Friday night lyrics! Wooohooooo!

Ok not so much but whatever. I am having a pity party and I'm the only dumb ass invited. I'm kicken it with myself another Friday night and all bummed. Actually the saddest I have been in quite a while and I had one serious shit week last week. (Before you freak out and I get bombed with mail about hoping I feel better soon.. I am already over it.) One of those 'one thing after another' weeks and it was everyday. So yeah, I am playing with myself tonight... oh grow up! I am thee most popular lonely person. When everyone loves you, you can never be lonely.. right? I do get asked out.. almost too much but I'm not going out with everyone that ask, especially with how I'm feeling now. Im ready to take my shopping cart to the check out. 90% of the time I would rather be at home with me anyhow. My friends have their things going on and my gorgeous pretend boyfriend is at a wedding in Toronto.. or so he says.;)

I love music, right? It is one of my biggest passions. It is crazy how talented people with musical abilities are. My nephews were playing in bars with their own band at 12, 14, and 16! I however don't have that talent. I did sing before my voice changed from.. smoking. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the steroids. Damn cigarettes!
My very first tape was Madonna- Like a Virgin. I have loved that woman like crazy since. She can do no wrong. If you critisize her talent you probably think that Bruce Springsteen can sing and then you truly have no taste. I am going to give you some lyrics to two songs that have personally touched me and you may relate to also on some level off the Confessions On a Dance Floor album. Do yourself a favor and download them and then put them on, crank it and dance your ass off. Bust it out all sexy and shit! You will feel empowered, I promise. If you take a minute and watch the links of her performances I posted along with.. it is way worth it! She is amazing! Stunning! If for nothing else than to just check out those arms.. wow! I get all happy excited just thinking about it. Take it in :) The first one, the lyrics are very simple but I put it on and it touches me deeply. The second song is my life story! This song definitely belongs on the HMP soundtrack! Enjoy! God bless you and have a fabulous Easter weekend!

"Let It Will Be"Now I can tell you about success, about fame
About the rise and the fall of all the stars in the sky
Don't it make you smile
Let it will be
Just let it be
Won't you let it be

Now I can tell you about the place I belong
You know it won't last long
And all those lights they will turn down

Let it will be
Oh let it be
Just let it be
Won't you let it be

Now I can see things for what they really are
I guess I'm not that far
I'm at the point of no return
Just watch me burn

Let it will be
Just let it be
Oh let it be

Let it will be (just let it be)
Just let it be (Let it will be)
Oh let it be (Got to let it be)
Oh let it be (Won't you let it be)

Now I can tell you
The place that I belong
It won't last long
The lights they will turn down

Oh let it be [repeat]

Won't you let it be
You got to let it be
Anyone can see
Let it will be

Just watch me burn
Oh let it be
Just let it be
Won't you let it be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhxTko9IylA

"Like It Or Not"You can call me a sinner
You can call me a saint
Celebrate me for who I am
Dislike me for what I ain't

Put me up on a pedestal
Or drag me down in the dirt
Sticks and stones will break my bones
But your names will never hurt

I'll be the garden
You be the snake
All of my fruit is yours to take
Better the devil that you know
Your love for me will grow
Because

[Chorus]
This is who I am
You can
Like it or not
You can
Love me or leave me
Cus I'm never gonna stop
No no

Cleopatra had her way
Matahari too
Whether they were good or bad
Is strictly up to you

Life is a paradox and it doesn't make much sense
Can't have the Femme without the Fatale
Please don't take offense

Don't let the fruit rot under the vine
Fill up your cup and let's drink the wine
Better the devil that you know
Your love for me will grow
Because

no no you know [repeat]

I'll be garden
You'll be the snake
All of my fruit are yours to take
Better the devil that you know
Your love for me will grow
Because
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rE6v-gBMTRk

A roommate.. and other assholes.

