I may have possibly come to the end of my meantime. My meantime was a couple of years of serious soul searching and self realization. When I got married in 07 I didn't have any idea what a meantime could possibly be. I just thought we had it all figured out since we had been together for so long already.
I fell in love with this bodybuilder I met at a show, literally over night. I had only been out of my last relationship for a couple months. I was partyin, livin it up, and having fun. I did nothing to work on me.. hardly. I just knew that I wanted THIS man and I was game. Right after our wedding things moved fast for our success between buying the gym, his career, my pro bodybuilding.. little shit fell by the wayside. Our divorce happened as quickly as everything else. Its not an ideal situation when you are still in love with the person you are divorcing.. and shit is getting ugly.
So here I am still in love with the same man. No matter what I said or did to cover it ever worked to remove him from my heart. I took the time to figure out how to be alone and happy all by myself, date and meet new people, look around outside the industry at other ways of living. I got out of my way, slowed the fuck down and got rid of the materialism, entitlement, and bad drug habits. Ive really found out who I am and what I want, which gets clearer all the time, but most of all.. I got insight into what I was doing to break down my marriage and truly know what it is to forgive and love UNconditionally. There should be a poster with my picture and the caption "Learn from your mistakes.. or else". I have reached enlightenment in dozens of ways. We get so caught up in what has been done TO US that we forget about what we have done to perpetrate on others. I have been left to wonder occasionally if Dylan and I were ever as bad as we made the other one out to be, and I don't care. I know for a fact that it takes a rare man to be with me. A very secure man with patience. The kind of man that would fall in love with me is going to be someone with strong character that others don't really have the option of fucking with. I know for a fact that we both were wrong to the one person that meant everything and we both let our egos get in the way time and time again. Keeping your ego out of it doesn't mean letting someone walk on you. You have to be wise enough to know the difference between someone that really loves you equally and someone that is going to walk on you cause you are a pussy. If your ego is involved you will self destruct what you truly desire... unless you are a total tool and then you desire nothing other than being an egotistical asshole.
Nothing has ever added up to what I had with, or felt for Dylan. I have been fighting this for 2 years and I have been miserable. Luckily though I got this time to learn a whole lot about what is important and what just is not. More than you can imagine qualifies as unimportant when it comes to being in a successful relationship. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? I am not addressing this subject to search out approval or justify my actions, but to possibly help anyone else out there struggling with anger, confusion, or general negativity. People are constantly letting what others think effect their life. If you keep doing that you lose your place that holds what YOU want then you resent all the people that you, yourself enabled to persuade you one way or the other that you didnt want. Years ago.. I truly practiced 'think for yourself'. I got lost in all the bodybuilding and dying to please everyone and myself at the same time. Just another way to self destruct and end up angry. Please yourself first and the rest will fall in place. NOW I finally do not give a shit one way or another how you think or feel about me. Your negativity says more about you than it does me. Half of the consensus will have you believing that you should not become one in a marriage.. but I absolutely disagree. If you want to be an individual then don't get married. Now you can still be your own person but you do have to create one life, respecting the others needs and wants. People will have you believing anything out of their own selfish motives but you cant conform or even listen to what the popular vote says cause it may not be what works for you. Just cause 10 out of 12 people think it to be right doesn't mean its right. It has only the meaning YOU give it. I remember reading a post after we got married where most people were being positive and congratulating us but there were a few being negative. Of course I got offended an the negative stood out. One in-particular said that we wouldn't make it cause we were 'high profile' and that puts stress on the marriage. And so we have learned. Believe me, we are aware just how many people would like to keep us apart. People have pulled on us plenty over the years. We are all too aware of the 'haters' and deal with them right in front of us everyday (yes, we know who you are.. cause you are too obvious;). Dylan and I are very strong, powerful individuals but when we are put together.. we are ridiculously strong. He is my rock that does make me stronger. Kinda like eating power pellets. ;) There is an energy, a chemistry between us that has been there since day one. Now more than ever and we are only getting started. People are fickle and the those weak ones will always eventually bend.. just be patient. The leaders make the ground rules that set the bar for all the followers to follow. I am not a follower. My followers may as well fall in line and look in the mirror before wasting their energy on depicting my life. Either way.. I will not lose sleep.. not anymore, I got all I need.
Yes, we have been officially dating each other for a while. I know that he knew that we would end up together and I may have tried to deny and tell myself that never again.. but I knew better. We are both finally at peace.. completely. I had peace without him but still an awful pit or hole of nothingness was where he should be. We use to always say if the other one was away it was like we were missing a limb. The last two years was more than just a limb, it was my heart. I don't have the need to get my confidence or sense of identity from him any longer. I don't need his approval for myself to be happy, but because I respect and admire him I do appreciate it and definitely want his input, but may not agree with it. If you are fortunate enough to meet someone that you click with in every way, that is your BEST friend, that you can do anything stupid around and laugh at yourself, that gives you butterflies and hot tinglies, and love from head to toe.. don't let go for anything. They are one of a kind and you should be thankful everyday that you did meet.
You may ask, how can you be over your meantime just cause Dylan is in your life? 2.5 years ago, I wouldn't have been caught dead eating publicly by myself. I was so dependent.. and ultimately insecure. I don't even know that girl anymore. Like I started this.. I have spent this time fixing what was broken about me that was destructive to my husband and others. I have been enlightened and educated in ways I never knew before facing adversity. I became whole as an individual, but the last part missing was my soul mate. He wasn't 'out there'.. he was right here, waiting.
I will still blog but it will be a little different.. and no, no more meantime. I am in the next phase/stage and moving on. I will still write about love and life experiences. Thank you for supporting me and your UNconditional love. I only wish I could give you the peace, faith, and love that I have found on my journey but you must walk your own path. Don't let one day of it defeat you. Nothing bad last. Thank God for giving you the opportunity to grow. I promise.. it does work out just like it should. I regret nothing.. there are NO accidents
What is up for 2013? You will just have to watch. ;)
