me but a little because I miss seeing them. Awwww.. that was cheesy cute. LOL I cant always disregard the criticism 100% but I definitely know how to deal with it.. better.