I have a roommate. The only other time I have had one was when I was 19 stripping, another stripper moved in with me for a few months. Not a bad deal. This situation is not for me now though. If you are not sleeping with the person you live with.. it ain't a good idea. After I divorced I got my own place and partied for a year. Now that I'm clean and avoiding the bullshit of drama I want to be around people that lift me up and like me.. preferably. Best reason for me not to be around people that don't like me is that they are obviously total tools. I like me and I have fantastic taste! (Don't confuse my cockiness for narcissism) When you are 'in recovery' it is very important to stay around kind, compassionate people that REALLY love and care for you. Know when to call you on your shit but know when to baby you a little. People are so fucking selfish and they don't understand in the least that you are trying desperately to take care of yourself and you need to be selfish for YOU. Rebuilding a life is difficult but to do it as a sober addict.. its a bit tougher. I don't need the guilt trips from people cause I'm not doing what THEY would ideally want. I am no stranger to guys being 'fond' of me. I am well aware even if I do play a little dumb to it. Someone said its like Something About Mary staring Heather. Except in the movie the guys that liked Mary fought with each other rather than get angry with her. Its really flattering to be in demand until it becomes uncomfortable stressful. Ive always had a lot of guy friends but maybe its not cause they just want to be friends. I'm a bit of a tom boy but I am super girly. Till I meet Mr. Right I don't need a Mr. Right NOW. I will know when I am ready for a relationship and I hope I will know when its the right person. I am clear on this.. its not some big secret.

Back in Nov I needed a place asap. I am in a therapy class that I had just started at the time. My first class I walked in and expressed my sadness over my situation and horrible frustration with what was going on. A man seated across from me said he happen to have a roommate moving out Dec 1st and I was welcome to move it. Perfect! I was thrilled. I thought a roomie would be a good idea after being alone and lonely for so long. I had lost my best friend along with everything else I had worked for my whole life.. had spent days on end by myself for so long so maybe this would be cool. He seemed EXTREMELY genuine.. to have compassion and understanding for what I was going through and promised to be there for me as a friend while I was doing this rebuilding process. I never hid my weaknesses.. no sugar coating. We made quick friends and I was very happy. He was super supportive and kind.. and flirtatious. I made light of it and gave no indication that I would want to be more than friends. About two months ago things drastically changed. His behavior and attitude toward me did a 180. Even if I said I was going out with a friend he got weird. He decided he was not feeling so friendly anymore.. I am guessing because he saw that his 'support' wasn't getting him what he wanted.. me. He recently told me that he knew from the minute he saw me walk in. I was furious. I felt duped. I felt like he had tried to trick me into loving him cause now he is a different person completely. I suppose cause I did not return his affection other than platonicly. I liked and enjoyed this person very much.. my heart was broken. I guess, like some others he thought that since I was single for a while and had such a crippling divorce I would want to get into something to be moving on. Much of what I have posted has had something to do with this situation in my life right now. I am devastated that I opened up to someone that took advantage of my vulnerability. AGAIN
Truly, unconditionally loving someone means you are there for them no matter what! No questions. You do not do and give just so you can get!!! My parents have been that. You put your trust in someone like this.. what happens when shit really hits the fan? Then where will you be? We all need others especially to love and beloved. I am dumbfounded by the selfishness that I have encountered. People were angry when I was fucked up but now that I am clean and clear as ever they are still mad one way or another (not everyone). I can tell you the users don't like it when the person the they can manipulate and control puts their foot down. When I was jacked up I was just a delusional,wishy washy pain in the ass.. now I'm almost fearless and will stand up and advocate for myself any day. I never was one to get pushed around but now I definitely don't tolerate it cause I know what I have to do to take care of my own sanity. I am telling you.. you will never make everyone happy. Cliche and fucking true! This is why politicians are such a disaster. You can try because it is right to be a good, considerate person but there is a point that you cant endanger your own self. Know when to draw your line in the sand. Boundaries and priorities! This is so important for recovered addicts cause their reasons for using substances are to cope with pressures and things like pleasing everyone but themselves. You are not the asshole for not pleasing them in a situation where you are vulnerable or something you just don't want to do.. they are! Manipulative, self serving users are total dicks and don't deserve you. All you can do is discard em but if you are like me and backed into a bit of a corner you may have to pull out your coping tools and just bear it and wait out the storm. Lucky for me I am so unreal happy being substance free that I don't even get too down for too long or crave the numbness anymore. Long naps and ice cream is still a bit of a problem however.
My concern in my quest for falling madly in love again is that I will want to please him so much that I compromise myself. I am aware of this. I have thought possibility I should settle with someone that doesn't drive me wild so I am in the drivers seat but that is so unfair to that other person. I don't want to control anyone! I believe in mutual, equal love and affection. Its just very rare but if your willing to hold out for it.. it will come.

I love hearing from you and dig the feedback, but please, your advice is not really all that needed.
I got this. :)
I know I will, if I haven't already;), meet Prince Charming. I know I will never change who and what I am again. There is a man and many future friends that will love me for it with all my nuttiness, neurotic ideas, and vibrant colors. As I Tweeted a few days ago- I fall in love with myself more everyday.. flaws and all. This little place called Heathers may not be big or have much of a view, hell the location sucks but its all mine and I love it! This feeling inside, I cant explain but my love is alive and I'm never gonna hide it again.. quote the great Madonna ;)

HMP<3

I just wanna have some fun!

You know why people like comedians? Cause they say the shit that we are thinking and cant say cause we're scared. I talk a ton of shit. I am personally hard to offend so I cant understand why so many people get offended so easily. Some of what I say is for my own entertainment.. and of course yours. I am so glad that you enjoy reading my craziness and appreciate that I am so honest. I am going to be censoring even less since I am getting egged on. I will know I was successful when I start getting mail about going too far. If you take me personal, that is YOUR problem.. don't be a bitch and don't think you are that important. Unless I say your name in here it probably has nothing to do with you. And as long as you don't have a middle name.. you may not be safe. That said, yes there are certain experiences on my mind and maybe a person or two. I do have a life that I do have to play this off of or there would be no 'Meantime'. Kyle, you were a horrible kisser and therefore.. no there will not be another date.
There.. now that I offended Kyle and about 2 dozen other people we can go on.

Before you think that I'm just a sex crazed maniac, let me assure you I am BUT that has nothing to do with me writing about it. I write about it cause I can for one and its fun. I shouldve been the Dr. Ruth of my generation. Again.. I missed my calling. I write about dating and relationships cause its another thing we all have going on and can relate to. I have gone through a lot of growing pains and just enjoy sharing my insight. Plus, like Ive said.. if I can get one more person to be less of an asshole and think twice.. cool. As much as I feel I know about what woman want (ok, just me), I don't really know what men want. I am a little stumped. My last relationship just flowed out of the gate. That kind of connection is magic.. there is no guess work. I have dealt with so many different personalities with men but the one thing I always come back to thinking about is.. how is this guy dicken me around? Is he just calculatingly telling me what I want to hear. More times than not.. yes, he is! Omgosh, I hate that! Because I always want to believe that people think the way I do I assume they all tell the truth but of course know better. Why should anyone want to bs what they think you want to hear? That just seems so exhausting. If I say.. really, you don't have to sugar coat and bs me.. I mean it! I am nice to people but I don't go over the top.. when I give a compliment its not half hearted. People that know me can attest to that. You know where you stand with me. I am genuine. No I'm not going to stroke your ego so you like me. Do you feel special when the trainer in the gym tells you you have the best physique in there, then over hear him say it to the next person? How would you feel if the hottest woman in the gym told you how you have the most beautiful eyes but also told your training partner the same exact thing? I have had some hard lessons with peoples sincerity. Its not like I haven't heard my share of kiss ass compliments over the years. Now days I can tell the difference between the real ones and the half hearted. Then, unfortunately that leads me to questioning everything anyone says. I know that that can look pathetically weak and insecure. Which I'm not (yes I am).. but I am watching my back while I'm calling you on your shit so I can get the air clear. If I don't watch my back and then you pull some shit over on me.. you best be watching your back.. ya feel me?
This is whats nice about not being desperate and confident in yourself. You don't feel the need to let shadiness or insincerity slide.. you and your backbone stand up straight and let them know exactly where you stand without fear of rejection. But when you really, really like someone you may be in some trouble. We tend to do somethings out of our character or comfort zone for someone that really floats our boat. Our affections can be taken advantage of and abused if they are towards a mean spirited person that doesn't feel the same. So don't tell someone that you know is head over heals for you that you feel the same cause you don't want to hurt their feelings! If you had a lick of common sense you would know that that is only going to hurt more in the long run. I believe that is why so many people settle also. Its safe. Rejection hurts like hell when you are face to face with the only one you want. The person that brings out the animal in you and the passion that you never knew you had can make you vulnerable and that is a scary place to be. You will say things to that person that you would not normally say cause they bring out the 'good' crazy in you.. and wow, does it feel good! You will open up and put in more effort. All of a sudden you are a little.. desperate. After all, those people don't come along but once in a blue moon and you better hold on. If you don't at least try you may be left with nothing but regret. In this case though.. 'try' isn't even needed cause it just comes naturally. Even now after having my heart shattered I will not run away from the chance to feel that kind of passion again. Broken hearts are repairable, to some extent. It just may take what seems like eternity to put it back together. Patience, and yup.. work. I have a huge heart and I wear it on my sleeve so mine breaks regularly.

People do what works, right? If their situation.. in whatever, work, marriage, relationships is getting them by they aren't going to take the measures needed to change it when they know change could result in some painful lows.. no matter how good the outcome of persevering through may be. Addicts have this conflict. They know they are not in a good, healthy situation with their addiction but it is working for them cause they are blissfully fucked up. To get clean would mean painful struggle although the end result is by far ideal for where they want to be. I was very happy being fucked up cause I didn't have to go through the pain of feeling my worst fears. I also knew cleaning up would be a horribly long road of struggle. Obese people are the same. We love being stuck in our shit. Its a comfort zone no matter how painful and UNconfortable it actually is! WTF? Its cause you don't even know how horrible that so called comfort zone is till you step out of it and look around at all the other paths to take to expand yourself. Sometimes it takes rock bottom to tire of being stuck in shit. That is where I found my open heart and mind. It sure wasn't in my mess of selfishness and addiction. You can rarely make you and everyone else happy at once. You have to live with you so fuck everyone else. Everyone else not being your close personal loved ones, ok? I do advocate that you should do as many kind things for people as possible, your family at the top of that list but not if it puts you in an uncomfortable spot personally. You can be selfless and giving of yourself without compromising YOU. You keep what you give away. :) Just don't give it all away. I had so many people telling me to not be angry.. that its too negative, get over this or move on.. that I didn't know what to do! Guess what.. your feelings and emotions ARE valid! I can guarantee you that. Unless you are a psychopath then you're just an asshole that deserves no validation only a padded cell and maybe a psychiatrist.

So yeah.. guys, WFT? You're a mess! I really don't know what you want. Messed up part is.. I even ask. What do you want? For being such simple creatures you are awfully complicated and indecisive. I think thats actually saying lazy and making it sound fancy. I ask for whatever I want now even if it is for something as simple as wanting to know what you want! Because I am older now and I don't have the patience for games and drama.. I don't pussy foot around. Yes, I said pussy foot and no I don't know what that means (but it is a little provocative, right? lol). People need to just say what the want and let it be known. If you don't know what you want then why are you shopping? Get your ass home and read a book.. or knit a sweater. To my bodybuilders.. go back to the gym to work on your lats cause you will desperately need those at 72 (but not as much as you need to do something about those legs NOW). Then theres the guys that you can tell them what you want and they get defensive. Like they are trying to defend their right to not please you. Huh???? I'm not sure if the guys that just ignore what you ask for are any better. Gentleman, if a woman is truly more important than anything and may be the future mother of your children.. clean the wax out of your ears and remember what it was like before you met her, then envision your future without her. If not.. politely let her know so she can get on with not wasting her life on you. Then you may go crawl back into your hole.
Ok, did I go to far with the last sentence? LOL Nah!

I'm being a little harsh cause I cant even really pinpoint what I want. I'm working it out. I know the general outline like I stated in my last post, but what I am really holding my breath for is a feeling. Yes, a huge percentage of it is physical but how a person is in their personality can carry over to their physical appeal. I personally have to have both. Inner and outer! The inner is what will last 30 years down the road and make you think the outer is still beautiful. When you are pissed that hes working overtime and that is one of the first things you loved was his work ethic.. check yourself.
Ive been really thinking about physical attraction a whole lot. Guys.. why does a woman have to be SO hot? Cant she be just cute as long as she's honest, loyal, kind and attentive? I have felt pressure for years to be above average good looking. I am aware that I am.. attractive but I'm not THAT good looking. I am very confident in the person I am though. I am confident that I have desirable qualities and my character is very strong and pure. I still feel like I am not 'hot' enough and that is more important. How fucked up? After all first impressions are everything. Maybe not though.. I give the example all the time how guys that initially have not found me attractive end up asking me out after being around me a little.
This is another area that I wish everyone else thought like me. I like little flaws in someones looks cause it does make them beautifully unique. There are moments I even like my nose! Yeah.. seriously! But then I try to see myself how other people might see me and I see nothing but flaws cause I'm comparing myself to a strategically chosen and airbrushed ad photos on the newsstand. I don't think physical attraction is as important as men might make it seem. They love talking about how hot the hot chic is as if the average woman is just not adequate, but sure wont complain about banging that average chic. You turds! Grow up.. you ain't all that.;) That is coming from the woman that is like the pickiest. Hmmm?
Well, the only thing I really got out of this is now I really know why I got a C in English 101.. hope you got something more.

HMP

Sex and the single girl.. continued part 3

Ive had some interesting blog request lately. I try to touch on everything at some point. I got one about what I want in the next 5 years. Easy.. a wonderful man, a little boy/or girl, live somewhere other than Colorado, finish school, and a Ms. O. Ok, we got that cleared.
Love and relationships at my age.. the game has totally changed! Ive touched on this subject in the past so I'm just updating. Obviously it is a part of my life since I am single and all, and would like to find love.. so its going to come up. I know ya love this topic.;) I am starting to feel the pressure from others about finding a relationship but I feel no need to take that jump. That is settling if it doesn't feel natural. I stand very firm on this decision. I know what it feels like to be swept off my feet. Less will not do. This has also made me very aware of how divorce and marriage is viewed.. with very little respect. Our society has so much emphasis on being partnered that if you aren't there must be something wrong with you. I mean if you get into something and then you want to get out cause you don't want to put in the work or you jumped in before finding out if it was something you would even want to put work into.. fuck it, bail. WTF? Humans are not disposable! I find myself asking guys why they are single as if there is something wrong with them. You see a good looking guy that comes off well and you gotta wonder right? My first thought is hes horrible in bed.. but even that wont keep a guy single.. just single from me. I would like to think that everyone thinks like me so they are single for my reasons.. but I don't really know. Therefore I ask. But like everything else filtering through the bullshit is a chore that must be done. (Why do people insist on bullshitting when they really don't care what you think?) From what I have seen people are so afraid of being alone that they will hook their wagon up to someone just to fill a void or validate themselves. Not good reasons at all! I hear from a lot of other singles about their trials.. this is real life shit that is a big conversation piece. Obviously, its a multi million dollar industry. Everyone is 'looking' but no one truly wants to invest. You aren't thinking about the upkeep on the sexy new sports car you want to buy but you know you want to drive it. I sure as hell am not going to invest into Match.com etc. I will save my investment for the relationship. Unlike everything else I don't think you can chase or look for love and be successful. That is not to say that once you find that person and you shouldn't put forth the effort to pursue. Funny how people will put more effort into the chase and search than the actual relationship. Not sure if there are more trials being single or married. Both are pretty tough. Actually I think its the same amount just different. If you are lucky enough to find someone that pushes all the right buttons even the difficulties in marriage are a blessing.

So yeah, things are WAY different for me than when I was single last. The men I attract and who I am as a woman now are almost completely different. However somethings for me never change and that isn't all good. It can make for some difficult situations. I am in one right now and it happens to be with a roommate. I've always attracted guys that go about getting my attention in all the wrong ways. This is a headache that I would of course much rather avoid but some situations are unavoidable. No really, some are. My living situation is temporary but unavoidable right now. Its making me pretty unhappy to say the least. For a 'recoving' addict bad, painful situations are very, very undesirable. I pray and do my best with it though. Peoples selfishness never ceases to blow my mind.. and piss me off.
I attract all ages but definitely younger now for the most part. Guys in their 40s are steering clear. I think that they are the mid life crisis guys. They don't know what the fuck they want so they definitely don't want a woman that knows what she wants. That is too scary for them. Woman that have gone through some shit have a real sense of self. They don't have time or patience for the bullshit. They don't make big deals out of nothing and are in a peek of sexuality. The reasons a man would want an older woman are endless. Younger guys come minus the emotional baggage but are sick of dating the younger girls that are less 'experienced'. At first I was scared to death of the 20 somethings popping up. I was really taken back by it. At first I took it as a trend but I can see there is something to it. I always thought it was a little.. taboo maybe.. when I knew older woman with younger guys. I had always been attracted to men a little older. I know when Lisa Auckland went through her divorce she had quite the ordeal. She showed up the next year at the Olympia with a cute, much younger guy. I was a little surprised but not judging by no means. I just thought, wow I hope he has a gorgeous dick and fucks the shit out her.. oh and makes her really happy. ;) She sure as hell deserves it! See where my mind goes first.


I'm totally confused about sex too. People have sex like they have dinner. No big deal and Ill take the shitty cold pizza even though I could hold out for the fillet mignon. REALLY? Have some self respect. Don't sell yourself short but pleeeeease do be realistic about what you can get. 5s don't get to fuck 10s... that's just how it goes. I didn't make the rule, although there are exceptions. I saw a coffee mug years ago that said.. sex is like pizza, even when its bad its good. Maybe for a guy! Or you've never had REALLY good sex to make the comparison cause no, really bad sex is a waste of time. The intimacy is what I really miss. We are human and are built to touch and feel so its natural to crave that. I'm not writing a book on human sexuality so I don't want to bore you but sex is one of my favorite subjects. Do you really give a shit about that salad I tweeted about last night? No, but you would've really taken notice if I tweeted something pornographic, even if it was just me eating the salad naked. I don't always act nuts just cause I'm nuts. People that know how to get what they want also know strategy. ;)

Going in a completely different direction to UNsexy.. I came across this pic Isaac Hinds took while I was at the airport headed to an Olympia. We got a kick out of it cause I have like no body fat and the people sitting next to me are.. plump. My sucked in, hard ass face full of fish. Ewwww!
Im headed in to jog... Ewwwww!

What you cannot get and whatever else..

I'm up way too late.. as usually. Cant sleep. I'm home alone and dancing all over the place. I just ate an obscene amount of ice cream so I gotta burn that shit off! I LOVE music and lately I discover a new song about once a week that I play OVER AND OVER. I enclosed some pics of me entertaining myself. Have a good laugh on me! I have been spending a lot of time by myself which is cool but it does get old. I don't want to get so use to it that that is all I do so I am aware of it and break the pattern here and there. However, I know not to put myself in harmful situations too.
Ive really been thinking about what I do not have that I want this week. This week has been a real kick in the face. I don't like focusing on have nots cause I can lose sight of gratitude. Ive done it before. I have learned to live without most of what I was use to the last two years, survival. Now I'm not so content that I am seeing the possibilities and its SO close yet I still cant touch it. I know we can all agree that there have been times we want something so bad and it is just not going to happen. Or maybe its just that we don't see the possibilities and give up too soon. I tend to think its laziness. I am a persistent shit when I reeeeeally want something though. Maybe we don't really want it all that bad. I thought I wanted that Olympia title, but guess not all that bad. I wanted it for the wrong reasons. I lost sight of a 12 year old girl that thought it would be amazing to be a Ms. Olympia. I didn't make clear goals for it. I preach now about having conviction cause I had lost mine for years and I don't want anyone else to go through that sad lull of confusion. And I fucking hate people sitting on the pot. Shit already! Being wishy washy about your desires will leave you very disappointed and unsatisfied in 20 years with no way of turning back the clock. No one deserves to be as lost as I was.
I got a lot of responses to my earlier post on this and I was sad to see how many people have things they want and say they cant have but what I saw was.. why not? The wants didn't sound unobtainable to me. Don't limit yourself on something that IS possible! You aren't on death row wanting to go to a Rolling Stones concert! That may be a tough one.
I am all about positive thinking and going after whatever it is that you want.. believing anything can happen. I am a fighter. I have a couple of situations completely out of reach and out of my control right now and it makes me furious. Ive also lived real life without the heavy fog of bullshit and its not always cherries no matter how positive you are. Shit happens.. right? Be proactive and keep going. The biggest life struggles will be your most influential time of growth. TRUE! Unless you choose to ignore.. that's on you. I can look at life at every angle, especially with my current clarity. I have self sabotaged myself dozens of times to give myself the opposite of what I want as a result. I have feared succeeding and let me tell ya.. its bullshit. I was always so scared of succeeding. What if people didn't like me cause I was so good? Weird huh? Hard lessons have given me the strength to fight through ANYTHING. The last thing I care about now is what anyone else thinks. A whole lot of people say that, but I MEAN IT. God is the only one I have to answer to and Ive already begged for forgiveness for the 246,096 shitty things Ive done (didn't know I could count that high). Other people can sabotage you and leave your life lacking that beautiful shine if you allow them to.. steal your light and joy. Unfortunately I am here to tell you that the biggest majority of people you come across are going to want to see you miserable and fail horribly. They are miserable, hateful beings themselves. They will probably never take accountability for what they do to others so don't waste time with them. Unhappy, bitter people bitch, complain, and judge for no good reason other than to serve their own selfish insecurities. Fuck them! I am so confident now in who I am as a person with my character that it doesn't even make me falter. I make mistakes everyday and fix them. Power is within you to make any change necessary to create crazy cool amounts of happiness! Surround yourself with ones that lift you up. Anyone pulling you down is self serving and they need to go down the road.
I have had so many things taken away from me and it still continues to happen even when I have nothing left to take. When you're vulnerable you are susceptible to hurtful events and treatment cause others see you as an opportunity to help themselves. I understand that I cant have everything thing I want right now or maybe never but learning to cope with fuckers taking from me cause of their own selfish shit is like swallowing battery acid! There are a few things that I want so badly right now and I can do nothing about. Its right there teasing me but just out of reach.. BUT I am not going to take it out on innocent bystanders. For a mean, spoiled girl that sucks! Luckily I'm not nearly as spoiled.. or mean, as I once was so I can accept it no matter how much I don't like it. I do know that I will not give up if there is an ounce of a possibility for me to get it. I do not settle for the next best. Neither should you! Mediocrity is so boring! Keep moving forward and use your 'meantime' to improve yourself. Beauty starts on the inside! Yeah, yeah.. Heather's cliche bullshit again. ;) You know I'm right, and I am your reminder. You love me or you wouldn't keep telling me.  Heather 142, you 0
Swallow your foolish pride cause its doing no one any favors. Humility is a beautiful thing. Possibilities are endless especially once you humble yourself.
I am going to still pout about what I want and do not have a few times a day and then I will slap on a huge smile and remind myself that I wouldn't want to be in any shoes other than my own. Pants are a completely different item. ;)

I'm out cause I'm finally tired.. Dance Party USA does it every time! Sorry for the slapped together blog.. kinda.

What is up..

I haven't had a real post for a bit.. I know. I haven't really felt like writing. I am super bored today and I still don't feel like writing so this could possibly really suck to read but if you aren't intelligent enough to piece it together than you shouldn't be reading my blog anyhow. See?.. I'm already being a dick. I usually write these just to entertain myself. I have been screwin around on line all day.. to entertain myself. Ugh! I am a little pissed about how things have been going. Ive been emotional. I am actually depressed I think. I'm eating horribly and breaking out! WTF? I'll get over it and its not a big deal.. I am working through my feelings and I am fully aware that some shit ya just cant control or change. You definitely cant control other people's actions or behavior but you can control your own reactions. I got myself into way too much hot water reacting wrong to others and WOW.. not worth one second of it. The people that hurt you carry on with their lifes and could give a shit less about how you feel about it so you best be prepared. That's cause they are selfish fucks that have never had to truly suffer.. or vindictive manipulators (takes one to know one, or so I hear), and they probably don't really have love for you anyhow. Ive established that I have learned some hard lessons but I am very happy with who I am from it. It is so true that you will have the most miserable time going through the most growth in your life.
I am a bad ass woman.. possibly even a bitch but not nearly the bitch Karma is.

Lets clarify.. I am single by CHOICE cause I am not going to settle or jump into anything. I am far from hard up. Don't think you are doing me any favors with your deluded idea of your self importance. I am not impressed. Take a listen to the song "Make Me Proud" by Drake.. that's kinda me. I am definitely not looking to hurt anyone either so I am mindful of my actions. I sure as hell don't need to be with someone that bad. I am proud of the fact that I can be by myself and make the most of it, but I am humble enough to admit that I am totally lonely and would love to fall in love. I really miss sex and intimacy. I want a best friend and life partner absolutely. I will not go through another divorce. The last one almost killed me.. I will bury the mother fucker in the back yard before I allow that bullshit again.
I am going to be worked for. I know I am worth it. You really do teach people how to treat you. Men are a little lazy. I can understand if they just aren't into ya but when they sing your praises then don't really act on it.. I am confused. You want to drive a Ferrari then you better be prepared for the responsibilities of owning one. I don't expect them to walk a tight rope for me but put in some time and effort. Time is one of the best ways to show love. I guess it is a bit of a tight rope to find the balance to not be smothering, but attentive.
Guys.. you want a lady, then act like a fucking gentleman. You just may also get the whore in the bedroom with it as a bonus. ;)

Woman's physique.. I'm pretty disappointed. I was seriously thinking this could be an option but as of now.. no way! These are woman that look fantastic off stage but on.. I am really unimpressed. Lets be honest.. its a bit dull. Its definitely not what I thought it would be. I thought this would be a way for me to be what I want but this is not looking like IT. Where is the in between? Its figure without the heels. There are a few woman that are a tad more muscular and more cut than figure but not too many. I'm not going to keep stating what I don't like cause people will get ass hurt and take everything so fucking personal. I absolutely don't mean to take away from the woman that are doing it right now cause they have stunning, beautiful bodies but I am not happy with what WP is turning out to be for competitive reasons. I know its still a big question if I will end up on stage next year but most likely I will. I'm still not going to say for sure. I am super happy and refocused. I totally disagree with the new point system for qualification. It may be fine for figure, bikini... but not for bb. I wont give up my life to compete constantly. I know my boundaries and limitations. I am almost 100% restored to who I was before all the crazy critical pressure kicked in and I will not give that up.
Theres so many flaky, wishy washy people in the industry that wont stand their ground and constantly worry about everyone else. Or the people that want to control everyone elses lives and just expect everyone to conform to their idea of what is right. This is a recipe for disaster with me.. I am not meant to be a conformist. You CAN be a good, if not excellent person and still have an opinion and boundaries.
By the way.. if you are letting people tell you what to think and how to act.. you are a pussy. May want to check into a spine implant.


I'm closing with the lyrics from one of my favorite kick ass songs by Disturbed. I love music lyrics and relate them to everything in life.. that is what they are about. And by the way.. if I do criticize something.. its not for nothing. ;)

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

Just stop with all of your little deliberate problems with my life
Enough of all the crippling, terrible pain we feel inside
Step back a moment, remember how the miracle started in our life
Take back the torment; I won't be enjoying this moment knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world

All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in
All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world
We'll be the best in the world
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

Cory's Blog

I ran across some Cory Everson stuff today and found her blog. It hasn't been updated in a few years but that's ok. Like most all bb, I fell in love with bb when Cory was Ms. Olympia. Her and the other Olympia competitors are what put crazy ideas in my head. Back then there was such a different feel to bb. Just looking at the pictures I could feel it. Seems the more Joe Weider stepped back the less love the woman got. The 80s were just feel good all the way around. I don't really have much to say today so I'm posting one of Cory's blog post. This is something I have to say to myself everyday.

it’s time to quit obsessing and start living!

December 17, 2008

Americans are way too obsessed with physical appearance. We obsess about our stomachs, breasts, and butts, and spend billions on liposuction and weight loss pills. We think if we are skinny and look good we will be happy….wrong.
As a bodybuilder I understand all too well what it is like to focus compulsively on this or that body part to try to create perfection.
Now do me a favor and look at all those celebrities who you think are really leading great lives? Not many! Usually you see news about celebrities and drug or alcohol clinics, divorce, even death ….So…. Why do you want to be like these “superstars”? What do they really have to teach us about being successful, and healthy?
Maybe the problem is they are not focused and are chasing too many dreams at once. The true answer to success is in Your Own Focus. If you chase two rabbits both will escape.
So chase one at a time and you’ll reach your goals…step by step.
60% of American women do not match the cover girl ideal and are a size 12 or higher and almost 50% are size 14 or above. Since stress causes our bodies to store more fat, let’s not make it worse by stressing about these numbers.
33% of the American population is overweight today compared to only 25%, 20 years ago. So where is all this obsessing getting us? Nowhere but with bigger waistlines and higher body at percentages.
Now listen to this. The Wall Street Journal asked both men and women “Would you like to weigh 15 lb. less or live 5 years longer?” The majority of the men wanted to live longer but the majority of the women wanted to weigh less. Can you believe a person would choose death over weighting a little less. This absolutely distorted view about our self-image is carried into all of our relationships, from family to coworkers.Isn’t it time we all take a good look within and find our true beauty … from the inside out.
Now is the time to quit obsessing and start living.